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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
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The work is over my head; but thats OK
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Wont let the people I love into my life...
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Social and feeling worthy
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Loving myself for real
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Moving onward
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And her vision keeps getting closer
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Breaking the dating barrier
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Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Permanent offense

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:31 am

Ive attempted to understand my role and position concerning my disastrous behavior towards a possible friend development... I am now sure I will never see or hear from this person again. A divid exists between us. or between; there is no "US".

Im seeing PTSD problems at such a severe level that it is impossible to expect this person to attempt interaction with me when attempting friendship or any involvement. Im not sure I could attempt interaction with me. However, this is not what Im ranting about... my rant is more specific.

Betrayal of sorts; the kind that you cant take back, and you can never come back because of the offense. The offense is a suggested warning that you are not wanted and you never were. You are not wanted at anytime for any reason in the future. You are not needed for anything: go away and don't come back ( a kind of prejudice. It reminds me a person feeling safe, while riding a bicycle, suddenly out of the back of a 1970's station wagon, a water balloon is thrown and hits the moving bicyclist in the face, causing them to crash. The perpetrators laugh as they watch the feeble bicyclist pass out into unconsciousness. Its obvious they don't care who this was, and they have no reason to know him at a personal level. They are simply walking over people for the day to have fun.

As the above paragraph would suggest, I am experiencing pain as well, much like the bicyclist that is hit with missile like water balloons.

I was deemed weak, and accessible. They thought of me as a weakling that could be maneuvered and pushed around. Is it true. No!, However, that is the image I gave them. They took the bate and attempted to shut me down... Im sure in there minds I have no status. nothing.. I mean nothing ...

There is away of contempt for someone that suggests they can spit in your face all day long and you want do anything about it. They can bully you and you want do anything about it. You are a wimp!... When people take this stand against you, it is a hint or suggestion that you will never have any value in there eyes ever. The best that can be done, is they are driven off. They never take you seriously, and they never will.

Im afraid this is the case of the friend I lost. I lost respect from her because she judged prior to investigation. She deemed I was someone she could walk over and take advantage of because I was weak. The sad thing for me, This type of violation was created to send a message, it suggests I don't come back: Ever! She cant be trusted and doesn't care because Im not worth the trouble. There is a type of violation that would suggest this... Its a deep scaring, almost the raping of a person. A message is sent that they are not wanted ( it is a warning)... This would also suggest; The assessment of my friend is not correct, this is not the kind, nice, decent person I thought she was. This is a criminal with an opportunistic intent. callus and malus.

My point is : I have to let go of my friend and these resentments that broke my heart. As I am none of the things she has made me out to be. I choose to play low key, Its not for others to judge, this caught me by surprise that I was inaccurately judged in the first place. I had no idea anyone was low enough to attempt a judgement; Its always about contempt. The point is, You know when your not wanted anymore. You have to leave, when others don't want you around, they let you know in a way that is effective. I have had such messages, therefore, I left... The group does not want me, I do not fit in...

Im in denial about the above. For some reason Im having a hard time accepting this last section of this disaster. I need to accept the truth that I see it clearly and move on. Other parties involved in this , moved on months ago; I have been completely forgotten, as well as my history!. Yet, Im having a hard time jumping this hurdle! Im working on it. I look forward to not feeling anything for this person again, because I never saw her correctly in the beginning. I want to see the truth for what it is. I see the truth about this person, and I see no love coming my way.
I will never be remembered, I will be written of, because these people are to shallow and stupid to ask question concerning the truth of reality.

I have hidden repressed feelings that need to come out concerning this matter, that I get all the feelings out, and feel, deal and heal. My point is, I started out as a friend, sudden violations changed all this. I was actually an enemy, now we both now. I have a specific value system these people do not have. They have no values. Nothing!, and they see no value in me, except Im weak. that is all they see, something not to respect, just someone to run over.

The loss and value of a potential friend is never fun!> Worse when you realize they don't exist. Its all a charade, there contrived charade.

I guess what Im saying is they are or have created such a long lasting grave and great pain within me, it wont leave for some time if ever. They are sending a message.. " come near us, and you will receive great pain". " you had your chance, now its gone. Get lost dumb ass"//// That is the message I get. They have created such pain in me that I can never really return ( intended pain), and this pain they sent is with intent. It is intended to cause a permanent rift or violation or offense that is so deep it was never meant to be forgotten. Therefore, I want to get over all of this as fast as possible. To stop seeing things the way they are not. To see these liars and thieves for what they are. They throw me away permanently. I never through them away, although it may look that way. I did not. I have the love of God in me.

I have always had the love of God in me. They did not, and this has been the difference between me and so many people that have thrown me away....

So here I sit or lay alone at the computer writing. While these others of less character have a life. Its very interesting.... Its all very interesting.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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