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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
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Nothing personal; and Im having a hard time with it

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 08, 2015 5:46 pm

I must get to a point that its nothing personal! These people moved on; they did not know me! It is this simple statement that has me all bound up! Im going to have to write on it at other places! Im having a hard time letting go of the psychopaths and their influence on me! It could be pride and jealously! I don't know yet! Could be!

Im starting to feel the anxiety associated with my father buying me new winter boots; or helping me get them on; when my mother actually bought them with her money! He is helping me get them on; but not helping with my homework or future! And Im feeling the strange anxiety of being neglected or having that part of me put to sleep! And that part of me is still asleep!

And I want others to show up and help me with this so I can get on my feet, but they never show up! I will have to talk to God about all of this!

And it is places and times like this that I process they're meaning! As it effects me horribly! And yet, it was many moons ago! Not that it's a problem for me! But Im embarrassed about it!

Ice Skating; and I remember ice skating; but thats when I owned my own life and it was not taken over by the sociopaths! And they still own my life and Im not sure what to do about it! I keep praying and forgiving! And more PTSD comes up of other bullies controlling me out of my life! Any movement and its pure violence toward me! And I had no future! The part of me that has a future is put to sleep! And Im not sure how to wake it up without support! I must get rid of the resentments! Or trust God on how to get rid of the resentments!

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Childhood;
This is the problem; Because of the unfortunate nature of what happened and what I went through; I must do a true search of what happened!

Generally, the worst happened and I did not know I was in such a situation that I was in! I had no idea I was in a situation of the kind youtube crime abuse vids are made of! Meaning, the bad people involved were criminally minded bad people! This includes any and all brothers or sisters! Anyone that might contribute to this family system! And it was not a system! It was 2 psychopaths that hooked up and destroyed many areas of the human experience of others!

Worst part;

Being fooled!

Dr Joseph Mengele who worked with the Nazis; WW2; he was the Dr of a death camp for the Jews! Dr Mengele would walk into a dormitory of children within the camps grounds; promise the children candy and food! He would then kindly pic children to come with him; He was like an Angle; friendly and sensitive to children!

He would have them put on a gurney; He would wheel them into an operating room and experiment on them! He would cut them open and do try experimental surgeries! He would not give them pain killers or Anastasia! He would do unthinkable things until their deaths by his hands! Completely in human!

Heres my point;
The people I was forced to be surrounded by were of the same nature as Dr Mengele! Same nature! Same type; Psychopath! Not all psychopaths operate on children and kill them in the basements and backyard!

Some psychopaths destroy in other ways! In my situation, they were pure narcissists; meaning, every move they made; they made for themselves with no conscious of the consequences to others! Pure human Un-responsibility ! Completely antisocial!

If you look at pictures of serial killers on trial; or when they bringing them into the court room; many have a smile on their face! They are relaxed and happy as if nothing is wrong! They have no conscious! Nothing is bothering them at the moment; they are content altho they've slaughtered 100 innocent people!

The psychopath is a most dangerous monster! They have no rules, no guidelines of sanity when dealing with others! They are beyond arrogant! Humans have such little value to them; they can kill a child like throwing a rock into a lake! They put no value on human life; meaning, others lives! They look at humans as objects not worth the spit coming from their mouths!

If you are a child within or under their control; they can be like Dr Mengele; charming, kind! Unassuming!

They mimic stereo types! Pick a stereo type! Say; a loving uncle stereo type! The psychopath will pick up on these stereo types of acceptable human identities! They will pick a few that will fool and satisfy the locals in the area they live!

If Im a child living with them; I cannot tell they are deceptive charmers! I have no idea they are master manipulators! I assume they are what they say they are! I have no idea! As a child; I am innocent!

The sad part of my story is the complete submergence of the truth going on around me! I thought I was living in a real place with real people! I was actually living in a world of plastic houses and plastic lies! Yet, this story is much worse then this!

I was manipulated and lied to! And I was lied to with smiles on their faces! Pathological liars! No conscious!

I watched a vid of a psychopath in custody in Germany I think! He was being interviewed by a Dr of psychology I think! He was as sick as they come! He had children by manipulating a women into marriage; his goal for any children that were born; turn them into sex slaves when they got older! First he had to break them as small children! And I wont go into how he did this! Later he planned on molesting them in later childhood to groom them and prepare them for sex when they were a little older! He was talking about them as if they were pure objects! Complete objects!

I experienced the same type of objectification as I mentioned of the psychopath from above! It was not sexual in nature from the 2 individuals I lived with when young! It was of a different nature!

The 2 psychopaths I lived with created a false family system! They made it look or appear real to others when it was never real! They were never going to stay in this family system; nor stay in one area for living arrangements! They had children to appease the moment! It was just for fun; for kicks! It was trix n kicks to have children to play with for the moment; then they left! Sold everything and left; not a thought in the world! They were just playing games for the whole of my experience with them!

I had no idea that all of my personal experiences did not count; I was simply being used by someone for their pleasure or thrill seeking! I was no better off then a foster child! Or orphan!

I was very much like an orphan that was forced to live with strangers that claimed they were my real parents! And allowed me to believe it! And told me many other lies that I believed! As a child, you have no their idea then to believe them! Children are the easiest to fool; the most vulnerable!

People that used children in the ways Ive described are pure predators of a thinking aggressive monstrous nature! They are pure monsters!

All of the personal experiences I experienced when younger were a lie! All of them! The whole of the picture is a lie! Thousands of experiences; all lies! I was groomed to believe I was safe! I was never safe or taken care of! It was all an inflatable set of manipulations in order for these psychopaths to " get of' " to get their kicks"! It's exciting for the sociopath to have captives; and to play games with those captives! Serial killers do the same thing! They like to tie up their victims and control them; leaving the victims helpless and at their mercy!


I must look at the whole of all things I went through; and all the relationships; for they were all false! All of them!
I was groomed into believing I had a family of relationships that could go positive or negative! In reality; their were no real relationships with any one of these sycophant degenerates! I was being lied to and fooled in a pathological nature!

In reality; I came from no one; I came from nothing! I was being used! And all the moments I felt safe enough to believe I was on a foundation; this was a lie! No one had created any foundation for me! No such thing existed!

I built a lie on these false foundations! In reality, these false foundations were lies created by the psychopaths in indoctrinate the victim into false safety! Allowing the victim to believe through groomed manipulations that they were heading into a path of safety and freedom and development! In reality; no such thing occurred! The victim was being mislead into false directions for the pleasure of the psychopath!

In my case; I was like a piece of equipment rented at a rental center! I was to play the rented child! For the situation to be authentic; no one tells the child they are being rented!

Problem; Identity!

The place; the physical environment I lived; it must go! Meaning; as much as it renders my heart felt condition; lonely; it must go! All of it! I would have never met the place or its people in real life! None of it and none of them! I was used, and without my control; moved to this environment! It was not ideal for a child of my condition or nature! I was captive of 2 psychopaths and being mis lead and used! Certainly it looks like they were simply doing what all psychopaths do; they moved into a mild unforeseen neighborhood that would never suspect what they were! They were creating a false identity! An illusion! As much as it hurts! It was all falsified and it all must go from my memory bank! All of it!

I did not come from a specific place or time period! I was moved around from place to place; nothing more! I was used by psychopaths and my only intent would be to escape! But I simply did not know this at the time as I had been fully indoctrinated and groomed and mis lead into the manipulated state of a lie that I; with full consent stay captive with these degenerates! I stayed with them because I was not aware that their strange behavior was bad for me! Their behavior was bad for me but I did not know! By the time I understood something was wrong; my mind was already torn apart and destroyed from years of psychological terror!

For the psychopath to terrorize children; it's a pleasure of power over objects; mindless objects! And the first thing the psychopath wants; destroy the objects personality! Control it, assassinate it! The goal of the psychopath is; destroy the identity of the object for the identity is getting in the way of the use and manipulation of the object! The object is the victims body! The personalty of the victim is to be destroyed! Therefore, the psychopath is set or free to use the body/object in any fashion their fantasy can create!

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Skiing; Here is an example of learning to do something new, after getting rid of the memories of psychopaths!

My father used to take us skiing! What I did not know! He was not interested in my schooling or me or my future! Nor my food or clothing or shelter; I didn't know this until later!

He was using his wives money to go skiing! to buy his boots, poles, skies, ski outfits! everything! gas, car! yet, he would have you believe he bought everything! he bought nothing! he used her and her money! he had none; he was a ######6 bum! a bum is not someone without money! a bum is someone that lives of you! for the soul purpose of living of you; has no intent at looking at his own problems or fixing them; believes the world owes him! and believes he owes no one! yet, he has no conscious, no remorse! no values; nothing! is connected to know one; their fore he can rip other people off without feeling a thing! It's his right to use people because people are beneath him!

This person; father figure; had no one else to go skiing with! It wasn't about us! It was about this sociopaths need for greed! He was greedy! He wanted a life handed to him!

It makes me sick that I had to spend any time with these sycophants! It makes me ######6 sick that they ruined my future and my schooling! I was used like I was worth nothing! And I was just a child! ######6 sickening!

I must remember; it is not personal! They saw me as a mindless object that they could use! I had no more value then this!

I stopped skiing when I got older and remembered and realized what these monsters were! They were looking for an opportunity to do things by using me! They cared nothing for me or my future! They had no one else to use! No one else was stupid enough to fall for it! I was to young to understand how I was being manipulated!

I stopped skiing when I got older because of the association with my father! I was stunned and traumatized and did not want his image in my head anymore! And I still don't want it in my head! Any association he had with me, ruined what it was I was performing; if its music! I don't want music anymore; if it's skiing! I wont ever ski again!

However, things have changed! Im getting stronger and would like to go skiing again! Even talking about it scares me and makes me sick!

I don't want any association with those worthless ######6 scum bags!


----------------------------------------------


So, those memories need to go! and be replaced with new memories where Im in control of my own life and erased from those people of the past!

I tragically did not know about them or what they were! I had no idea I was from such a background! I didn't know!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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