As of Feb 16th 2021. Next step...
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So; Im at a meeting; mens meeting. Ive been at the recovery process for about 25 years... I spent the first part of it to keep myself from killing myself. That was n the middle 1990's. I spent the early part of 2000's. riding mountain bikes and taking meds... I wasn't drinking anymore; I did start to abuse it and jus on the verge; I couldn't stop. And I started drinking all the time and I started buying it in the day time. I was showing the signs of alcoholism for the first time.. actually it started the last few years before I stopped. But before it could really go beyond the signs; I tried to kill myself because of the PTSD and I was put on the 4th floor of the hospital for a week; that was about 1997? I stopped drinking then. I just did; everything stopped; After the hospital stay; someone found me and became my sponsor and got me into 12 step work while I was also at the therapists office and stuff... later My mental condition will get worse. Ill end up homes for a year and 1 year of being broke before that. and then try to work for a year... didnt work. I got worse; They put me on Social security; disability for Long term PTSD; Clinical Depression-Psychotic; personality disorder/ agoraphobia... Multiple phobias and so forth. This is around 2000. The next 8 years are ruff. in 2006 I could not leave my bed for 7 months; Agoraphobia; they put me in the hospital for 2 weeks; and it worked. I was much better; but then I could not go into a bed room and I could not sleep; I was afraid of sleeping. So I would pass out all over the place. Hated it...
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In 2o04 I started studying dating techniques so I could learn how to talk to people again; it worked; took me about 6 years of work; I was extremely mentally ill and lost. I could not get close to people. In 2008 I was with a private psychologist; she diagnosed me very quickly; with Full Dissociative disorder/DID/CPTSD... And then the next level of work endured. It was horrible work. In 2012 signs of getting better; others could see it. I was getting better; no more talking at meetings about blowing up the state or killing my parents or talk of setting peoples houses on fire...
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In 2014 I begen to be stablized. But I was a white sheet; a chalk board with nothing on it; I needed a mother and father to show me how to live; God brought me the Laws of attraction and and several teachers online I could learn from. the first years I watched and listened to vids. The next years; 2105; I began manifesting for the first time. I had done it before; but not studied it openly with a name to put on it. So; studying success and how successful people got their success and the laws of attraction; and Im still at it to this day.
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In 2020; massive changes occurred in a positive direction of healing; the covid year... And here I am now.
2021; And for this year; it begins; I first started recovery to keep from killing myself and I learned about drugs and alcohol; I had a beginning serious problem developed in the alter use of drugs while in high school; caught me off guard; over doses and finally hospital stays and bad trips. The hospital stays basically ended my drug used; However, about 4 years later; Ill start to slowly bring alcohol into the picture; not so much drugs anymore. The at slowly slowly develop until the 4th year; and then it ill pick up a bit; that last few years will turn potential alcoholic; but it will all be cut short by a suicide attempt do to PTSD... And Ill end up in the hospital for week.
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OK. So; In the recovery process; first; Im trying to save myself from suicide for the first 4 years. next; Ill learn about how to stay off of drugs and alcohol and other addictions.. I was also going to Seattle to binch on things every 6 months... always to the same places and same hotels and such...
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I was seeing an addiction counselor; a few of them. They helped at the time but I was lost... This is in the early parts of 2000s.
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So; I worked the steps like a mad crazy man for a very long time; over n over... So; Learned how to recover and how to recover in meetings... From 2014 until now; the goal was to bring back my talents and learn how to use them; learn how to date again and learn how to become social again. That was the goals.
Soulmates; this started in 2016; Asian+soulmate; 4 years of it. Brought in 3 Asian soulmates. no success with any of them... Well; I had wonderful success experiencing all of it; but I never took them out... no success; I was to chicken to ask them out? Well; here's the real deal; it was way to much for my nervous system to have close friends again; after what id been through when younger... And I was automatically shut off. No way; I ghosted them... But finally when I thought about going out with them; every time; They either played me or had another man hitting on them or with them suddenly within the same time frame I was going to ask them out; And they they knew this; they were watching the whole time; it was a game for them. So; lately Ive asked God; why these specific women; why. If they had interest in me at first but when I finally came around to asking them out; it was 2 late; they made sure of it. Certainly I had no value to them; so why go through any of this in the first place; What was on Gods mind. I dont know? Maybe to keep me safe; but why go through this; why bring these women to me in the first place. Why?
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Now; the next step for me.
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Im now learning how to live my life outside the meetings successfully; That is the next step for me; and im at the very beginning. So; Here I am in the beginning of the next phase; creating a life outside the 12 step rooms; Im cranky; angry, closed minded; mad, cowardly;; Im a complete beginner; Ive now stopped talking in meetings and Im listening again because Im now applying it all to a very hard subject; how to have a real life in the real world...
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Remember I have agoraphobia; Dissociative Disorder; CPTSD. I mean; the outside world is a scary place for me. My mind can hardly not be taken over by the past. But its the next step and its here.
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I used to write all the time during meetings or draw.. now I don't because I dont have to; Ive more arrived now and Im listening because Im now applying what im hearing to create a new life.
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One of the big areas I heard about tonight was faith; The ability to take a chance and trust God... I dont have to know the answer; all I have to know is; God is with me and its Ok to take a chance; Thus my first lesson.
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I talked to a guy today about teaching me some guitar stuff; basics stuff; ive been playing basic stuff for a little while. This takes it to the next step. The goal; if I choose is to play in a band and sing basic stuff. So; hes going to teach me how to get up to that basic level. We will see.. .
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As for dating; yes; Ill keep at it. Ill have to present myself like everyone else; Ill have to be " out their" groomed and ready to go.... not ready for that; but we will see; yes I will be..