April 2024
March 2024
My work is to get up close to specific visuals or visualizations of people I used to like but was distant from; The universe wants me to get up close to them while imagining them; meaning; I create an image of them and I getting up close to them in my imagination.
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Its real simple. For example; I see her from across the room; I call out her name; and I tell her to come over here and talk to me right now. Come over here....
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She slowly stands up and comes over; I meet her half way grab her arms or hands; her hands in mine and I pray for her and or tell her I love her and that God loves her... And I pray for her right then over n over n over.... And thats what I do; more n more n more all day long until Im confertable being up close and personal with her in my mind...
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The idea is to become a human being again. Im seeing myself touching her body; her shoulders and back and face and hair... In a way that is appropriate. I say that because God is running the show; I did not have people to interact with for most of my teen years; it was a horrible ordeal. I had no one. No one cared if I was dead or alive. Now Im trying to do something about it.
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Im learning how to re create closeness in my imagination.... and learn to express myself physically in my imagination with others.... Like coming from a touchy feely close nit family of successful humans,....
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I remember seeing successful family people on TV; I thought when I grew up I would have that; meaning my parents would present that option to me; Instead; Nothing. I got nothing out of the deal but thrown away young; discarded young; they were never their when young; and then they discarded me..... thats what Im dealing with and Im praying to God for the help I need to be a human being again...
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With out the 12 step groups right now; I have no real place to socialize; Ill work with God on this; I am getting a massive flashback right now on this...
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Socializing is hard because im not centered or present or up to speed on who I am and who I am is someone who is trying to recover from being in a dissociative nightmare....
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I have to keep working on this stuff until I see lovable people in my imagination for me to get close to.
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Im getting stronger; looking forward to when Im strong enough to imagine with out flashbacks; being able to handle every little step without dissociating.
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The other goal is to work on different forms of physical closeness in my imagination with a women I used to know. Meaning; grabbing her hands and dancing with her; or sitting with her on a couch and talking; or flirting with her; resting my head on her chest with her hands extended behind her and just talking or hugging each other arm n arm watching Tv or eating together or being out on the porch taking; That is the work.....
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Aslo; in my imagination;
Face to face meetings and running into each other and talking; really working through all of this so Im not a victim anymore.
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The more I talk about it the more anxiety leaves me and when that happens I can work on the
issues...
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And something else just happened; I was able; within my imagination to walk over to this girl; grab her hands pray for her; pull her slowly back to my sitting area where she sits down next to me and looking at me; I tell her Im sorry; sorry I could not be trusted; I wasn't trying to hurt her". This is very important; This is the first time ive ever apologized to her ever. And that is part of the missing link...
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