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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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new directions and new discoveries and beginnings wa

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 30, 2019 10:35 pm

Ive been dealing with bulling lately; and Im not winning; Im getting intimated much the way I did when I was 13. I still cant deal with bulling nor stand up to those bulling me; hopefully God will show me how to stand up for myself. This reminds me of sexual abuse I went through from 11 to 13. I could not stand up for myself because I was confused and to young to understand that their would be no one looking out for my life; instead, people would be crushing it and destroying my life; I was not prepared to be destroyed.
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Developmental age; thats what Im attempting to have God help me develop into; I was just at the pet store with a friend; and I saw the animals; I never had an animal of my own; I never went through that age; it was ripped away from me; and I was not awake at that age; I was in a state of abuse and abuse before that and no one on my side when going through that abuse.
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One confrontation with a bully lately scared me so much Im still shaken; I did not want to go through this anymore; but I don't know how to defend myself so; everything gets repeated over n over n over.
I end up attracting more bullies that I can learn to yell out and defend myself for the very first time; Im scared to move forward; I have no one from my past; no house to continue the growing in; Im old and on my own now. but Im still young inside; to young and not developed. So; it scares me.
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Anyway; I was at the pet store and saw he animals and would like to grow into that age where I get my first pet; that age of development; not sure, but its during the developmental time period; 8 to 12. And those are bad years; especially 12 and 13 and on ward.
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So; I have to create new stories for myself that I want different this time; bullying however, continues to show up and thwart my efforts.
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I have to do the work to move forward with what I want..
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I have to move forward and keep at it until I move into what I want; a gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; the next level. So; I have to get honest about it and keep working at it.
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Im not a tough guy; Im expressively sensitive but I was forced to become hardened to survive; and I don't want that anymore; I don't want to be triggered anymore by bad people; I want to walk away; not be attracted to dance with them; i want to move on and move forward. I have to keep working with the universe on this; write new stories about all this ending up in my favor.
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This is a hard time for me right now; I don't know how to act without being abused; its the only thing I know how to do; and I end up attracting people that like to abuse me; and when they do; I get scared and take a meek subordinate position; the way I did when I was being sexually abused.
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ITs very important that I keep writing about all this and writing new stories as if ive lived a year in another better life; and keep writing them. Im writing stories as if Ive all ready lived them; the goal is to create so many new stories that the resistance falls down and I can easily move forward into the next level of development for my life.
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The fear and terror of the past has got me in a holding pattern.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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