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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (955)
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- July 2019
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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neediness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 26, 2019 10:41 am

I am needy. no question about it; I need attention; I need love; Im trying to transfer it to the universe; get my love and attention from the universe; its hard to trust the universe; where was the universe when I was a boy; I seriously do not understand; Im not stupid; I don't care about facts or wisdom; where was the universe and why wasn’t I saved; I don't get it.
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I was taught to trust nothing; love nothing; thats whats happened. I was never given a break. Other people could make mistakes and come back and get more; not me; any mistakes I make and Im out permanently. I guess I had no value or status; nothing.
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At first I was taught to trust everything; and then I had everything destroyed out from under me. I was surrounded by losers and they took advantage of me and ate me alive; destroyed me; trampled me under their feet; turned and tore me to pieces.
Im going crazy right now; Im around all the wrong people as I get stronger but have nowhere to go; Im trapped in this little apartment; I don't have any friends and nowhere to go; I just don't; I go to meetings; thats it; Im trying to learn to graduate from it; but where do I go. Im not working anywhere and have no money; so; Im working with the universe to get more money; or a better life or plan but nothing has shown up. I don't get it. I report as it is. Im working with the universe;; hopefully the universe will snap in and get me the things I asked for. Im not sure why its taking so long.
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One of the problems is belief; I don't trust anything or anyone; nothing; I see through everything; I dont want any of it because I have little of a home base that is safe.
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Why cant I have a house like everyone else. or a career like everyone else; everything has been taken from me as is. So, Im working with the universe to change this; but the universe is not showing up; and I dont get it. its like a f_cking cat n mouse game with the universe.
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I have to learn to believe in what I want; Im trying to work with the universe when I dont want to; I dont trust the universe anymore then I trust the bankers in this country that are destroying the place. I see them as the same thing and on the same side.
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I dont like working with the universe; I consider the universe 2 sided; 2 faced. Yet, I have to learn how to work with the universe; I expect the universe to show up with what I want; if it doesn’t; the child in me goes back into the corner and gives up again; and this happens over n over n over n over.
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When things go wrong in the outside world; I blame the universe; and I will continue to blame the universe; for Im having to trust the universe to send me to the right places for my needs; but they never get met; I just wanted to be around nice people. or work my way into nice people.
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If the universe does not match up or give me what I want and ask for; I report it here and give the universe a bad name until it flies strait. The universe gets out of line and has to be put back inline.
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Why the universe does not help its people; I do not know.
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I will continue to work on all of this. and I do. I am getting stronger with no place to go.
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I feel like a guy thats being bullied; and I resist but have no escape rout; nothing; Im not connected to anything, so; theirs no place to go; my backs against the wall because I cant jump ship to another ship; I dont know what other ship to jump to. I dont know.
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The places I go are not safe; the recovery rooms Im in; they get corrupted. Im not sure what to do.
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I hate not having enough money for a car; I dont get it; Im working with the universe; I dont want to go through the winter again with no car. Why isn’t the universe showing up. How can I keep trusting a universe that does not show up.
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I know that I have to believe more; but how can I believe more in a universe that is not showing up with the money. I have to believe the universe will show up with the money first before it shows up; how do I do this; Im suppose to believe first then Ill see it; but how can I; I must learn to trust the universe; and thats where I have pain; the child in me drops dead; drops over and cringes and hides and wonders when more betrayal and abuse will start; when the universe will start abusing me. I do not consider any of the abusive people that destroyed me when young; I do not consider them at fault; they were simply
minions of the universe; doing the universes deeds. So Im wondering; whats next; what else is the universe going to do to me when I attempt to ask for things or ask for help; Now what do I do; where do I turn. Whats the point of all this; I don't get it.
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So; I have to learn to trust the universe; and how do I do this.
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I have to learn to believe; and this is going to take some discipline; and slowly let go of the physical people and places and things Ive turned to for love; for Im abused at those places at times; sometimes to the point that I don't ever want to go back; my rights taken from me by people of no respect.
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So; I know what I have to do; its hard but I can do this because its about discipline and possibly this process of getting more disciplined will help me become more solid; Im thinking it will; as no one owes me anything; and so Ill have to work through this; that someone owes me something and take on my task as a challenge; not look at it like someone’s victimizing me. I have to work through the victimization.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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