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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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New Directions

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 24, 2017 6:31 am

So, as I get better, I have to remember that when I was fully dissociative, I was protected! you could hit me with a 2 by 4 and would not feel a thing accept rage or electrical shock; I was so incased within myself beyond numbed out protective walls! How soon I forget who Im dealing with at times! As I wake up, many people are appearing rude! They are appearing worse then rude; and I have to wake up and deal with them! Im learning, I dont have to deal with them; I have to remember, Im an adult and I can ask God for help, to receive assistance in finding people and places and things better suited to the better new me! The old places of recovery working working at times; these places can attract jokers and not people serious about their recovery! Im not suggesting these rooms are all filled with players; but players come n go and it puts a negative spin on things! I have to remember to stop playing the working; I dont have to be a victim anymore! I have to learn how to not be one; I have the choice today!
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Looking forward to recovery breakthroughs! Im getting close to being free or the first segments of freedom concerning dissociative disorder and my inability to get physically close to people! I tell people about my victimhood over n over; exposer therapy! seems to be victim; its very slow!
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Opening up to other people; to women! ITs not easy, not at all! it takes pure fear; Im so worried that Im not enough; that I will be laughed at and dismissed!
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walking up to women; I feel like such a victim! I give all my power away as if they are all worthless and ready to attack! this wont work if your interested in finding relationships because it wont work! I have to open up; take more chances around women; im more scared then they are! Im not sure why I got a grudge against them or a chip on my shoulder about them! I dont think its real; but Im trying everything I can to make it real and keep that chip; and its not working! I think its fear and being un-comfortable! I dont trust women; I never have! for good reason! but what about the women I can trust! Thats the problem; it takes courage to step out and find them! It really does! its a scary deal; Ive made mistakes with people in my life; big ones! when young; everything was wrong! I was being manipulated and never knew it! and hated by everything and everyone around me and never knew it! I was led to believe I was in a safe life and a safe house with a safe experience; nothing could have been further from the truth! soon I would be thrown out or given away! So, I trust no one! Thats the old story!
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The new story is; I do trust people and I do give them a chance and Im working with the Universe and God to be around the right people! and I cant give up on this desire! and I wont; I have to keep fighting for it that much more; their is sadness and pain surrounding this desire; but I not dropping the desire; Im dropping the sadness and the pain; However, this will take time and work!
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The goal is a social break through! Im looking to break through from the C-PTSD controlling me and triggering me when up to close to people; the way Im fixing this now; take chances up close with people and see what happens! I have to get used to people again up close; and trusting people up close!
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Expectations are resentments looking to happen! when I dont expect anything from someone, Im not hurt when things dont work out! so; I have to really look at why, in some situations, I allow myself to have expectation of people I know cant live up to my standards!
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I was born into abusers! and I have to remember that feel safe around unsafe people; and I get what I get when Im around unsafe people!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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