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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Needing my mothers permission

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm

I never had a mother; I assumed when I got older; my mother would be their to support me and this was my greatest downfall; and I thought I would have a father; and that was a complete mistake; their was no one; including no school or friends that were real that cared about me; nothing.
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I was completely alone. I did not know how to function completely alone with nothing; no support as a child.
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Im living on fumes; you might say. Like a gas tank out of gas in the middle of know where; what do you do.
Now Im in a position to attempt to bring back self; how; Im stuck at that tender age I was destroyed; but I continue to be frustrated to be that immature; it is an age before girlfriends and money and work and talents; Its a developmental time period; and Im not sure how to develop. Im the same child that had no development and now; as I wake up; what now; what do I do; Im getting hit with bullies again. Im trying to trust the universe and its all repeating as it did when I was a child.
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I feel like I have to be trained or I can see this is a difficult period; A giant gap exists and it hurts like crazy; and I get pulled into the dark and stuck...
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I never had a mother so I missed that love you would get to support my ambitions; and I fell through the world; I was 2 young; it was pure abuse; the question now is; what do I do now. And I know the area is; pathways that lead to the next level; it is so dam painful because Im moving through the development area of needing or having to have a mother. so; the development area has to be gone through to a plato I feel safe; a place beyond where Im at and bullies; I have to get past bullies and I dont know how.
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So; I have to open up pathways to go beyond the limited limits drowning me... its horrible; its like resentments that keep getting of at the 13 floor and I cant go beyond because I cant deal with the pain. Im still dissociative...
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So; this is going to be painful. All of this; Im trapped; when I attempt to go beyond; I see my mothers face telling me its all for someone better then me and I wont amount to anyone because Im not good enough. I have to get over someone talking to me this way; its sickening. And Im not over it; the 6 year old in me still feels this. And I have to go beyond 6 years old; and Im not sure how...
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The problem is being alone and needing support; and Im mad because I would like a wife that is supportive and some how I have to work up to that and maybe now that is happening because Im asking for it; And as for the Asian soulmate; I put in to much work for that and was led by my inner being and I dont understand.... But I have to get to a place.
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Music; are? I dont know; science and mathematics; I dont know; Im so ######6 frustrated by everything...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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