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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals o
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2 goals; elements of accomplishment
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Next step

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Mar 12, 2021 11:36 pm

Next step.
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And yet; another turn for the better; Now Im seeing actual sexual abuse abusers and Im in the rooms with them as my memories come back and Im seeing myself outside walking around tall or normal.. meaning independence within my mind...or heart or imagination or PTSD... it means Im remembering and my memories are starting to come back from the PTSD... all of this is the first time since the time of the abuse... in all that Ive been writing.
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What if I can get past sexual abuse period and go back into childhood period and re experience that; coming back to normal. that would be next. But Im nowhere near any of that; not yet.. But it wants to.. So; more advancements... ill keep doing what Im doing to slowly come back to reality...
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At times I hate going to meetings because of the sociopaths that bother me. I get picked or pegged by them. I refuse to leave but I get a kind of bulling by them. Sickening forced interaction. I am only their to observe and nothing else... I pray about it. I need to meetings right now for recovery...
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Im in the middle of the passage way; Im going through the passage...
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Im working through the bridge that connects me to the other side; Im on the other side making phone calls to people. It is establishing me on the other side. Im doing it everyday for one week. Im learning some things. First; this person doesn't have it together quit like I thought. Meaning; Hes not that developed in this... Lot less than I thought. So; Im starting to understand what Im dealing with. God is sending me to people to get me back on my feet; Thats what this is about... Its hard work... But Im learning.
Im co dependent; badly; and this is a very bad place to be; ITs crazy; Im just now starting to learn about it and learn what to do about it. I have no idea because Im separated from myself.
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Ill have to work my way back. Thats what Im doing slowly; Im capable of that right now; barely; but its showing up.
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Women; Im learning!
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What Im learning from visualizing my first love as if Im in a new relationship with her; doing this in my imagination; What am I learning; Im learning to get more physically active toward getting to know her or tell her how I feel. And Im getting on it now; not tomorrow.
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So; Im learning what I wanted and needed to learn; but Im not their yet. Im learning; I take full responding ability for myself; leaving it in no ones hands but mine. no one is to tell the girl I like her but me; and she will know nothing until I do. In reality; of course she knows I like her; but it matters not; not until I tell her. And this is what Im learning;
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I am learning; tell her first; man up first; tell her first what I want and how I feel and then see what happens; dont watch what happens and then tell her later that I liked her... I have to learn to go up to her; open up to her; physically show up around her after Im invited from phone calls and texts... Taking action is what I mean; show up around her and tell her what I want; that I like her; do not be passive; period. No way. Wont work. Im interested in what works.
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Im getting the message... Tell her how I feel. if Im with her; tell her... move it forward now...
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So; the message is a kind of grow up and tell her... This is not the time to play games; its as simple as that... SO; im getting the answer I need; Im getting the experiences I need. God has brought me a way of finding out how.. And Im doing it. And its working.
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At the meetings Im sharing real stuff; its not easy; ive got predators in their that bug on me; treat me like am an insect... Its my choice to be their; no one is making me; im working with God so I can work through this stuff and move on. Ill keep working with God on it... I get mad at God wondering where he is....
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Next step God!
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So; The first problem dealing with women concerning interaction is getting solved. Im growing up and not playing games anymore... Im getting the message. ITs kind of like; pay your bills first and they want come down on you at the end of the month; its the same way with women. Tell them now what I want; man up and tell them... Tell then first. And Im getting it.. be viral; be strong and take care of business and Im doing that... Im changing; Ill have to ask God for the next stop forward...
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Im finding that these people Im associated with; they really dont know anything about me or how I think or whats been going on with me; they are completely fooled... They see me as much simpler then I am. Ive been observing and they are taking a simple approach toward me concerting things; And thats Ok I guess. Ill just take it as thats the best I can expect and leave it at that..
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A gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; Ill continue to work on it and expect God to fill in the gaps; I'm continue to imagine ive already crossed the bridge until God fills in a bridge.
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In need and want Gods protection and I expect God to keep me safe and do so.... .
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In addition to visualizing women and relationships; I want to or have to visualize playing the piano; playing one of my songs in first person POV... This is not so easy; its the openness and fear of being open... Thats whats bugging me and it feels exactly liked it does in the real world when visualizing within my imagination. Im assuming this is the direction God wants me to take; its a hard road but its a road.. It hurts; its really open. And within my imagination it sucks; I mean; I can feel it when I focus on a hand and Im not focusing on the outside world around me that could hurt me; its very uncomfortable. And I see sexual abuse and being in that house where I was sexually abused... So; I have my work cut out for me. I see my best friends house when I lived their; horrible; a nest of vipers; nothing more; pure evil; sociopaths or what ever they were.. unbelievable. I had no idea; I really didnt.
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He is my false friend; He is a friend no more; and he never was a friend; he was a user of people and that is all; an opportunist who was fooling me...
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I now see myself in first grade; Im sitting against the window on the far left side in the back. At the end of class; everyone leaves; I dont meet anyone that day; I am alone.. No friends.. I see myself walking by the battle field; that is the area of grass all the kids played on. I am alone as I walk by. Im walking home. When in first grade in my imagination; I see myself walking up after class and talking to the teacher that I can get a good grade out of the class. and no one else is in the class; and I wont be meeting anyone else... I didnt meet anyone significant... it never happened. So; I change the history of that day... no friends. and I re write my history again...
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I see myself sitting in front of the television set; Im watching a specific show on TV... Its my first TV show that counts... and it is the beginning of my life. Before this; a few years before their is music and specific time periods of my first music experience; My first songs of importance. And at this point with this TV Show; it marks the beginning of my life and direction; and this time it will take another turn; a creative turn and will leave out the people on the street I live on. I wont be visiting someone of those houses; in fact; it will be the rich kids houses; Ill be leaving them out... In my new story; I will walk by their homes and keep walking... Never meet them... And I will get involved in acting and the arts... And I will visualize this.. I will get involved in math... and teaching and other things when young I think... I will pray about this and my direction.
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Im not their yet; but Im getting close; close to being up to speed to start over from that TV show. Not yet; but yes; but almost; or one could say im up to speed for it at it; but cant go beyond it because a new script must be created; built for my new life; This time without some of the people from my past. I will have to go with a more austere approach to life that requires a bit more discipline and creativity... Ill be in plays and very creative and meet other friends; real friends.. We will see; Ill pray about it and in my imagination; Ill pray about it... Its horrible what happened here when young on all accounts... Its horrible to have had a fake best friend; who was no friend; nothing. a scam artist; thats all.
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I have to see myself playing piano.. and singing my song; I have to work on this in my imagination and keep working on it; blocking out or working through the bad thoughts that are going with it; Im being taken back to bad desolate places and bad people with no hope... Ive associated music with no hope; nothingness.. And that has to be broken and done over. Im seeing nothing but negative people and places and things and thats it.. Nothing more... bad people. if Im going to see myself create a song and perform it; it must be positive experiences....
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Ill work with God on this... Same for Any more advancement in Art... We will see. Its up to me.
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I seriously do not see how it will be possible to have a wife. I just dont see it... I see all the trouble im dealing with right now; by a guy bulling me; a sociopath. I let go because Im just observing in the meetings. This is the guy that step with and took over the women I was interested in. She allowed it completely; I watched her. I was forced to watch every time I was at a park meeting last year. Totally horrible. And now I have to deal with this idiot... Why did I ever get involved with that women in the first place. I tried to stay away from her the whole time; I made the mistake of talking to her twice; thats all it took. Just more trouble. Thats all it ever is with the women ive been around my whole life; trouble makers... causing Godless dissension with respectable people. Dont shoot the messenger; In fact; Im the most fair decent person I know; Im just a witness; nothing more; its unbelievable... I cant imagine. Ill continue to work with God; But my God; what happened out here. ITs just horrible.
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I wont look at a women anymore that has any looks; I refuse. Ive not met one of them that has any value for friendship or any other values; nothing... cold hearted is not the word for it; no hearted.. Nothing. most of the married people I meet; the women have married stock n trade guys; not for love; but to taken care of. A friend of mine just lost his girlfriend to another guy for this very reason... She was already seeing this other guy; no conscious about it from her or the new guy shes dating and now she wears the clothing that matches the new guy; all fake love; fake everything; This new guy got a better job; suddenly she breaks up with my friend and is going out with him. Does it ever end.
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Im not seen with any value; nothing. Zero; Im not sure thats a bad thing. Im not sure what God is teaching me. This last girl I liked and her new boyfriend; they are brutal filth... Godless; horrible; evil. I told the universe to protect me... And I guess the universe is teaching me...
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When I tell the universe to bring me only women of quality faithfulness and are safe; suddenly Im alone; no one; Nothing; everything is silent.
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I dont think nice guys finish at all. Ive never seen treachery like this accept from women. Ive never seen anything like this... Horrible. Are all women this horrible???
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I feel sorry for the nice women in the world who have to deal with this concerning men.. They must get horrible jaded to the point of never dating or going out ever again; damaged is what they get.
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I honestly had no idea. I didnt realize it was this wide spread... I just thought God was bringing me the right women and all I had to do was respond and...... But; im not sure what is going on anymore... Their status and how they look to others is more important. I look at some of the horrible people they date and wonder how they can be in the same room with these monsters. What would they have to say to them... Maybe the women are getting a check on they belts; meaning; its like another score for them; they scored with one more Alfa male. I would never touch them now that they've slept with that filth... I wont go near them... The sad fact is; they would rather pick someone like that then me... I have no value to them; nothing. Absolutely nothing; just horrible. Unbelievable. And its been this way all my life from the beginning. And Im not the only one..
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Not sure. Ill keep working with God but the price to my emotional state and my nervous system. It costs to much to associate with them in all areas; way to much...
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Ill keep working with God; but I dont understand...
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I am advancing in my visualization of my first love. slowly moving forward re creating that old story. Ill keep at it.
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Music;
God is showing me what I need to do to create my first song to be song in front of others; I simply or complexly have to memories the lyrics; and their it is. How do I feel about it; I really dont want to go out into the world anymore. For what? But Ill try it; most of my interests in the world have been ruined... really ruined where I just want to be safe... around the right people.. I dont know....
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My tolerance for women has to change or something; something is not acceptable here. I mean; no one that I know of would have any interest in women the ones Im seeing; its impossible. God will not allow me around them; they are roadblocked so far... The ones ive been interested in or were interested in me; mainly because they were; Some where brought to me as soulmates; and they did not owner it... Is that true? Well... Ill have to think about that one for a minute... My attitude is now being transformed; but it would never allow anyone like the women Ive known of that liked me from the past; impossible. Never....
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So; Im more concerned about getting that gap filled in so I can look upward and focus on something better than my problems. I want to focus on the solutions...
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Relying on God on an hourly basis...
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Im having to start over and give up any friends I das from the past that I thought were on my dish. This is v very hard to do; scary lonely.
What ever new I want; ill have to imagine. And walk through it over n over in my imagination.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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