April 2024
March 2024
Concerning my first love; Mistake. Not my first love.
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His the new story;
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God put in my heart what I had asked for; I asked for love so the universe created love within my soul and heart; but it was created by God. It was for something that was also from God... It was to be sent to someone who was calling from God...
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My first love said I meant nothing to her; Thus meaning; convenience loyalty; Heres the deal; anyone that would use that type of language to assault or insult anyone let alone someone sent from God; This is not the right person for me; This is not right. But more importantly; this is not a God person. This is not human; not normal; not right. This is anti Christ... This is evil; pure evil. So who was it I was dealing with.
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RED FLAGS'. So; God sent emotions through me; but to who was it suppose to be given. Its hard for me to say this; But it was not to this person... Their were red flags all over the place. And thus; a detour; I was not to go up to that house. Ill make it clear; She never came to mine and I did not meet her; she did not come up to me; I went to her... I was not suppose to. meaning; red flags occurred long before this...
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When I did meet her; I lied to her about who I was... another red flag; She allowed me to get near her based on a false front on my part; what if I had been my boring self; would she have taken any interest; No! I do not believe so. This is one more reason that Ive learned some things; The energy sent me from God was never connected to the right place... It never had a chance; I mean; a church; a decent fellowship of people; where was I suppose to go; I dont know. It would have been a place of God... I would have met people at that place. Thats where I was suppose to be... It was a detour concerning that girls house... A big big detour; I was not suppose to go that direction; it was closed... it was never opened. And I mean that; it was not open. It was shut from the start.. no opening. So what happened?
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This girl was looking for a sociopathic alpha male. She had already had experience with guys... She was looking for a Jock... She was not looking for me. I literally meant nothing to her from the very beginning because I was not suppose to be their in the first place; she was never suppose to be around me in the first place or anyone like her; So; why was she around me. It was not her fault; it came from my end. I pursued her for no good reason. Nothing; This person was a stranger; nothing more.. And took advantage of this. This was not my friend. Nor anyones friend. And could not be someones friend ever; more sociopath then anything else. But I did not see it at first.. Im mad about that; but this would not be the first time this has happened. It happened from the beginning of my life. this mistake.
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Heres the deal; I was looking to go anywhere away from the house I lived in. So; going up to someone elses house would help... And that desperation was part of this but the problem was; I needed to end up in a church and some how do good in school. but that was impossible to do anything at that time.
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The problem is; I was seduced... manipulated; manipulated in the sense that she did not act interested; I chased her... gave her attention and she responded to it; but she never went out of her way to take any interest in me... I did all the work...
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I wanted to be someone; I wanted to be loved; I wanted a family; I wanted status. I wanted allot of things... but going to this stranger for these things was not right. It was the wrong direction and I had no one to talk to or work through things... I got destroyed; I put all my eggs in one basket and tried to make this person into someone and something they were not... And I have to stay awake right now and keep going so I can let go of this image of this person; there was no real image of this person; only the one she had to have in order for her to her what I needed her to be... their was no nice or non nice person here; just my fantasy of what I needed her to be. The problem is; its so strong and solid in me; this fake persona I created of her because it hides my true motives; I was trying to hide from everything else. I needed a place to hide. I was scared and needed as place to go.
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I made this girl into something she was not; she was not even as friend of mine. She was a stranger... She was not sincere or real. I mean; she was a means to an end... I was manipulated and thrown away... I got used...
Im not sure where or why the love part came about. Not sure,... soulmate maybe; No!@. could not have been.
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She was not sent by God... I was not suppose to go that direction... So what direction was I suppose to go... Im starting to understand now; I was to stay with God and work with God. And see what came from God in direction. I was not suppose to go up to someones house or down to the river... and Im starting to see that. She was just a stranger nothing more.
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I did not follow through with her; I had no experience with young women at that time. She had had lots of experience at that time; I was out of place being their... completely out of place. As I said; I put on a false front; it made it look like I was some kind of alpha male at first; I was not. I was nothing. I was just a lost kid; nothing more.. And that was not good enough for people like this girl. If I had been myself I would have never been invited up around her in the first place; I was not the kind of person she was looking for or interested in. Its 2 bad.... I mean... to bad I ever ventured in that direction in the first place. Ive got to keep working on this and working through the false memories Im trying to hold on to that would keep her memories intact with me.
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I wanted status and an identity and being with her would have given that to me; it would have boosted my low self image and low self esteem and confidence. The problem was; what happens if shes not their; who am I! And this says a great deal about why I continued to pursue her anyway in the face of caution; and it costed me... I was burned severely; destroyed.
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Im passive; and people pleaser; but the idea was; I would be this way to get to the next level; but that next level never came.. Ive been this way.. not fighting back; staying covert in the meetings I go to. Staying under raps and learning. Getting bugged by some people.
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So; Im not sure Im sincere at all; Im not; Im like tri- faced; Im a chameleon. What to do about it. Ill pray about it; and hope or work with God on a daily basis that I can get inline with my own values... I guess.
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How do I do that; or this. How... Im not sure where I fit in or who I am or where I am or anything I AM; of course I have dissociative disorder; so I dont know who I am. I mean; I know who I used to be when 8; but where do I fit in now; Ill throw all of this stuff out their to God. Im at that point and hitting a wall..
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Im getting nervous about all of it... or am I; Im in a past dream world of what all things were suppose to be like; but I am at that point where Im dealing with this; right now; the beginning of it; its like a giant wave of massive past informations of a tsunami level; overwhelming... gigantic.. and Im not connected to any of it; its just flying around in the center of bi ways of my brain mind... like a flow through veins; information instead of blood...
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SO; Im their.. but what does there mean. Im still homeless material; I still have learned helplessness and Im directionless. Meaning; I dont know who to associate with; not sure... the meetings; the meeting people. Dont know anyone else. Not connected to anything else.. dont know...
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Can I make progress in this area; I dont know; Ill keep reaching out to God for help. I see my brothers face in mine; in my mind when I write this stuff; My brother is with me.. So; I dont know... Ive got massive amounts of stuff from the past that knocks me out dissociatively speaking; so! Ill see... I dont know; and my self esteem or worth or confidence doesn't exist with CPTSD.... Just doesn't....
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