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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm

Im in one of the most God forsaken areas of healing; its direct healing against the interactions of others that used these interactions against me; creeps. this means sexual abuse harassment and control against me; control against all parts of my will; being put into positions where I was tortured in one form or another with not having any escape routs within environments to in-human to cope with. I was put into situations that were in-human with no escape; over n over n over n over n over until I went mad; or insane; until My mind and nervous system were gone from reality and so damaged I become catatonic and not present anymore; and thus stayed that way. At the core of this is the shame; the horrible levels of personal hatred and shame by not being allowed to fight back; to ever fight back because their was no place to go; if I fought back; I would loose my lively hood to stay alive; I had no choice. but in this process of losing my mind to CPTSD and dissociate disorder; I also lost touch will all economic abilities and correct attitude and correct thinking concerning money and independence and work ethic. A work ethic meant slavery; I could be sexually used or abused or any other form of abuse. My independence was stripped from me; It was like being a slave... So; the deep hatred and resentment toward my captures and revenge is all I thought about; Meaning; my focus was on the past; and thats all it was on because the damage and wounds were from the past and so my inward thoughts were on the wounds and those that caused them and the revenge for destroyed my life that I could not work or function or had a future or relationships.
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I could not escape when I saw these vermin degenerate retards and their life styles attack me; and they were out to use me; make me inferior to make themselves look better then what they were; sick filth; doing this to other humans because they; degenerates were not worthy of life; and anything else... Im so sorry I was ever exposed or even born at this time. I was and am a decent person; way way way above; and thats not the words to use; Im a human being; and these degenerate filth were children destroyers; using children for their own experiments and entertainment. ITs so sad that children ever get caught up in this or controlled or captured into this. For their lives are ruined...
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The pathways I would use to function become filled with monsters that violated me; trampled me under their feet; tore me to pieces. I could do nothing about it; I was used exploited and alone. I was murdered over n over down those pathways. If you have CPTSD; you understand......
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Im frightened of interactions with others because of the over amount of attacks by others; over n over n over again; I was eaten alive with no way to fight back; nothing. And all pathways destroyed from the first time I put my food out on them; bullies and others running up and cutting me off from myself and desires.... physically Controlling me out of myself.
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The pathway;
So; with no work ethic developed; all I see is sexual abuse; an abuser controlling me; thats all I see when I see money or work or economics or going after money; I see his face and others helping him; and others before and after him; I see them owning me; thats the end of the road and thats all I see.
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So; here I am wanting to turn this around; The goal is; go after what feels good. Start over; do not think someone owes me anything; No one owes me anything; And when I say this; I can see that force heading backward; heading back towards those that abused me and what they did to me; and this is no good; won't help me at this point; its random CPTSD and PTSD running through my head; useless direction of my focus; so; using my focus is scary; I feel the perpetrators in me as critical voices. its scary; its like I dont own myself even tho the perpetrators area gone.

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I am learning to work with the universe for the needs I have. For example; if song writing is what I like and I can't afford a guitar; then do it anyway and work with the universe; let the universe bring me a guitar; consentraite on the songs and singing the songs and performing the songs. What happens to me when I think about what makes me feel good; I get hit with critical voices telling me song writing is stupid and for kooks and losers and weakling and parasites that won't get a real job. Only losers that can't find a profession go into song writing. Winners stay clear of such things. Losers that are desperate for attention write songs and perform them. What kind of perphession is song waring and performing; that is for court jesters. Real men of importance have real careers of power and authority; like engineering and architecture; Places of real worth and education and money.
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But what if I like sculpture and song writing and critiquing paintings and drawing and dramatic arts and stuff and writing. Im getting very confused on what I like and dont really like. And what if I want to also study mathematics and have a more linear job.... Something more traditional that I gave up on when young because no one was supporting me; I was being psychologically abused.
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Down my own path; what Ive learned.
Going down my own path means; not only my desire but the money to support it; its both; and this means I can't be a victim toward money; I have to be proactive and want to go after it as much as the desire Im trying to support. My mind is filled with horror stories and I have to find examples of people with success; success stories are what Im looking for and then I must have a bit of success...
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I have to learn to make it on my own down my own path with no one else involved from my past; nothing; and not believe I need anyone from the past rescuing me; that is a big big issue because out of intimidation I learned to be helpless and then call for help because I was dependent personality type. I never learned how to take care of myself and be independent....
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So; thats what I want to learn; How to become independent and not call the people of the past for help but to still continue down my pathways to what feels good regardless of what resources do not exist at the moment. ITs over welming and I have resentments toward the idea. I feel like a loser; However; I know that when Im on my own and not being controlled by interior voices; the world; my place in it is up to me; not the fear I feel of other peoples opinions about me. I was groomed to believe other peoples opinions about me were more important then I am and they have the right to say them and abuse me any time they want and I can't fight back.
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So; for me to learn to fight back will take major work; but Im slowly working through this situation to a success statement that defines the greater principle of what I want to accomplish.
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If I dont have the guitar or the PA system for performing life at first; I dont want to freak out and tell myself Im in poverty and this whole venture is a joke. in fact; thats not me and doesn't sound like me; thats someone else's programing...
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When I write songs; I want to feel good about myself and my song writing and feel proud of what I write; not listen to the voices that tell me I never went anywhere in life and that Im a loser; just look at what I did not do with my life instead of what I could have become.
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So; Ive got a whole evil committee in my mind controlling how I feel about myself and Im working on breaking through this and doing it anyway. Im scared inside me; Im still being controlled by the abusers from the outside world; but they've gotten into my brain and they control me.
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Its all hard work; and specifically scary work; vulnerable work; as it opens up the abuse again; layers and layers of CPTSD at the same time; not allowing me anywhere to hide while I re experience this sub human death trap.

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Have I said everything I want to say? Ill use tapping and breathing and writing stories about new pathways and destinations; and Ill go practice it. Ive been practicing it; Ive done it; Ive taken first steps and done it correctly. Ive done not much more then first simple steps; but Ive done it. Even taking about it; I see bullies from the past and it shocks me and my nervous system and makes me wonder how anyone can Call this a free country when any bully can do what ever they want to me and get away with it; get involved in the jail system and come and go from the jail system and still do what ever they want to people; its the most corrupt thing Ive ever seen; no freedom for people; nothing. Its like being captive.
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I've got allot of PTSD in the way every time I attempt something new; Ive been trapped under its control; can't finish anything I start and I give up and move on to something else; and can't finish that so I move on to something else; on n on.
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So; I know the 2 areas Im looking to develop; the first is; pic a desire and learn to follow through with it. Learn to slowly slow it down piece by piece; one step at a time; slowly. Slow it way way down. Down to almost a stop or crawl and really look at and anilyse what is going on here; take it cautiously slow; slow it way way down; slow it down; way down. Im trying to over come the flashbacks; slow it down before I go into those tornadoes of the past. slow it down until I can find a pathway through those tornadoes...
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Have a change of attitude; a positive attitude about what I want to do; learn to face objectives from others trying to dominate me out of my desires.
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Understand that the universe will help me financial if I really want it or need it. I have to work independently to learn this; learn how to trust that this will happen; it makes me angry that ive been brought to this level of living; where I have to trust the universe for my livelihood; I felt like such a loser.
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Heading toward the winning side.
but I also feel a kind of freedom and feel good independence and like Im doing whats right. However, I must remember the critical voices come into this and attack at all fronts; so I must be ready to change my thinking to another set of positives to keep myself safe. Anyway.........
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So; the venture has begun at some beginning pre levels of work out. Im not sure when I will determine that the real game has started and Im able to play in it; we will see when" Im back" in the game.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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