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Consumer 6
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- July 2021
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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Never being loved

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:12 pm

Never being loved; I was bitterly and brutally hated by the people and communities I lived in; and I still am. Im understanding that people that are well adjusted in society felt loved from their families. What about us who never felt anything but real fear.
As I move forward with my life away from the past; learning how to move away from the past; Im looking back in horror. I remember as a small child different time periods of feeling safe when I was safely away from the family system or house I lived in; meaning; Im at the neighbors house playing with their kids and watching their tv shows and dreaming about my future; but now; I can look back and feel what I was feeling; I could not feel what I was feeling as a little boy.
When I was a boy; I as feeling relief when I got away from the house I was living in and got out into the neighborhood and started making things happen for myself. I never understood; that was not normal. Now; I can look back and feel what I was really feeling; and it was a sense of fear and evil for the house I was living in. A real fear.... I can feel it now. I had no safe place to go; nothing.
I can feel it now; the hatred or horror of where I was living; I buried it in a special way that a child can bury things to survive. It wasn't buried; but it was; I wasn't feeing it; it was all around me; these feelings of terror but now I have a name on it.
Looking back; it was pure evil.
I can now feel it; Im looking at it from a point of view from a distance; from someone else house as a child; Im allowing myself to feel it right now... And I can feel what I was really feeling; the terror. and real horror or fear of that place. And now this makes all the sense in the world. I was not loved.
Im learning how to create a new family in my head as if I was loved. I used to do this when watching shows and movies on television. I used to feel this sense of being something when I felt I was somewhere else or had a future waiting for me; the kind of future I saw in movies; but soon; that was all I had; I had nothing else; I was being drown in the pain of trauma; and looking back; I was running out of options; I had no place to go; as I realized more n more something was wrong with where I lived; and I thought something was wrong with me that it was harder and harder to survive. I was not really loved by anyone. And soon; at the age of 7; I began to realize this; and by the time I was 10; I unfortunately understood it; and soon my life would be chopped down into nothing and I would be thrown away for good.
Today; Im learning to imagine that I have a new mother and father and brothers and house and I was loved. So; today Im working on imagining and writing stories as if Im loved; and I believe I did this as a small child; did it naturally to survive; I mean; every kids show said I was loved by my mother and father and relatives and brothers and sisters and communities and schools and teachers n such. the reality was; no one loved me anywhere. and could care less about my survival. I spent my whole life looking for relief when young; and that relief was drying up. the world was slowly coming in on me like a tsunami; and I was drowning with in it.
I was never loved.
I work on transplanting a new set of parents in my mind. And this is work; Its real work; the kind a soldier has to do in a battle fiend. and I get it; if I think Im loved by my mother and father and sisters and brother; and really believe it; I will be happy and fit into society allot better; in fact; I believed this when young; what stopped me when young? IT seems at one point; the only one telling me I was loved was the television set; the rest of the world where I sought relief; they all failed to make the grade; I did not feel any love from the school system I was attending; In fact, it was a joke and several of the teachers were monsters. The principle was no different. Non of them were anything but weirdos... filth.... Not all of them; many of them; I did not understand; I was not of the middle class; I was form the trauma class.... And the trauma people like me were being exposed and genocided out of the school system; We were not wanted. I was a very sensitive kid and expected a great future; I did not know I was in a biased school; I learned very quickly; no one cared about my education; no one; I was a throw away before I started. I was on the outside hanging out; I had no friends; maybe a few kids; but more n more I was creating a glass shell between me and the world; and I could not control it; it was implanted by God to protect me...
The places I wanted to seek relief as a young child; they were all drying up and not helping me succeed; they were actually going in the opposite direction; and soon I would be thrown away from the house I lived in and destroyed.
so; who was loving me; no one; only the television was telling me this; And at some point I stopped believing the television.
However, I am a believer in what I learned when very young; that I was convinced I was loved and thus felt safe or safer.
I just thought about it; whats wrong with a women wanting me to love her; I get mad because all I want is to tie her up and use her body for my pleasure and Im mad that she wants anything less or anything else; *mod edit*
The point is; I cant love her or want love her. why? and why wont I follow through; i dont trust her; she will be like my mom and set me up to take a fall. and the child in me doesn't want anymore sorrow from that. but I wont love her; why; because I dont believe it can happen; could it be possible I could love again and be back in the middle class again; is that possible. could I love again.
I mean; I want to use her body and have hot porn like sex with that body. and the things I would do to that body. But is their more? Could I love her. could I allow myself to love her..
Could I allow love; thats up to me to allow myself to love someone. I mean; its not about her; its about me; and thats where the excitement is.

In the 12 step groups I go to; I go for relief; its a 2 headed sward; its not safe; one has to watch it; you dont know who's coming through the door. I hate that its the only place I can find relief. I would like relief in the community; but I have no idea where to go.
The normee's of the world are not giving me relief; they are foolish; the wisdom they live by; not real. I would hate to be them in the end; they are not prepared for death; they live in a dream world.
It is better to believe I am loved and loved by a family; that is the number one key to life. Yes; its hard for people like myself so; I better get to work; and it makes me puke when I think about it and feel it; that I have to go back into that morbid place of family and try to turn my feelings around concerning it; I was thrown away from it like a dog; I was used because I was innocent; and then suddenly thrown away and that was that. So; how am I suppose to look at " family". However, I want my recovery and must keep at it.
Also, was forced into other family systems where I was abused; at least 4 of them; and I was used like a scape goat. so; this is hard and overwhelming to deal with. I have to work through each situation to be free of it. Its a horrific nightmare to ask anyone to go through what I went through and try to turn it around so i can feel normal; for I never got to go back to anything; I was robbed all my life; but if I dont turn this thing around and get on the other side of it and work through the trauma; Ill continue to be robbed for the rest of my life; and thats the way it rolls.
So; Ive got this deeper side of revenge and hatred that Im working through; the overwhelming waring part of myself that wants to attack and fight back against the thoughts I have of what happened to me; its to overwhelming. However, Im working to understand thats PTSD; I'm here now; and that was then; but that quick answer doesn't fix any of this.
So; I understand I have to go back in and forgive everything and everyone and believe i was loved the whole time by them or an outside source. And I mean it; I have to convince myself that I was always loved or being loved regardless. and I think I can pull this off. I know their will be sections of this that are overwhelming; like being in an oven with the heat turned up to a scorching level. However, Ill have to deal with it.
What Im saying is; I ran out of options when young; my places of relief and escape were slowly drying away until their was no more escape; and the house I lived in was taken a way as well. And I had nothing; no place to hide and the people who did this got away with it. But looking at the people who did it; I will allow myself to feel this pain and understand that I know where these people were coming from; I know the people that abused them and turned them into psychopaths. I was damaged first hand by those people that hurt them. So; I know the horrors of it; the grinding hatred and torture.
The best plan is to get over my hatred; go back and imagine a new life; write stories of a new life; write so many that I feel safe; and start having gratitude for what I have. But understand; these are advanced concepts for a person thats been in the recovery process for 25 years; and this last 25 years has been a thick strong developing and forging recovery; I would not ask those that have fallen to do anything of this; not where their minds are gone. Im not an animal; I know what its like to be destroyed. And Im so very sorry I know.
I truly believe their is a way out; and I may have found it; if I can believe Ive was loved when younger; and I have to try and rebuild those old stories and work with the universe for such things. Im trying to feel safe so I can be present.
As long as I dont know if I was safe when I was young; I will constantly go back and relive it; and focus on it; making me unsafe now because Im not focusing on now.
Could I love again; I can; would I; would I take the chance; If I loved a girl I could use her body and love her. I could have the best of both worlds.
If I love a girl; Hmmmm?
Ive had plenty of girls I could love; I mean; they wanted to be loved; I wanted to use their bodies; they would have let me; but they were attached to those bodies; and thats a sorrowful thing because them I couldn't use those bodies for my pleasure; but thats not true; I was 2 chicken to tell them I wanted to use those bodies for my pleasure; and Im not sure why; I guess telling them this would be me bringing my feelings out into the open ; and exposing those feelings would be vulnerability; and that would scare me. really frighten me....
Im frightened that I was no in control; I could use this women body for my pleasure and then she could leave in the morning and I would be left alone; and it would assumed I could handle that; I mean; I'm the one playing. But; could I handle that; and am I that kind of bloke. No Im not; In reality; Im a nice guy who wanted a nice girl to love; but that person has become dissociated from me and needs to come back into integration; I must integrate that child back into me. And I think that is happening; and Im getting stronger and I'm remembering that childs memories; their starting to come back; but its hard work not to dissociate; and be that child; Ill have to want this very badly to go through this again. I hated that child because of all the pain that child put us through. We being the group; us personalities. And it seems we are at the end of the rope of abusers and they control us out of fear; they are larger then life; we are at the end of their mercy.
So; to bring that child back into us; is murder of us. but we want the child back in us because of the love of life that personalty had for life. And we miss that dearly; more then anything else in the world and I think its possible. I do.
the abusers hated Omnicell so we hate Omnicell. And part of us wants to love Omnicell and bring him back into the fold again so we can be us; but Omnicell saw bad things; so we split into.... he went through bad things; he had no way out for long periods of time; way over long periods of time; for all his life was ruined. He went away and we appeared that we can survive. He experienced things; we saw him experience things; he was like a tv movie; we watched from outside the house; outside the window; we were in the yard while he was going through it in the house. And now we are allowed to see it and feel it; for he is coming present and we are seeing it through his eyes for we are all one and the same kind of; at least thats what we are told.
So; integration is starting in ways I never thought possible; we never thought possible.
Im feeling again; Im integrating as I write; its very strange; dreamy and magical; Im feeling me again; he is entering my body... he is inside my body swimming around trying to come up from my stomach into my brain; he is in my brain reliving things and Im in owe and wonder of feeling these things again; and they are wondrous things Im feeling as they integrate back into me; He is in my stomach and my brain. Now he must go into my legs and arms; for my legs and arms and chest are where the soldier is; and he must take over; Brian must take over....
But could I love. yes; I can think of several girls I could love and be with; they wanted me and wanted to be loved. why didnt I do it. that will be another blog....
I think I need Omnicell present to love. Omnicell is not present for love; he is behind the merrier... He must be present for anything to happen; so; alignment is happening. I will continue to work with God on this.
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Jul 23, 2019 5:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: explicit detail

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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