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OMNICELL
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Nothing good from this childhood; it must go

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:35 pm

Like a maze; The first days of my life! and it wasn't any good; non of it! The first days and things I remember; I was exposed to a psychopath and that was normal! looking back; My first days on earth that I remember; I was hiding or trying to get away from everyone! I remember being three years old and hiding in the closet! and remember my mother vacuuming; but I dont remember any interrelations; it was more like she was a maid; or she owned the house and I was visiting! Looking back, I had; to big an independence; this would suggest freedom of being on my own! I was only 3 years old! I have several memories! Yet, those memories are of me escaping or playing by myself away from everyone! I remember my father; but I remember being happy just being in the same room with them; in their bed room; However, looking back; Im not interactive with them; later I will treat the Television as I treat them; as a 2 dimensional object! Its almost as if; my early life was about looking out my eyes but never being touched or touching anything! I was content with the smallest of things happening around me! I didnt need much; I guess! at three years old; I would have no idea! I have about 6 to 10 memories of that time! I do remember the general over all feelings; I was alone in my own world; I needed safe space for myself.
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I look at my childhood like it was a maze; I was brought into a maze; an abusive dangerous maze; I was brought into it to be hurt; that was the point! Looking back and realizing these were adults doing this; they should have been tried and locked up or locked away in the state prisons! But they weren't! These were not stupid people; cunning and sharp! they knew what they were doing! They were destroyers of people!
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The point is; non of my childhood is worth remembering! If a care giver is abusing you at 6 years old from neglect and then at 7 years old from neglect and at 9 years old from neglect; what then could the future look like; not good! one can assess their will be no future for this child under the present conditions unless one can get that child away from care givers! What was my childhood like before 6 years old; its likely it is the same as at 6 or 7 or 8 years old! Im being thrown away and neglected! The problem is; I dont understand what is going on.
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If you look back at pictures of me at 4 years old; I look happy! why? Im being fooled by the sociopathic father! he's giving attention as I get older, but he is not paying for anything or taking care of anyone; At 4 years old; I dont know this! and he has created a false sense of hope and trust as if we come from a connected family system with the rest of the community! The truth is; its all a scam! their is no family, and no real connections with anyone; he is simply sociopathic thrill seeker. He is forcing his way into other peoples lives in the community for thrills. he takes his children with him as a cover! He will rob places! He will take his children at night as cover incase the cops show up! and he does this more then once! This means, the cops walk in and if they start shooting; the children will get hit first! Theirs no regard for the children's safety! But I dont understand this at 4 or 5 or 6 years old! I know things are wrong at these ages, and no one is stepping up to help me! I dont know what to do; I know their going to or suppose to! Im to young! I know something is wrong and I need help; I just assume when I get older, it will be addressed; but it never is! The real problem is; Im being neglected out of existence by 2 psychopaths and Im all alone; thats the problem, and my ability to relate to the outside world and schooling are being destroyed by this hi level of neglect! Im in a dream world and it will continue! And it will get worse!
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Its like being in a maze when a child; I dont understand anything and assume the best that everyone is on my side and things are looking fairly good and if I just keep at the strait and narrow, everything will be OK! Unfortunately this will not happen; staying at the strait and narrow will not help! The only reason I feel ok is from escaping and watching TV shows; I assume life is like a TV show and I will escape into a TV world when I get older! However, the real world crawls in, and things get harder, much harder!
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Looking back at my parents when young; Theirs very little to look back on! From my mothers side; no one is taking care of me! She does not care! My father is giving me some attention; but its not the right kind; in respect to; I get to go in his truck with him; but I need someone that cares about my schooling! No one is around; no one cares bout the human me developing or about my future; they could care less! I dont exist!
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I remember when little, you have to save money in a bank account; I was in first grade! The teachers made you do this! everyone had to! My father and mother argued with each other in front of us or me about the money; my father wanted to take it out and use it to buy us a motor bike for Christmas! My mother told him it was school money!
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In reality, neither one of these people cared what happened to me or whether I was saving school money or how it was spent! They didnt not care if they ever saw me again, They didnt care if I was killed, or killed in front of them; they could care less; and thats the betrayal of it all; they were sociopathic and psychopathic! They were simply playing a game or skit with trapped human children; that is all they were doing; when the gig is up; they pack up their belongings and leave and never return!
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The point is; my early life and later life is like a halloween nightmare movie gone worse! I was used, exploited and thrown away and never had a chance or clue or an undemanding of what was going on! I was in great torment and fear and terror! and that is exactly what the psychopath were betting on! Was it a big deal for them to terrorize or destroy me! no; it was no more then a group of momentary thrills; nothing more; then they would move on and find other hosts! No remorse, no conscious!
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How do I look at my childhood!
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I now see God in my imagination, putting up electric fences and posts and "do not enter" signs all over the city I lived! What does this mean; he's trying to tell me, " you may drive through these areas but you may not enter any buildings or talk to the inhabitance! You will never play in these areas again, and you were never suppose to be here in the first place; this was never your home!
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God has put up fences and or road blogs keep me out of the houses I played in as a kid or the school systems or the family house or relatives; because it was all a sham; or fake or scam or a fraud; exploitation serious level fraud! it was all fake! I was being used! Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, I was being used!
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God does not want me hanging on to any of it; any of this childhood; it was all bad from the start; from the first day I was born and pushed into this maze where I would be hurt and destroyed over n over n over with no escape; no one cared about me or my existence or survival! later; Terror and fear gripped my soul!
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God has made it clear that their is no redeeming reason to remember any of it nor the city I lived in or the neighborhood I came from! God has made it clear; that these psychopaths chose the city I lived in; it was not a city for me; it was a city they chose; it was not " my city"; I had no real home town because their was no one really looking out for me or choosing a home town for a child; their fore, I never lived in anything or anywhere with any type stability! I came from nowhere! The neighborhood I lived in at first was nothing but a stop over for these psychopaths to play their games; when the games are up; they simply move away! It matters not who I am or the type of life I was building! I was used! Unfortunately, the psychopaths could stay at a place for 5 years, and a child build roots outside this house; build them on their own in the community! matters not! The psychopaths will up root the child merciless and with no remorse, pulled every root out quickly that the child has established as life; The child is so ruptured and psychologically raped by this time; not much left of them accept massive trauma and PTSD! Fear, loss, sadness and confusion! no hope! and I can assure anyone that the community did not help me; they slammed their doors in my face as if they never met me!
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The point is; God goes back in my memories and takes over for the little boy in me and as that little boy remembers; God keeps him on the strait and narrow! This child might meander his mind down the street of his childhood; God stops the whole affair and makes it clear to the child; this is a danger zone; This is a dangerous area; no entering any of the houses; You may drive down this street with God driving the car; in through the street and down out of the street on the other end and no visiting anything that occurred when younger! It is a lie and unsafe and always had been! hazard; stay out! Your in Gods care now!
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The point Im trying to make! As the child in me wants to enter his past; God will not allow him in the city he falsely grew up in; God has made it clear to this child that he was blind and did not see things correctly of what was really going one; Their was no safety, their was no real hope or future their was no real friends anywhere or schooling, their was no relatives; its all faked; someone was exploiting me! Their is nothing but danger here and no reason to enter this city! Your good memories are actually bad! This whole experience is a bad memory zone; all of it; every day of my young life; from 0 to 18 years old.
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I visited my relatives; In reality, I had no relatives! they were complete strangers! My father was thrill seeking; wanting to take these people hostage! He would enter their property, knock on the door; they would allow him to visit; they did not like him or want him on their property; but they would act accordingly for a few hours! As a child; I did not know we were never friends with these people! I was introduced to these people as if they liked us! In reality, these people were scared because, if they didnt play along; my father would go back in at night and vandalize them or their stuff! or their business; and they knew it! They knew him; they knew what he was! From a childs stand point; Im being led on to believe these people are a friendly family system favored toward me! In reality, no one here likes me or cares! They do not want to see me again, and they never wanted to meet me! I am a complete stranger to them uninvited!
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God is trying to tell the child in me; in the present; " Omnicell; their was no childhood! In reality, this is a dangerous place for you; it always had been but you were to young to know what was going on" " their are no memories worth remembering as joyful or happy or stable" " in reality Omnicell, you had nothing"! it was all fake! It was all false"; we will start over for you; that you can create a new childhood; and original one; the way God intended!
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For my self love and protection; now! God allows me to see this city( the way it really is); with road blocks and signs on each side of the roads before I enter the city; it means, I can drive through the street of my memories, but no stopping or interacting with any people or place or thing; I am to drive through as if Im just driving through to a better destination! for their was no one that loved me and their never was any stability for me; for I was a throw away from the very start! Any good feelings I might have endured during that time came from my solitude and my thoughts on things! and God does not want me mixing up what I was thinking with the reality of what was really going on!
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Their fore, I have never had a childhood yet! Ive never had one; I had those fist 18 years of my life stolen from me and exploited! I was a captured little boy that was under siege and the control of psychopaths; thats all it was! When they were done using me; I was thrown away!
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My new life will not start with those miss informed memories of a false life that never was. A life that turns out as one giant lie and exploitation of children!
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I was simply captive by 2 psychopaths that created a giant lie! From their point; The sociopath is interacting with me for thrill seeking! He has no feelings toward me accept that its a thrill to lie to me and watch me; its excitement to see me confused or frustrated or slowly being destroyed; He exploited me; he lied and exploit others in the community the same way! Being a fraud excites him; fooling everyone around him excites him; he has no conscious or bounds to ling and the exploitation of others; its all thrill seeking for him; he's empowered that he has not been caught yet and can get away with it; and thats the power and interest; to fool others secretly and get away with it! he feels on top of the world! He has a contempt for the world and society and feels he is superior to everyone; to all people; and he is the lonely only victim of all people! He has the right to do anything he wants! pure narcissist! Dangerous! He is and probably was a practicing rapist! not toward children! toward women! and later he will con and manipulate and exploit young broken women or anyone else he can find! He will switch hats and personalities! And this will create a false front; and they will be fooled into false trust with him! And he will enjoy the false front he has created and how it fools those he has captured! he captured people without them knowing they were captured!
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The psychopath in this group; my mother; Their is no interest in me! Their is no one trying to hide that they are fooling me; She will get rid of me as soon as possible! She is a sadistic natured psychopath; and has no use for children; they are to be gotten rid of! She is a fake and false, but sicker then my father; much sicker mentally, with this psychopathic condition! She has children to please my father; but in reality, she wants to be part of his family money! However, he has fooled her; their is no exterior family money; it is a hoax; one sociopath fooling another! This sociopath is a hoax; a lie; his life a lie; and his wife falls for it or takes a chance on it; it falls through; she realizes she's been conned and packs up and leaves! She realizes theirs no money in this! IT will take her no time to find another host! However, who ever she ropes in; in the future, some will figure out what is going on. In one case; one mans parents stepped in and stopped my mother from taking advantage of their son! They pulled their son back in! As for me; Unfortunately, Im exposed to all of this! Im only a child!
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Im being used 100%, with no future! The psychopath or sociopath lies to children and leads them on and on and on, just as they lead the world on n on on in false directions! When the sociopath has truly fooled the person and destroyed them and stripped them of something; the sociopath packs up everything and leaves so they are never accountable! They are predators and vicious con men! They strip their victims of everything; everything human or memory based or economic! Or they destroy they future! In some cases, they kill! or have someone else rape them! and or violence; depends on the type of aggression stye they use! Every style used at 100% levels is a form of torture to the victim and the victims nervous system! The sadistic psychopath is a torture!
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The point of this blog is to continue the process of processing the past out of existence; the importance of the non importance of it! The goal is to come out of denial and lit it all go; for their was nothing in it in the first place! Their is no value in this childhood remembering; because of the principle " who you know". I was around people that hurt children; the only thing of importance would be when I escaped!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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