So; Ive been able to pull women out and sit and talk. Ive done it several times; these are women that liked me and I could like them because I found them attractive and saw their heart was interested in mine. This is not easy. But a strange thing happened. I stopped... I could not go any further.
So; ive been ignoring people and women that I know completely and waiting on God for the next situation to open up for me to learn how to express my feelings for the next round; doesn't seem to be with the same people I was pulling outside onto the steps and talking to. I just isn't. it all stopped like a rock. It was like a sign from God; this segment is over; time to move on...
.
Now; Im working on writing about what I want next; it seems to be open conversations with women I could date; that feeling that they like me I like them but Im just talking to them. We are talking to each other; its more like a coffee date; something between a coffee date and just sitting on the steps for a few minutes and getting to know someone. This is also about trusting God and getting inline with myself my inner being and the universe.
.
Here is another concept; "no expectations"; its beginning to happen; if I say to you; I want a girlfriend in my life to be like my mother and walk me down to the art co op so I can talk to the owners and show them my Art; can this happen?; if I want it bad enough; why not do everything I can to make it happen because no one owes me anything anyway! They dont owe me anything. What do I want; no expectations; can this happen; well; Ill try and see if I cant make it happen. I used to get bent out of shape about making things happen. now Im a lot more freed up. Its still scary but Im getting their; ive had enough love and training for it. I am leaving everything and everyone behind again and starting over..
.
I would like a girl friend; how bad do I want one... no one owes me anything so Ill have to work at it... And that part of the world must open up for me if I want one... so; I have allot of preliminary work to do. Expressing myself around women in a specific way where no one owes me anything. Sell myself; be a salesman...
.
Something is wrong in the girlfriend department; it goes way way back and has something to do with dissociative disorder; her is a figurative example; women gets sexually abused over n over n over until she can no longer be in a bed; cant; or possibly a bed room ever again because of dissociative disorder.
.
In my case; I may never be able to be in a relationship because of the raping of my personality over n over n over; the torturing of it over n over over until Im no longer present.
.
I know of a women that has liked me; like the others I got close and blew her off. This time I was really closer but stopped. I did not ask her out or go any further because I was practicing social skills.. The next move for me would be to ask someone out that I liked. But Im dissociated from that. I could not go any further; it was like God stopped the whole thing; I got what I was suppose to get; a specific set of social interactions that Gave me more experience.
.
I believe the girl I liked or liked me; its a lost cause at this point like all the others before me.
.
A friend came up to me a few days ago and said; Ive known several women who were interested in you but they said you just went away. And he was right; I did go away. but he does not know why.
.
And Im doing it again because I dont trust the girl that likes me; its to easy for her to blow me off; walk away and take an interest in someone else; I really dont want to go through it. She did like me I could see it in her eyes and in her heart. But Im to freaked out by that. Maybe God will allow me to test her or see her again; but something big and horrible tells me to stay away from her; dont go their; its evil. No good can come from it. So; I run. I dont know tho... My nervous system won't allow anyone in.
.
.
So; I dont know. Ill keep working with God and getting closer with God. That women that liked me; would it bother her if I was not mental with trauma problems. Does she care either way; I dont think so.
As I write this I can see a problem; my past neighborhood; its all that I had; it was everything to me; where I lived; my home and my friends; and it was all taken from me in a split second and its all that matters to me... nothing else matters; women dont matter at all; only my past that I want back; but Ive noticed that when I attempt to get close to women I flash back to my original life and stay their and dissociate from the present.
.
Heres the deal; if God wants me to meet someone and be with someone Ill have to write about it and pray about it and meditate on it and she will show up. So fare; nothing....... I see a few women that possibly could like me but they like everyone; meaning; they like any guy that will give them attention and make them feel important... So; Im nothing to these women... and I never believe Im anything more; and I never will probably; I just dont believe it; even tho I saw it in her eyes.
.
I saw it in her eyes and her heart; I know she liked me; but for how long before she writes me off like the rest; how long will it last. thats why I dont get involved. They sum me up after being around me and find me weak and lacking and they change their status toward me; see me with lower status to the point that Im just a weakling; harmless and pathetic; And that is why I test them first; Im pushing to see how long it will take for them to fall into that way of thinking; when they do Im gone. And it happens almost every time... To bad; not one women has been interested in going the extra mile to find out why I am the way I am; and until they take the time to understand me; I have no interest in them; nothing.
.
I do follow God and God uses them for my better social development.
.
My friend said I need a girlfriend its not normal not to have one. But he does not understand; he really doesn't know me. I have dissociative disorder and he does not understand that.
.
I have gained much experience from this last human interactions with specific people. And Im moving on; I think the girl is a bygone product... She is no more within my heart and soul; just a memory and Im moving on now to newer things. She is already passed tense; Ill never see her again or ever really talk to her ever again; and I dont think she has the depth to really care. I give these women a chance; they always blow it; non of them seem to understand they are being tested; Ive got to make sure they are safe; non of them are it seems... 2 faced and shallow; nothing new..... I guess its ok for someone else but not for me. its not safe to me.
.
I judge people on their behavior not on how they feel about me. Id much rather have a women understand me than love me... Im sick of people loving me.... I dont want love from them because its fleeting and they change their minds and change when the wind blows in a new direction.
.
I do want someone to love me; but their not loving me for the right reasons; soon when they get a big head; they give up on me and write me off with contempt as if they were wrong about me and I was not who they thought I was and they made a big mistake they will shove under the table and leave it at that and remember me no more and in my place go out with someone really worthy who in reality is much less deep then me but easier; more accessible.
.
I dont know. Im dissociative and I dissociate from getting into relationships; I freeze up; but when I freeze up around a girl every time I see her or am in the same room with her; soon; I wonder if maybe Im not suppose to be with that person; I just want to move on; gives me the impression that I was suppose to get some interactions with her and I did and now its time to move on.
.
its not easy to start over with no expectations. but its possible. in any situation; No one owes me anything; nothing. zero. so; what do I want.
.
Lets say I want to make some art and put it up on an art gallery; small towns still have such autities. I would make some art; take it down to the art gallery and show the owner and see what they think. It would be scary for me to walk down their all alone; past abandonment; and thats OK; and Id have a girlfriend who would be my wing girl; she would be my helper and help me. God would send such a person to me to help.
.
and no one owes me anything; Im not God I have to do the work; id be going to 12 step meetings for support,
.
Lets talk about something more gruesome; a girlfriend and all the horror it entails to meet someone that will take me deadly seriously for who I am; not an easy task; but does someone who me something; No! So; lots of work involved in meeting people. Ill learn to have no expectations because Im starting over at the bottom level. Thats not even the right statement; something even more base then that would fit.