Ill keep these rolling everyday as long as I can... As long as I keep growing right now; and growth is occurring everyday.. everyday; new stuff is materializing and changing and opening up beyond trauma back to normal. But that may take several years. Ive got different time periods of trauma.
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From o to 8; That is my time period and my memories and who I am. And that is where my dreams were starting and would have started. So; thats the time period I look at as the starting point Im trying to get back to. And I think its possible. The goal is to work through the other time periods in the way; the dissociated time periods... Im assuming my mind is damaged and it will continue to spill out PTSD for ever and never. And my mind will switch from time period to time period. And Ill be somewhere in time in PTSD and not know that Im not dissociated and not know that Im not their... And thats just the way it is... I would like that to heal and be present. Ill work on being more present... Ill just keep it up as I get better. And I am getting better.
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I have the opportunity to become who I once was; the feelings and security and self love and views and values and all of it. I mean; I once was. its just that I was myself and no one else.... And had my own views. Unfortunately I was around horrible monsters and didnt know it.. I had no idea. I didnt know. I thought they were my friends; They were never my friends; ever... I continue to work with God to erase they memories... as fast as possible. Some of them I met when very young and wanted nothing to do with me later. But their was nothing wrong with me; They were on the wealthier street; enough said; I had no idea that those people were like they were; scoundrels; no real friends to anyone... Horrible horrible heartbreaking lessons... I had friends on that street; but I guess not... I was wrong... I was completely wrong. never make friends on that street ever again. ever... stay clear and learn the lesson.
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I look at myself when very young and look at myself right now and ask; what is missing. Relationships are missing; people that love me or I can love; but God is helping with that I guess. ill have to keep at it. Keep working at this to un lock the survival mode to come back to living again.
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Details; more details showing up.
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I saw a memory of my first love in my mind; something I had not seen in many many years. It was a realistic thought of her... At that moment I saw her in my mind and I remember; I thought I was better then she was. I was sabotaging.... And I still do this today....
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Sabotaggio future relationships...
This is a hard subject to talk about.
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Dealing with my Father; this is very hard; He started out acting like a father and I thought he was a father; he was not; he was a sociopath; probably a rapist. He helped out the first few years of my life; from 4 to 8; the fun years; I created a whole world around him and how we were going to do things when I got older.. I would be gone at the end of my 8th birthday; in human; unbelievable. Still cant deal with that trauma; and at least Im talking about it so I can feel the pain of it. Him leaving meant; the house and the neighborhood and all my way of looking at things and dream; and security; was all off; I was wrong; their was no parents who cared about me nor relatives nor anyone; all disappointment; much worse; my whole life collapsed... pure horror and abuse. and at that moment of horror; I cant describe what the feels like; the way it grinds against my nervous system because Im alll alone and have to learn how to survive emotionally and spiritually on my own; no one to take Care of me; absolutely animalistic.. Horrifying. So; thats what I have to write about and work through and come out on the other end knowing Im safe and Ill be Ok. lots of horrible trauma their. I havent really written on that directly; to much for me. Lots of dissociation in that...
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I never asked the first girl I loved out. Does she owe me anything ? how she thought of me later; does she owe me anything... Damn. This is the major turning point of my young life; the tragedy of this situation; but in reality; I never asked her out. Im trying to come to grips with what that looks like...
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Im trying to see this from her perspective; I never asked her out; and I never made a pass at her and when she asked me to basically ask er out over n over n over; I refused; I chickened out. But I kept going up to her and around her. She tried to sit on my lap and I pushed her off rejection her like it was stupid. But in reality; I loved her secretly; but it wasn't such a secret. later she said I meant nothing to her; she had already moved on. I didnt move on... But I already moved on by not making a pass at her in the first place.. Im mad as hell at her and anyone like her... But is that fair. Whats going on inside me that I would be this entitled or narcissistic... thats where Im having a problem; Im delusional about all this and Im scarred to death to find out the answer. because the answer is a bigger solution for my situation right now; my dissociative situation; it forces me to wake up.
does a women owe me something if she knows or believes we both like each other but Ive not asked her out and another guy comes along and does and she goes out with him right in front of me.... I never asked her out...
Its this kind of stuff Im trying to figure out... its important. its the core of my dissociative problems... It also means I dont want to tell the truth about what happened. Im not honest....
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Im not really being honest about it. ITs dissociative disorder and needing anyones help that would notice me; thats what I really needed. I didn't really need to go out; I just needed help from somebody.... IT could be I didnt care about being in love with anyone; I just needed her help; help; I need help.. Im being destroyed again... I need help... help me please help me... From the teenagers point of view at the time... But she didnt... didnt care... not at all... Something like that; the real problems; that their were real problems. She owed me... Man o man. I can see that feels like me dealing with my fathers abandonment. And she was sent as a replacement. her family.
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I also have very little strength. Im sensitive and would grow up and develop in very specific non bulling ways... Im exceptionally sensitive person; like an artist composer... actor.... expression...
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Im not sure. Im so sensitive to everything; agoraphobia is my middle name..
I was online in a FB club or group... And one women said she stays inside and never leaves; something of that nature and the way she said it hit me perfectly. I think I posted about relationships; being in survival mode; I cant be in one. Im not relaxed.. Im working on coming out of it.
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But the reality is; Im to weak to be in a relationship... Im to sensitive... I cant play the game with anyone. I dont know. I certainly dont want to be around people that opportunise on other people; thats not it either for me. I dont know; Ive got God and will work with God on this stuff.
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But I really relate to the agoraphobic. I suppose if I had money. I dont know.
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As for meeting people; I dont know. Ill have to trust God; Ive never seen anything like this... meaning; my worth as a human being is simply lonely or alone. It doesn't make sense to me... Non of this Does.
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I havent gone to as many 12 step meetings; Thank God; hopefully Ill move on from most of them accept the mens meetings. But I have no other social places; nothing; its as if I dont fit anywhere; nothing. Its a bizarre kind of waisted life. I dont know; I started with a TV set and Im ending with at TV set; nothing in reality.
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Ive never had a relationship ever; not a real one. Not one with someone I liked; never ever. Was it really suppose to be this way.. I mean. was never in a career. Never get started in anything; but then massive trauma mental illness...
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The problem with women has always been women. I mean; Ive never been around the right women; never. Ill work with God on it. I Think my new rule has been. The universe is protecting me. And the universe is bringing me only safe women who are faithful and of quality and no one else. I pray for the courage to be under Gods direction... I pray for the courage to be helpful to others?
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If women show up around me; so be it... Other then that. No way. I dont know.
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ive learned my lesson at the 12 step meetings; That was a God thing. Give them a inch a rope; Some of the women that liked me. And they will find another guy to hang with...
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I dont know. Im oK. but its almost a waiting game; thats all this life is... Nothing more...
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A friend of mine; if I can call them a friend said that Ive spent half my life in doors; thats all ive done. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand CPTSD or dissociative disorder or my background.
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Its as if im living in an artificial bubble. I feel almost autistic; but Im not.
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Anyway; As for relationships;. I just dont know; Ill keep working with God but I dont dont know anyone and I dont go anywhere... and I dont no where to go. I could save up for a car; but I dont know where Id go with it. Go off to a forest alone somewhere; always alone.
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Ill take all of this to God. I dont understand; especially with women. Im getting old. I was reading about Bob Denver the actor of gilligan's Island; he died at 70; thats not that far away for me... Im like; I really dont get it. non of this.. I just dont have anywhere to go.
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So; As Ive mentioned; My father; that stuff has to be worked through. Step father stuff has to be worked through. School stuff; certain grades have to be worked through... And I will.
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When allot of this processing trauma stuff is worked through; Ill work with God on places to go and people to meet. I dont know...
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Im further then ive ever been. Right now; im spending allot of time alone because I dont want to go back to meetings. I would like more social choices for myself. And Ill say this; Ill get those choices working with God;. right now; Im agoraphobic a bit; so....
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So; I think realistically; Ive been mentally ill; I still suffer from over sensitivity to the point of agoraphobia; so I have to give myself a break. most of what I write about is from my head; not from out in the world. most of the time; Im not out in the world connecting... no connection... nothing. because Im never around the right people to connect with or want to interact with or work with or anything... nothing. What can I do about it; Ill have to talk to God about all of this and see where I end up.
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As for women. What women; thats the problem. And its scary for my nervous system. Ill keep at it.. Keep working with God as I get older. I honestly dont know what to expect. No relationships; I dont know...
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So; Ill keep working on it.
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So; what kind of life do I want to live or did I want to live... or what do I want. obviously how Ive lived is not working. I mean;
Ive been at 12 step groups and is saved my life but its not life... I dont have a clue outside; but maybe I should work with God on the type of life I want.. Ive still got some time left.. What or how do I want to live.
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I mentioned about being kind of depressed; not wanting to do anything or go anywhere because; whats the use... and thats been with me all of my life. All the bulling and problems and stuff; life is just a place I want to hide from.
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but if I could live my life the way I want to; what would it be?
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I have to have some kind of faith.
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Ive spent years working with God on where Im suppose to be or what Im suppose to do.. it always goes blank; goes nowhere. everything goes nowhere... So; Im not sure what to see in my imagination; I dont know...
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Im moving into the realm of the imagination