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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1062)
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- July 2020
Moving forward and dealing with a narc
   Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm
more topic posts from other sites
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm
Something happened on line with a comment
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm
Trust
   Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

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Next social level is revealed to me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:55 pm

Im now remembering my childhood; not all of it; but allot of things and allot of the house I came from and my bedroom and things. And Im remembering what it was like being in my bedroom and what I did and day dreaming and being me and dreaming and thinking about my future. And so; my identity is getting stronger.
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Ive scarified allot in order to get my identity back; I never thought I would ever get this far.
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Im at a lot of meetings; as I slowly learn to define my space and social position in those meetings; I realized something today. As I get stronger and more solid; would it be possible to feel that solidness anywhere? Could I get to a place where I feel safe all day long no matter where I go.
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Could I practice feelings safe and whole at other places besides a 12 step meeting. its the first time ive felt this way since being a child; but then Ive not had my memories either. And this would be the first time I attempted to take self out of the meetings and apply somewhere else as the real me; feeling self empowerment; being present; being the higher level character self; Being me other places besides meetings.
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Could I learn to be my free self with confidence anywhere. if so; why would I have to go back to meetings.... That is what Im working toward; this idea of looking at that world as a place I can be and feel safe; at specific places. This is something for me to work toward.
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IT hit me today; all of this. It starts in my apartment. I then is practiced at meetings and then Ill take it other places. Its about feeling good inside and being me in other places; conferrable in other places. Not freaked or needy or hyper vigilant.... This is truly a break through for me; The idea. Because if I can pull it off; why would I have to go to meetings to share and be myself if I could do it anywhere... possibly I would look for more sophisticated places to be myself.
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The general public is still rude and crude concerning my condition; meaning; when Im practicing social; they want to slam me down verbally, verbally put me in my place; keep me in a holding patter. hopefully I will mature out of all this and move on to better things; but thats through experience.
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The point is; Im trying to do trauma work in places not set up for sensitive victims of trauma; and that can be dangerous and like walking a tight rope;. Ive have numerous mistakes and altho its an art form; Ive had the paint plashed in my face many times and violently at times; verbally and physically; so; its like a balancing act in these places with the general public who would not appreciate my condition; would not have a clue.
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So; Im not back yet; meaning; my full personality where I feel good and developing and safe; with this; Ill have to take it up with the universe to get me to the right people and places and things. And I would like to feel safe where I live; Ill take it up with the universe. The problem is; when I felt safe; it was for a few years when very young. And Im not in that house anymore; I get triggered when I feel safe because I want to go home and can't go home to that house when I was young. I can in my imagination; and God has given me that. hopefully I can bring up the rest of my memories in imagination from that good time period and start building a deeper identity and become me again.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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