Had no brother or best friend or parents for the next developmental move when young; Thus I could not follow through with the girl. The only support I had were a a group of hostile people toward me that hated me; strangers I was forced to live with who had turned against me before I had met them; and a sadistic psychopath who master minded the hatred against me in the first place; who put me into a position of helplessness where I could be destroyed.... And then I met a girl and I was suppose to be able to show and express affection.
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I had received no love or affection from the day I was born but didnt know it; I was always dreaming about it until dreams messed with my desires and I thought reality and my feelings and what I thought about were all the same... I was feeling from my fantasies; not reality... and did not know the difference at some point when young; all safety defensive mechanisms from my nervous system to keep me alive...
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Many things happening...
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I have to come down off the cross and live... thats whats happened; I hid on the cross for a long long time where it was safe. Now; Ive jumped down onto the ground next to the cross; under its; and Im standing... And I dont know how to live. It looks like im not going to die... Im alive.. Im living and ive come down off the cross. Now what.
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I have to learn how to work like everyone else; work at everything.. I dont know what to think...
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Ill work with God on these things...
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Ill her facing basic level fears that an overwhelmed child faces; thats where Im headed; that place of being all alone like a trapped animal; all I can do is dissociate; nothing more... it is their or before that I will be looking at; because before that I will gather myself belongings and head down a new direction away from that place that would have taken me down the ally way onto the holes...
Im not well; but Im not going to die; Im less dissociative; well; im more awake; stronger and with it the respond-ability to interact with everything is upon me; its something I must do... Im dealing directly with dissociation and dealing with the
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A thought implanted in mind. How do I know I want to spend time with women; I ask them out; talk to them friendly. I become friends with them; spending regular time with them. Im starting to Get it. But; in the past no one liked me; I thought they wanted to be friends with ne; I was wrong; I was being used. So; Im used too not being wanted by anyone; Ill have to ask
Good who im suppose to be with; what group ofd people..... I was hated and Im a decent portion; obviously I need to make better choices of whom I associate with.
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Its like its D Day; WW2; 156 thousand troops land on D Day on the French coasts... And they create a bulk head; a small city on the beach or inland; a city of; army city. And when established; They start the war from their; in France...
Im the same way.. Ive or am establishing a bulkhead and Im doing so or have done so; But just like the allied forces had to fight on to finish the war; it wasn't over; significant battles would be ahead...
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So; its possible to win this war; keep it up; Ive got plenty of scary battles that will test my metal coming up ahead of me. The goals are.. To play a guitar live/piano singing one of my songs and to have a girlfriend. Those 2 areas within my mind were only possible if I had come from the protected world I fist knew of when very very young... After being pulled out of my personal life'. nothing mattered anymore... I didnt care... I gave up. Now; Im fighting to regain. Is it possible; Yes.
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This will take some strange work; but Ive got God; and with God anything and all things are probable. Its the fear or terror or the reliving of fear and terror Im worried about...
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So; that is where Im at. Im in pain; part of me. But part of me is setting the street I lived on as a kid. Even tho I dont live their anymore... So; the child in me can some how see that its possible to regain my original memories.... my original self; hes not gone.. But the reality has been to painful to surface; its all impossible; I never knew or had any idea I was going to be pulled from my home and I never got it back. So; God is getting back all my memories and having me start over... I have to start over from about age 9; and I have to start over from about the age of 5-7 because altho I watched allot of Television and had plenty of ideas; no one was watching me... Nothing; and no love ever from the day I was born. I was being used or manipulated by my father for his own means... I thought it was attention he was giving me... Their was no father.... I didnt know? how could I!
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I was told by my father that he loved me... but he throw me away by the time I was 7; and on purpose because thats the age a child starts to reason and question....
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So; Im trying to get back my original life. Its possible; it is. But not yet... I have more work to do first become me; to get myself back again... Its possible... my original identity. Ive got the memories of that person...
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Ill have to keep working with God on all this stuff.