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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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occupations and getting close to women!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue May 01, 2018 9:39 pm

Ive been able to manifest women into my life; into the surrounding! However, Im only getting as far as the fence in front of her yard; Im never getting into the kitchen; if you know what I mean! The kitchen represents a more intimate association! It means what it literally means! Im not developing a friendship or safety with a women, enough to be invited to her place to hang out; her front yard, or living room or kitchen for coffee! Im never getting that far! Im getting as far as; someone saying hi from a distance; and thats it! However thats a big deal considering where I came from!
So, Ive been practicing with women; starting conversations!; getting closer; yet, I want to get closer still; a deeper closer intimate level! it scares me! brings me back to my childhood to a place of lies and horror; all things will be destroyed!
The problem; the child in me lives in his childhood! part of him; another part knows better! He has jettisoned the past; as the past was a lie, and this child was shown evidence of this and changed his mind concerning this and is now more present with me; This child is focusing on what Im focusing on in the present!
The child in me still live's in the past! and in the past are memories of what could have been or was suppose to be according to my imagination!
When I get really close to a women; romantic feelings or closeness; the child is not present for such things; he goes back into his childhood for closeness and is not available! and I am trying to work with this child to come fourth to be part of relationships in the present; However, the child in me does not trust me! The chid in me wants the ground safe and solid before he enters another persons life! I have to prove to this child, this can be pulled of! That I can create a safe situation of reality; not just imagination in my head; letting us both down! I can like myself enough not to sabotage my future!
So, Im working with source energy to imagine and manifest a life suitable for this child to show up!
The child has to learn to trust me; then he will come fourth! I have to learn to trust me; for this; I must have plans sent from source energy for this successful endeavor! I must trust me for me to come fourth!
Occupations and sabotage!
I sabotage everything I start within minutes! My primary goal is relief of PTSD! I use physical outlet! The problem is; I dont draw or write songs or use my mind for this relief. My intellectual side is neglected.
The goal is to be present and able to feel good enough about myself in the present to stick to something and work through it! and Im getting closer; Im so very codependent and obsessive; it all fits as the perfect alibi for not working!
I have every conceivable alibi for not working; I have no alibis for working! And their it is! The goal is to heal up enough, feel good enough about myself and swell inside to the point of wanting to work and be apart of things; and Im getting their!
The problem is; Im not in that world! Im not in the confident world of work or achievements; Im headed their! Once Im in that world; I will believe! I will work through things.
Im beginning to change! I can feel the dissociative walls come down or better yet, slowly fading, bits at a time; and Im not listening to PTSD anymore; I know its a lie; Im not in those time periods anymore! However, the child in me still believes the PTSD.
So, with occupations concerns confidence in the present; the more I can stand on my feet from other means and other problems being worked; a sense of independence floods over into he world of occupational meanings! Im finding that when I feel good about myself and up to speed with myself; I get interested in feeling proud about what I do; and I start doing occupations; not vocations; not yet; just occupations; things that occupy my time!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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