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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Need to keep writing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 02, 2014 1:39 am

Its important to keep writing and dumping stuff. I have no one to communicate with! It sucks, its the way it is. Ive learned to write blogs in the place of silence. Possibly at some time in the future I will be around the right people.

I went through so much #######4 trauma as a boy that was unneeded. I was being twisted around by a sociopath! I have to remember this. Its so sad to see the memories that are appearing in my head. And those memories are showing up; they are starting to show up. they are trying to piece together that I can have a life.

I have many broken worlds trying to come together. Its very hard. And many worlds are split into!

Im attempting to join fragments. ITs tuff. I have very little people to work with that care. Ive been alone all of my life. And I do not understand this. I am of quality yet, no one to associate with? why!

What kind of place do I live. What kind of place is this? Does the quality of a person matter. I guess not! However, Im heading in this direction; the right direction!

Quality people! that is what I need. Im not sure what that looks like or where I find it.

Ive been around people that have tried to destroy me! did not care if they ever saw me again! I would like this not to happen again. I would like to be around decent people!

First I have to wake up as a person! I have to get my life back! How do I do this!

Im somewhere in the middle of things...

Im trying to reconnect with self! its all very hard!

This is hard work; lonely work; necessary if I am to survive or get back on my feat. And I think that might be possible, but it is going to be devastating hurt. I lost everything and everyone!

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I have a bottle neck; this is the dissociative area. When young I went to sleep! It was the only way. Im going to wake this up again! and come out of this coma! open up the bottle neck that has the younger me inclosed in it! Its like being in a womb. A womb of a protective source created by the system protective alter. Sad is; this is the second me that was wombed! The first was in the early beginning of my life between 0 and 3. Its so horrible, all of this. And I do not know how to get at the second womb of myself. It has to open! and I have to see all that pain and horror and confusion. God must have kept me alive. Him and the alter... Im so alone and I do not understand!

I have to keep working with God! Im close to opening up self! but Im not sure what is going on or how to do this!

I would like to move to the next level; first I have to get through the first one, get past the wall.

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And many people are attempting to control me! and they are really putting down the control now. They do not want me to control or use them or leave. Or they want me to leave. They do not want me waking up, they do not want responsibility for helping me!
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I look at the past and understand more! I was hated. I can't see how it was personal. I was hated because?

I was a nice person and it meant nothing! I was treated with complete hatred and contempt! Totally thrown out!

Contempt at the core; brutality! It was unbelievable. And the people that were suppose to like me, did not like me anymore. I meant nothing to them and they moved on, and no one asked if I was OK or how I was. I was treated like an animal.

And Im starting to address this; talk about it! and Im starting; Right at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning. I can feel it! Im very close.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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