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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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next step

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Feb 16, 2021 7:24 am

So; Im dont know if Im in a good place or not; Im right in the middle of the next level of healing. Im an insecure area; a gap. I have to complete the work in my imagination concerning the first girl I loved. It has to be completed; where I act out in my imagination a complete relationship from beginning to end; with a happy ending and a loving functional relationship. Its working. The more I practice; the more she gets closer to me physically and emotionally and spiritually and talkative within my imagination.
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The point of this visualization is; God sent me to her house when I was 14; I was to love her; care for her; marry her. She was my soulmate; I knew that; I saw it. Something horrible happened that tore me apart; has to do with the psychopaths I was living with; I was not the same. I was torn into; I had already gone through massive trauma of all sorts. No one cared. This was the last straw; I made a mistake and told one of them something personal and I was destroyed by it.
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By the time I got back up to this girls house I had lost my stability as a human being. I was about 16 years old? I was to love her. I turned on her. Made her out to be a bad person; She had no idea that was coming; and I never showed that side of any part of a personality; it shocked her; traumatized her. damaged... Harmed her. I harmed her purposely so I could get out of my responsibility to love her. I wanted to run. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. IT was more then that; it was devious. What part of me started hating her. Well; it was I think the part of me hating that traumatized part of myself that could not function in society. and I started blaming her as part of that over all society; she was also part of it and I put the giant mass responsibility for everything on her and the world; I mean; they were all this gray matter... She was now on the other side. it was like the civil war; Im on one side; shes on the other. But in reality; she had no idea she was on any other side. I snuck away from her and then put up a divide between her and me and blamed her for it. Pure evil is what it was... Pure evil. I was pure evil; the same thing I complain about from everyone else and Im complain about the world being; I became; obviously for me; it was toward my mother the psychopath for ruining and damaging my life... I mean; this was a criminal who was damaged I kids life... should have been against the law. And then I took it out on everything that came near me.
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As for the girl. IT was Gods orders for me to love her; I did not follow through; it even surprised God. Everything collapsed; my life collapsed into horror and turmoil; I loved that girl with all my heart. God was trying to get me out away from the psychopaths and that was the direction; but I @!@@@! it up. I took a cowards way out for absolutely no reason. I never faced the intricate parts of the development of man hood that goes into those months of being with a women; thus moving from mothers house hold into independence... God brought someone for me to practice with; to build something; to love to have purpose. To be happy; I was so happy with her; I just wanted to be around her; thats all I wanted in this life and I claim it was ruined by my mother. It was.
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So; Now; for me to get better; God is having me go back in and serve his will once more on the same issue;. I am to visualize the relationship and make it right once more. Completely., Not easy; but the more work I put out visualizing; the further Im getting. And I can see how its healing me.
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In the present;
What ever women God brought me to help me with this; it fell through; they fell through; they never followed through; they secretly picked other men and dumped me... These were women who showed signs of soulmate. It mattered to me; but not to them. it didnt matter to them at all. leaving me heartbroken and shocked.
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So; I have this work to do on visualizing my first love; and Ill keep reporting on it until it is finished. Or complete enough to be the equivalent. Ill know when I am to move on.
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Its time to start looking into a new girlfriend; What am I looking for. Here we go again.
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Looking at the past.
3 Asian soulmates; thats whats been brought me so far...
Looking back in horror; each was my best friend but I could not handle it. They were all soulmates. They are all gone now. yesteryear. should be interesting to see who shows up.
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Im no longer interested in women at 12 step groups; because Im done with going back to 12 step groups; I mean 4 meetings a day; I dont need it; I need a life in the real world again. I go to 1 meeting a day; I could go to more; zoom meetings in the morning; but Im not on that as much anymore.
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The key is to work on the work that will get me back out into the real world dealing with real people and society once again connected; thats where Im going.
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Im looking for another Asian soulmate; Asian soulmate means something to me. But technically; I want A real Asian soulmate. Im not sure who will show up; F_ck; In old. In my prime I was a girl magnet; very few of us; very fu; Girl magnets are based on one thing; Their looks. their looks have to be so above the normal that every women wants you. And thus; thats what happened to me. Genetics I guess; I never meant anything to me at all; nothing; but it meant something to the women that looked like Ms Universe... But in reality; I attracted everything of all ages; women I mean. Ages 18-80. Those days are over. I cant keep the weight off... Im getting to old. The last women I attracted was a college cheerleader; exceptionally physically beautiful; I dont know how old she was 24. I dont know... maybe younger... seriously; but she liked me right from the start; right out of the gate; a soulmate... never left me alone. But it did not good. I botched that one up just like the others... and soon; the line grew thin and she pulled away by being drawn to another man in front of me. It was horrifying for me to watch... I never really responded to her at all. And she finally allowed another man into her life. IT was still manipulative on her part. I just gave up and walked away. I never really talked to her. She spent to much time giving her energy to other men if she didnt get what she wanted from me. So; I gave up ignored her... After she courted that other guy in front of me; I ghosted her immediately and never went back ever. And wont. She is locked out permanently. She tried to come back later and start staring at me with those big brown love eyes; NOPE... It didnt work; no connected; wont work this time. The problem was; she was sent by God as I was sent by God for us to be together. for mental health reasons I couldn't budge and deal with her; I froze up; like I always do. I was just to mentally sick. She didnt have a clue about it; my condition. I would not respond to her and I couldn't talk to her. 6 months later; talking to God; I decided; OK Ill try it. I did; I talked with her a few times. I asked her to write a little rap song with me. Ill write the music she can help with the lyrics; never happened; she didnt take it seriously. I guess she wanted a real man who would ask her out. Well; I didnt take her seriously for not helping me write a rap song; obviously she didnt want to spend time with me. So; I decided not to spend time with her.... She was part of a bigger exercise of taking people outside and talking too them after meetings; my way of starting a bigger movement of practice to over come dissociative disorder. I talked to allot of people including her; and I talk to them twice; as I talked to her twice.
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God said; Move on. I was finished... I would not be getting involved with her anymore. my work with her was finished. It was short and sweet and got me to the next level and that was that. She was potentially my soulmate but something was wrong. Way wrong... I moved foward to the next level... This was the first time I actually took someone I genuinely liked; ask them out for something and talked with them; its a long story.
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I guess God knew her heart or behavior; she did not owner her own heart; evil. She did have a heart for me but it didnt mean much to her. God was trying to get me out of their. When I asked her to write a song with me; it was an opportunity to her to spend time with me because she liked to spend time with me; she did not seem to understand the concept; that is why I chose that specific concept in the first place. I wanted to see if she did really want to spend time with me; no conditions. The answer was no! So; my answer was Ghost! Bye...... And that polished off that situation.
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However, because at meetings I saw her all the time. I still thought about her; mean; I didnt like anyone else.. I liked her but their was nothing their; her behavior was evil... So; God was tryin to get me out of their. After awhile; in the summer; outdoor summer meetings in the park; I thought Id let my guard down; but; God never told me to. In fact; God has already stopped all that in May or the beginning of June. And I talked to her twice; 2 quick conversations and it was over; and that was that. And God said; Thats was That... I would wait on God for the next connection sign in life. I was moved on. But I didnt did that. I had my eye on her without Gods permission... And I got hurt and shocked by doing it; she was long gone. I had not responded to her for month. She finally gave up on me; tried to say Hi to me for the last time; I ignored her... She then moved on; I could tell it was the " Hi" from her; it was actually a goodbye. I knew that. She had spent to much time giving not only her interested to other men; but she was merriering them. And I watched this; and it was pathological. Thus; in confusion; didn't understand how this could be anything to me; this person. I mean; technically; how could this be a soulmate. but she showed signs of a soulmate and well; I ignored her.. I did not trust her... I was 2 out of it for the first several months. At different times she would check out others guys then come back to me and say HI; I would ignore her. she would never reflect on what she did.
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After having a few conversations with her; that was important because God said " thats it"; Its time to move on...
Trauma city seeing her getting courted in the summer meetings; I got harmed; injured trauma wise; deeply; it shocked me. It disgusted me. It harmed me. This is why I was not suppose to associate with her anymore because of things like this.
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Technically I did to her what I did to the previous women; I ignored them completely when they first liked me; it was 2 much for me to have a best friend; it triggered to much of my past life that was closed off to me and all the false friends I lost and the grief of it all and the complete loss of relationships across the board. And here God is sending me new best friends and I went silent and froze up and could not move or comprehend what was happening that God was sending me Asian soulmate best friends. By the time I processed it or realized it; they were long gone. In some cased I tried to go back to them and get to know them; it was futile; they treated me like a weakling that could be manipulated; like a was a cat and they were the house owner with string. It was heart breaking for me because I really liked them at that point; maybe I could have a relationship with them; a real girlfriend. No go. I tried getting a number; they'd give me their numbers; but it was no good; they would never answer me....... I was ghosted.
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After this last fiasco in the park and all the pain of that; I changed; God was sending a message; No more soulmates from 12 step meetings... NO! if I wanted Asian soulmates; it would have to be out in the real world.
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So; here I am; Its been about 15 months since I met the girl who was in the park in the summer time. I met her in at the beginning of December 2019. I saw her in the park in the summer with that other guy; that was 8 months ago. ive been trying to get over her. Im finally getting somewhere. But its taken 15 months.. Ive had no there women like me. But then; ive not been around anyone else; ive been in my head and working on my recovery so I could come back to reality a bit so I could go out into the real world and meet people; meet women. Im getting somewhere; its slow process.
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As for being a women magnet; well; they still stare at me... Im shocked. but Im an old man now. I mean; those days are long past. And they did nothing for me; I was to withdrawn; mentally sick and shy introvert. When I finally learned how to ask someone out; as my mental health got better; suddenly; I could not perform. I would ask someone out; and not respond to them... I would ask women out; they would want sex; I would freeze up and leave and never take them home. And thus; I was hitting the bottom of my disfunction. And this has been going on for 5 years. Now; Im working on coming back out of that.
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So; for the first time; im starting rot work on coming back to being a responsive person. It will take time and work; but it looks like Im headed in the right direction; I am improving.
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The reality of now;
Right now is a hard hard time.
Im better then where I used to be
Im finally half way over that girl from the groups; Thank God; God has helped me with techniques to get over this one; she had some real hooks in me; hard to let go; as I said its been 15 months; and she was quite confusing for me. All of it. but its over technically and Im moving on and I dont go to the meetings she might go to and this has been going on for months. and will continue...
The reality is; Im moving away from the meetings. but do not have to many social outlets outside my apartment. So; I must work with God on what I want... And that door or expansion must open; it must open in my imagination.
So; Im caught between 2 worlds.
I have to start meditation; this helps me to align with my inner being...
As Ive mentioned; Im doing visualizations on re creating relationships; this is helping me move beyond the dysfunction of relationships that has been appearing for the last several years with women. I stopped trying to ask them out; stopped about 5 years ago; no more; I wasn't getting anywhere; I wasn't getting anywhere because I wouldn't follow through; not even with sex... confusing.
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So; The work is to start creating an outside world the way I want to join it. As a famous man once said; if I cant find an opportunity; create a door.....
So; I have to learn how to go out their in the world and do something.
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Im dealing with mental illness; PTSD from being bullied in High school and how to get over it; that is on my mind. Im not sure yet; Ill have to work with God on that; scary and painful.
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I could not follow through with relationships and then I could not ask anyone out anymore and I could not even follow through with sex; so; hopefully things will change; I have to see it in my head first.
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I'm right in the middle...
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The good news; enough work has been done to turn me back into a normal middle class guy who is adjusted to life again with the masses; but not yet; but I'm getting close. I dont have to be at odds with the world anymore; but Im not their completely yet; im in the middle. A very lonely place.
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I wanted to say about women; if you compare me to the computer nerd that never had a girlfriend or a date that doesn't think he attracts women and never had a girlfriend; well; technically; neither did I. Im the loneliest guy on the planet; I never got anywhere with women either nor had a girlfriend and I attracted the most beautiful women... It didnt matter; I didn't get anywhere anymore then the nerd behind the computer. In act; Im am the nerd behind the computer.
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What I wanted was a best friend that was faithful. And I was looking for her in the wrong group... So; Ill have to change and become someone from the group Im interested in dating from...
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its not to late for me. I still have time left; but I am getting old so. I have to just keep working with God and keep working on my recovery process.
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The goal is to stay out of the 12 step meetings; work with God and start planning a new set of experiences that will lead me to where I want to go in the real world.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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