April 2024
March 2024
Trust. Now; things get scary, strange and hard.
.
One thing I should say that has broken through and I will practice if I can; thats a big " if"; and thats the ability to talk to the women I like about whats going on; I could do that before. Id have to tell them how I feel. Ask them to sit down with me and talk; but Im able to; I was not able to before. And I found that simple ability to talk to them as one of the solutions; I may not be perfect or have my life together; but the ability to sit with them and talk about it opens up the ability for me to tell them them Im messed up and can possibly do my best as hiding in my room and thats about all I can accomplish in my life; but I like them... And let them know that. Can I say that to them; yes. we will see; we will see that open up... I can get hurt. I mean; ive had women like me for a few years; I went up to hit on them; get a phone number; and all they did was start acting like they were leading me on like I was so worthless and dumb that it was actually working; like I was actually some fool that was actually being led on by them; like thats all the depth I had... when in reality I wanted a real relationship with them. Sad the way I was being treated. I called them; no answer; I never talked to them again or called back; I just didnt get it. It could be they talked to their girl groups and they poisoned their minds against me. The women I liked or that liked me; were treating me differently. And suddenly I never saw them show up around me anymore. They lost interest in me. I didnt chase them; if they are suppose to be around me God will bring them around me.
.
Heres the deal tho; I have to practice with some of them and tell them the truth; Im a screwed up mess and the best I can do is hide in me room but do they still want to be friends and do things together and hang out... Thats a big big step for me... It can be done... talking; go back to them; I can now practice this; we will see; I dont know who will participate; Im not sure; Ill work with God on this.
\.
My personality has been ruptured and the outside world is to hard for me. its tuff going out there.
.
.
As for my first love; The answers to what Im searching for right now; they resolve in the destroyed relationship of my first love. Most of my work; or modern psych work is about getting to a point of making it through the information; sifting through the information of my first love to find out why I didnt follow through; following through would have given my freedom back; Instead; I choose to go back home and become a slave once more. So; Im looking for answers to my lack of character; God will bring me other situations for freedom and I will not take them; And I want to and must find out why Im not following through.
.
.
Ill bring up my first love. I Was 14. I had gone through massive horror; being up rooted from my home with no warning. Nothing. I had an established life; I was just a child. No warning... Nothing.
.
My father left; I was left with that worthless psychopath that I never trusted. And for good reason... I never trusted her when I was 3 1/2 and beyond for good reason; God knows what they did to me before this; I have ritualistic ideas; her and her evil group... I could save her or have an interactive relationship with her.... ever.. In fact; talking like this is a dream world; Its a child point of view.
.
At age 14; things were going well in this relationship; I was acting normal for my age and socially interacting well; but then things stopped. and where they stop; as Im writing; Im setting my mothers face appear. And what Im thinking is; Ill be moving onward if I get into a relationship with this girl and Ill be leaving my mother; and that means Im abandon... Im not hooked to my mother or old house and neighborhood; all is gone. So; instead of getting into a relationship with this girl; I came home to my mother; even tho she was a monster... I abandon the girl for my mother the monster and more importantly for my original way of life; that maybe it might come back... maybe. And all of this was a bad dream.
.
God sent me to that girl when I was 14 to start a new life. I would have married her. But something happened. And its my job right now to figure out what happened.
.
THE girl did nothing wrong; absolutely nothing; Nothing; she knew nothing. She didnt even know me that well; it was time for me to fool around with her and get into a deeper romantic relationship with her. But I didn't. I turned on her; some how showing up playing the victim and blaming her because she didnt love me. ( I never told her any of this ). it was all in my head. And all of this gave me the go a head to leave her. And I did that with hostility and anger and hatred and contempt...
.
From here; Im about to tell you why I had contempt for her. But here's the problem; before this; everything was going fine. I was building a relationship with her because I wanted to; I liked her; I loved her and I wanted her to trust me and to be trusted... I wanted more then anything else to be trusted. Because I could be trusted. I wanted to build that. And it was happening.
./
I could have thrown that trust away simply because I didnt believe this was true; that this good thing could happen to me or for me. I didnt Believe in any of that and thought it was a trick. I wanted to hate deep down and be in control. Because of my lack of belief; I blamed her for my lack of belief; she is an instigator trouble maker. I hate her; shes the enemy; shes one of them; shes like my mother and shes going to take me hostage.
.
Oke; so; what ever the reasons I saw in her or blamed her and all the scenario I came up with about her; it means a few things; First; The actual girl did nothing and does not know about any of this going on inside me. Nothing; And can I trust her. So far; yes. I mean; Im just a kid getting into a relationship with someone; getting a girlfriend; but all this other stuff is rolling around in my head.
In the end; I dump the girl and run home. But before this; a week before this; everything was fine; It was my private relationship I was building with someone.
.
.
.
The most important aspect of this blog is; ( The girl does not know what is going on; is innocent and does not know anything is wrong). ( The girl does not have any information from me about this other side of me). She is waiting for me to kiss her or do something and go out with her... But I stop it.
.
Its important for me to say; " the girl is waiting for me to go out with her" " ask her out"... To " go out with her"; That statement of " go out with her"; that has more flashback power then any statement I know of; It reminds me of being younger in my original house with my father and brothers doing things.. before I was uprooted; thats the person it speaks to. and that person was gone. that time period was gone. And that neighborhood and life was gone.
.
.
So; To go out with this girl meant; the original me has to become present to hook up with her; and that would have been to hard. But still; God created a situation for that to happen; so It must have been able to happen. So; what happened; what part of my paranoid character flawed personality is causing this; Not following through. Thats what I haft to look at.
.
Ill have to work through the answers; and already I can see; its letting go of my mother who I never had a blessing from. never had any relationship from; nothing. And dealing with that; is part of this; I look for mothers in other women; but they betray me before I get started; or they will lead me on.... and then betray me when I need the mothering.... that is why I never trusted any women. over n over n over it happens.
\.
.
But here's the deal; It never happened with my first love. WhenI turned on her; she had not done anything yet. She had no clue; she was completely innocent; So; this has nothing to do with her; its 100% coming out of me. That is important. It means; change my thinking; I get control of my own thinking; getting away from my mothers influence and that relationship would have went through.
.
Another interesting aspect of that my first love; I never told her anything; I clamped down and said nothing to her. if I had said something to her about the situation; we would have worked through it and I would have stayed friends with her and gone out with her as she would have been my girlfriend. I would have matured and moved on from the family system.
.
So; The family system is trying to keep me below 12 years old. Or; im trying too keep myself below 12 years old in maturity and development; that way I can imagine Im back home and nothing as happened; Im still living in my small town and everything is fine... Im in my neighborhood... And nothing has happened.
.
I could not handle moving away from my original neighborhood in my mind; I could not do things that would move me forward away from my childhood; Like growing up; like getting my first girlfriend who actually liked me at age 14; to much for me. What about the grief of loosing my neighborhood and my house and my childhood way of life... everything... No one cared. The grief of this loss.
.
God knew; that if I could become independent by getting into new relationships; I would become present and could make my own decisions about where I wanted to go with my life... That would be the first steps to getting a hold on my own life again. Making decisions. But I never followed through.
.
.
When was the last time this repeated itself. Last year. 15 months ago... Same deal. With all the reason and all the talk; I never followed through and never talked to the girl about it.
.
And I dont feel any closer to an answer. But thats not true. God has me rewriting my script of my first love; imagining we are together and re creating it the way it would have been if I had followed through; And things are moving in that direction.
.
.
.
.
One thing needs to be said; These women; including my first love. all of them God sent. I watched their behaviors after I didnt follow through; they turned out to be awful people. Horrible people; sociopathic in nature in many cases; Not nice people; possible I could sense that and thats why I didnt follow through. I dont know; I dont understand any of this.
.
Im looking for answers so I can be in relationships with nice people again. Or atleast believe its possible.
.
What am I facing; im facing the ability to come back as that nice kid I once was but not live in the same house I lived in as a child; but could still walk down that neighborhood as the original me; as I really am. Thats what im trying to run from; thats what God is helping me get back to and Im running from it because Im scared; it means letting go and thats to much for me to trust again. I already got destroyed by being forced over n over n over to let go; and I dont know how to do that again.
.
God has put several women in my path; but I would not let go for them.. I always wondered what was wrong with them or wrong with me; why did God put them in my path in the first place if I could not follow through with them; None of this is making any sense to me. Nothing.
.
The fact is; its uncomfortable to follow through; and Ill have to look at this; but also; I dont know what the right direction is; Do I follow through where I could get destroyed or do I hide in my room where its safe. " What do I do God"; I dont ever seem to get an answer from God concerning any of this...
.
Its always 2 edged and murky. Nothing makes any sense. Nothing,.
.
Im stuck between 2 worlds and Im trying to find my way out...
.
Its the same way with all other things blocked; schooling; callings like music and Art; its not just women; its everything that would allow freedom; me moving forward. I guess in a way the only way for me to be safe is to stay in that Freeze mode; the kind one goes into when being cornered or bullied,.
.
The question is the gap between being closed down and opening up; but a gap of neglect exists between where I could or would be that is enriched for my human experience and being shut down in freeze mode or protect mode. It wont do me any good to open up from freeze mode in the middle of a lonely street. Id be connected to nothing. So; possible; to imagine what I want to be connected to. But ive done this before and it ended horribly; the people that should up were monsters.
.
Possibly; I have to keep working on what or who I connect with or where. And work with God on this.
I mean; I have even been able to get a girlfriend; I dont trust any of the people that have had any interest in me. And Im not sure more middle or upper middle class people would ever even have an interest in me; but ive got to find out. Ill take it to God; and see what direction to go into. ITs all scary for me and taking the chances are scary for me..
.
I did love this last girl that liked me; I waited to make sure she was safe and she went out with someone else right in front of me with no remorse. Thats not a person that actually likes me. I dont need that. Ive got to find better people; but im afraid they will judge me on superficial things and Ill never get it. So; Ill work with God on this....
.
I might want to date someone that is nice. Not look like a cover model. One of the real problems Ive had; Ive had beautiful women like me. And its hard to turn them down. And they've liked me... But they are used to having mens attention. And if they dont get what they want from me they justify that fact that another man is interested in them; so they go with that man; but that man has all the trappings I dont. ultimately they wanted to go out with that other man; and that other man had no problem with that womens lack of character; I did. In fact in most cases a lack of character on the part of the women is the problem. and I thought it only from a social aspect of their background; lower class; street class; prison classes; lower middle class; upper middle class; rich. Doesn't seem to matter. Non had any values or knew how to treat other human beings. But they liked me... Thats not the kind of girl I want to like me; So; what kind of girl do I want to like me; That is what I have to figure out and aline with my inner being.
.
I was always attracting cheerleaders and never brainy girls... Why? The brainy girls are the ones I wanted... The introverts that are quite in in the library... Girls that like outer space and science and microscopes and things... and planets and stuff. So; Im going to have to open my mind up... and work with God on this.. because these other type of women are not working.
.
.
Its got to the point I wont sleep with anyone. I wont let them near me; I dont trust them.... I want to sleep with them but I dont trust anyone. I cant find my way out of this protective box....
/
I feel like the kind of women that have liked me; non of them would go to therapy because they couldn't be with me or ever see me again; But I would be in the therapists office about them; but me; Im a dime a dozen for them; Their love for me doesn't even me anything to them; they'll feel it and move on; dont care.
.
Im seeing seeing pictures or flashbacks of being forced out of my safety zone as a child into unknown new places and not functioning and no one cares.
.
It doesn't matter; its a waist of time; the type of women that have liked me; they would never admit it to anyone and they would lie about it if asked; they would claim they never knew me; they would laugh at the idea if someone suggested they were interested in me; they would never admit it. Why would I want to attract those kinds of women. OK Then; what kind of women do I want to attract; Thats a really scary scorching subject. That really scares me; they could cause real damage.
.,
The kind of women I would like; if they rejected me; Id really be more hurting. And Ive had those kinds of women reject me. But not really; I mean. At some point ive got to tell the universe what I want; what I really want and have them show up in front of me.
.
So; what am I suppose to be doing in the mean time. I hate being lonely and disconnected.
-----------------------
.
So; ive been mentioning some interesting stuff; I just mentioned that I would talk to women; tell them who I am; ask them if they still want to hang out with me and be with me. be my friend and do things; I never did this with the girl up the street when I was 14.
.
However, even the girl up the street; when she was 16; She didnt seem to care if she ever saw me again. But I never told her how I felt and I never told her the truth. I never communicated anything; But I could always go back around her. I did call her in the 11th grade to hang out with her; she said no; I wanted to do home work together; she said no.. I did not push it because I had already been around her; she had enough information of how she felt when around me. .
.
So; this is another area; if I was suppose to be with someone and they dont want too be with me anymore and we got along really well together. like soulmates; then what is going on here? I do I really want to be around someone like that.
.
I just dont get it. Its almost like the people to pick for relationships are so worthless; non of this makes any sense. Im basically dealing with trash; thats all this is... The choices to date are horrible horrible horrible and thats been the problem... Im trying to take worthless people and make something happen with them and I just get turned on.
.
.
However; I have to be able to tell them who I really am and if they want to hang out with me. Im so judged tho; by my clothing; my looks; everything. lack of money; where I live. Nothing is ever good enough for these people. Nothing.
.
Anyway; Ill work with God on this.
.
So; 2 solutions are coming about;
.
1. The ability to walk up to one of these women that liked me; sit her down or talk to he quickly about what happened; why I shied away and if they still want to be friends after I tell them the truth about where my life at.
.
2. I am to re script the old relationship potential with the first girl I loved and turn it into something that worked; within my imagination; and Ive been working on this and its working.
.
3. Doing what Im suppose to do all day long and have God show up with the kind of women Im looking for; they will show up. But dont go looking for them... work with God.
.
4. remember how hard life out there is for me... its hard for me to connect; I do have mental illness. and Im also dealing with dissociative disorder; my mind is weak. So; I must remember this..
5. Doing anything that connects me to a volatile world that is way over the top for my personality. That is very difficult stuff. Im on a disability and I hide all the time. Its horribly hard for me to deal with doing things outside. I dont feel safe or have enough money or.... You name it... so; working with God on what Im suppose to do with my life... where Im directed...
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Kaleb28, KidDJ, lesshopesishopeless, Majestic-12 [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Now; things get scary strange and hard; trust
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.844s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 1.88
Time : 2.844s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 1.88