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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One step over the other

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 23, 2013 1:53 am

Social growth is practice; one step at a time! Meaning, one small conversation at a time with a stranger or someone that intimidates me or a beautiful women Im afraid to approach. The idea is to say hello to someone I think might reject me. The gaol is to start small talk with simple opener, then close after a short few minutes.

And this is where it all starts. My self image is so horrible in the here and now. Im so scared to let people get to know me. Why would anyone want to know me. They never wanted me when I was younger. No one did. I was thrown away and laughed at.

When you come from a situation where all people hated you and wanted you dead, you tend to be confused about the present!

I am to practice!

not easy! Im an intellectual introvert. INTP! that is the old standard Identification.

-----
Ive been telling the groups this for several weeks. Its one thing to sit back in the corner and talk about how confident I am or how I have it going on; its another to get off the chair and walk up to another person, face them and start a conversation, especially a beautiful women, worse a women that might be staring at me.

Its easy to act the bad boy from the corner, its another to walk up to a girl and present myself with confidence.

Im learning the basics of integration. Ive stopped acting like the prison cell sociopath from a distance to get the girls attention. Im attempting to tell the truth. Ive had more real social interaction in the last two months then in 2 years. I am reaching out to people, they are reaching back. I am taking chances with those people, they in turn are taking chances with me. Its slow!

PTSD:
7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21 to 28 years of age. all of these parts of my identity slipped away, my mind was to weak to hold the memories or the identity structures of these ages periods. I had no family for anything past 9-10. I had no place to run or process! nothing got process, I simply died..

Talking to others:
When I interact with others, pieces of identity age desperately want out. These ages were cut off from self. Thats allot of baggage to through at an unassuming listener. This baggage is flowing through my mind and body as I try to hold it together when talking with others; This trick is proving difficult to pull of!

I must keep my clothing clean if Im going to get near people. This is a big problem for some dissociatives. My living space is half clean, half the clothing washed.. Thats 5o % better then before.

I have misunderstood social boundary problems: Ever met someone that shows up in the conversation un-invited. Thats me! Its all or nothing.

A social process is necessary in a group. A certain way of introduction is necessary in social situations. One must know someone to enter into the group.

Its hard to be the full me!

The full real me does not have problems around people. However, I am not the real me around people. My identities are still split off.

when Im outside my apartment, Im 50% of who I am. When Im in a crowded basement of people, Im less then 50% me. Im scared and intimidated and freaked out!; lots of anxiety!

I have allot of pain and grief to deal with! This pain comes out when I get close to someone and interact. This pain does not get processed on people, it is triggered, therefor, I must go somewhere and feel that pain after the social event. However, I shut down after 2o minutes of any social interactions. The goal is to finish or complete a social task and take the pain and grief somewhere else. I want the social interaction to be a success. The goal is; process the triggered grief, also, finish the social interaction to success.

I am curious what it will feel like to have girl friends roaming around in my apartment! What it will be like attempting longer term relationships.

Dealing with children is fine: being someone else's father is a strange idea. I have no idea what to do. Ive been told to leave it to their mother; she will instruct me how much she wants my involvement.

I have to pray first about all things.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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