I broke through with activities
For 35 years; I could not paint anything... Mental illness; I could not be part of reality... I was living in so many different time zones of abuse and horror within my nervous system; I was simply to mentally ill for most of it; As I was slowly coming out of it; Years of work. But no way to break though. But I did it. Long years of work; but I did it... A small art gathering of some of my work; quick work taken to a 12 step meeting; thats where I was directed.
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The next step is relationships.
Remember; I have to do this on my own; not everyone has to; I have to; Its an inside job; the problem; It goes back to my childhood; what was stolen from Me; my life; the vicious horrible sadistic psychopathic monsters even worse; I mean; they are murder'rs.
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I am to re create the relationship I had with my first love; God was behind that in the original episode. Altho it was much more serious then that; she was my friend and I loved her. I loved her with all my heart... Now I understand; God never told me to stop loving her. So; God is helping me now by making me go back and re creating that relationship and re scripting it on paper and re visualizing it in my imagination; As Ive been mentioning lately in my other blogs.
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The goal is a completed healthy relationship where Im standing up to her talking or holding hands or holding her hands and praying with her. Or sitting with her with my arms around her as if I was dating her and had her as a girlfriend and possibly sleeping with her; conversations with her; deep conversations with her up close and personal; Why is this so important; First; I complete what God set up for me; he wants me to go back in and complete what he started and I as the vessel of his interests. He wants me to be a good Stewart.
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I am to align with him and be inline with him and what he wants; the end result will be the experience of a good relationship; I will have healed and healed that past relationship...
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I will have worked through conversations up close and not fallen away this time; instead God is behind me and Ill follow through until I can love her in my imagination; The end result of focusing on all of this is; I will become present again and able to love again and God will bring me someone to love again.... And their it is...
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I will not chase after anything or anyone; God will bring them to me... they will show up when Im ready. But I must keep working on this; through this journey to get ready,... Its just like the art thing; Im on the beginning journey to really break through this thing this time.
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I did this with guitar as well; for 35 years I could not play guitar; I could not play the F bar chord; that has change; it took 3 months but I did it. And it took 35 years of trauma stopping me to build up to making that choice to play and it took 25 years of recovery work and 6 years of success based thinking work; laws of attraction and Think and grow Rich fame.....
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The point is; Im on the journey and I can see it; and I can kind of see where its going; its going to get me back to when I was young and felt protected by a father in a family... where their was a house and things like going to the big zoo in a big city where their are shows with the dolphins and stuff like that; marine aquatic stuff; things like that; like being a scientist and stuff; The real me. stars and outer space and stuff like that; things that were traumatized out of me by those monsters. All of them.
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God wants me to develop and come back to being who I originally was or am... The first or next level is to get back relationships and so im working with God on this; this is about using my imagination and re writing stories of what I want; meditation on them and visualization and watching things show up; its also about letting go of the past and the resent past and allowing God to help me grow and new doors opening up for me when ready; but I must keep the old doors shut; and God is showing me numerous ways for this to put my mind on other things.... And its happening.. I just have to keep at it day after day after day...
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Lots of work here. Ill get their; God will create for me new avenues after I do the work with Lisa in my Imagination...
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Im starting this work. And I have to ask God to bring the right people around me to practice with sos I can feel safe. And I can see going back to the Jacky house and being myself again... re creating that in my imagination; and in my old school. We will see what this is all about...
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Anyway; God wants me free from the past and the most pressing situation is my first Love; it got curtailed and now its getting brought back so that I may work through it because I choose to go back their and take back what was mine; my freedom to express my real feelings... and make it through. and that is happening; At some point I will confront that moment I broke away from her and I will stay and I will work through it and change history and reality into my reality and when I am good enough with it; I will apply it to other areas of my past; treating that; Im not well yet; still much work to over come the present and the thoughts of those Ive known in the present; but what I do is move on. And I have God take me. And I move on to brand new areas.... and that is where Im going and the child in me is sad and has to grieve; but their is no future with anyone from the distant past. So God is taking me out of my dream world and bringing me back to reality...
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I have much work to do; Ill keep at it; munch work; I have no business bragging about anything right now; that would be crazy... Im just getting the opportunity to do this kind of work so I can visualize myself back around other people as myself with boundaries,.....
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I will get the original me back; but not go near the trouble spots of my childhood; I will stay clear of those monsters and their houses and learn a horrible horrible lesson of pure evil and hatred... sickening.
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A gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; a huge deep gap; I think its more deep this time; really deep; so deep its vast and dark. And it attaches me to my childhood or the real me and my experiences... A place of deep burning pain... and fear... I have to learn how to stand up for myself... God will take care of this for me and supply those things for me to stand up for. Ill get back; Ill get me back; but its not that easy right now... Im not their yet; Im still on the outside...
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I can see that things are possible if I can come back to normal with out the people of the past; they attacked me with hate; but I had done nothing wrong. I think what happened is; I had them all wrong; they kept things low for a long time until the time was right and then attacked; I had no idea I was innocent and did not know anything nor have any defenses up; nothing; they attack an innocent person; thats the kind of hell bound monsters they were; right out of hell. Pure hell. un believable... Like out of a horror dream movie; I was destroyed and abused... They were pure evil; pure form of it. I was scorched and destroyed. They had contempt for me. I never had any clue about anything. But people talk behind peoples backs. I was not part off their family; only thought I was. I was being used to keep their son busy and not alone... I had no other purpose with those people.
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Anyway; Im trying to get my identity back; it will come back; ive got grieving to do and re living to do in order for it to come back. God is bringing me back..