I have not thought about this word in a very long time! Since a teenager! And very rarely! As a teenager, I was ruined because I had been thrown away young, and had no idea what was happening! In shock; I was bullied all the time and in terror break down and confusion! Their was no way to do any homework or concentrate on anything! My life was ruined! I did not know what was happening to me or what to do about it! Psychopaths don't stop the show and explain that you're being ruined on purpose!
I had no one that cared about my occupation or anything else! I was being ruined again when living with the psychopath and new husband! I simply didn't know! No one cared what happened to me or my talents or abilities! Nothing! I cannot describe it! Its horrible! I was ruined and dying!
I had no friends! No one was interested in me! No women! And the women I was interested; soon, they wanted nothing to do with me! They changed their minds! Like I was some kind of animal or something! Like I was less then human! I had no money! I was a decent person! It meant nothing to the girls in high school; I meant nothing to them! They saw nothing in me!
Later, in college, and everywhere else; the same thing! I was looked at as nothing! I had to hold everything in!
Today marks another day of importance! I got it back! The beginnings of occupation; the thought! The feel or more importantly; it landed in my lap! The confidence or interest! This means areas of blackholeness; are filled in! Not complete! But it's a start! You first start in your head! Then it reflects into the real world!
I don't know yet what occupation means! It's a state of independence! Its what people do when they are ready to move on with the rest of their lives from the past!
Women; I don't know! I do believe it has to do with who Im associating with! Something is horribly wrong! I cant stand most of the women I meet! They are simply to deceptive! Or stuck up or waiting for a guy that can complete their high maintenance schedule! I have none of these! Im a respectable decent person! And I want nothing to do with the women Ive met so far! Something is horrible wrong!
Im assuming the problem is; Im not around the right people to appreciate me! I will keep praying!
I cannot be around people that put me down or use me! I will not be around people that use me and treat me like I don't matter! Im not interested! The problem is; Im not interested! I have no interest in such people! I honestly think I will need a new culture of people! I simply don't get it!
If a women can drive a car, she can use her head and think! I have to think; I must be around someone else that thinks! Im not interested in relationships for the sake of making them work! I want something magical between me and the women I choose! And she must be submissive! If I sense any of this ridiculous masculinity none sense that I read about; High level business women that take control accidentally because they are leaders and all that; not on my block; never! I don't want that none sense around me! Women like that; the type that want to take over; let them date women! Im a man! Men don't like that kind of thing; they will simply through the women out to the street! Men do not like masculine women; it's ######6 sickening! And it's a lie! It puts people off!
I have nothing against leaders! But they are unattractive in female form; the kinds Im talking about! I have nothing against leaders! I have something again this masculine non sense!
Im not sure what type of people I want to associate with! The type of women!
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I know the type of wife I'm envisioning; Ive told it to some; they laugh and tell me to keep dreaming! And I will! Ill keep dreaming until she appears!
Again; I must pray for the right type of people! Right now, Im around recovery people! And it's a 2 edge sward! It's working! It's getting me this far!
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Today was a day I told this women to ###$ off! It was a good thing! She tried to tell my friend something about me n her from our past! This women claims she knows me from the past; grade school and that we are friends! I told she is not my friend because she says so; Im your friend when I say so; I decide who my friends are; not you! I decide if we are friends, not you! If you want to know if we are friends, you can ask me; Ill tell you the truth!
And I walked off! Arrogant bitch! Nonsense by these people!
Im not the only one who has problems with this women! and the other women I have problems with; many have problems with their arrogance and the groups they group with!
The problem is getting on my feet around the right people! Ive been in recovery for 20 years, and my mind is starting to come back!
Im trying to remember who I am and create a new life for myself!