Today in a meeting; I told them when young; I had a girl that liked me; I was at her home all the time. She tried to get me to like her in several different ways; but when it came time to actually ask her out or make her my girlfriend; I thought I chickened out; but thats not what it was; it was full PTSD.. I was slammed with a past life never processed. And I could not move forward with anyone. I was split in half; Dr jekyll Mr Hyde. I literally turned on the women with hatred and scorn blaming her for having and being what I could never be.. The problem was; I was not able to process anything or participate as a human being... I was in serious dissociation trouble. My mind was over ran for to long and I was destroyed and my mind broken up could not stay present from the fragmentation. I was so severely broken apart; ripped to pieces. And here I was with the girl who had no clue as to what was going on; Neither did I; but all I know is; one day I loved her and was moving forward and the next day I turned on her complete; I was no longer trust worthy; I betrayed her and she did nothing wrong. absolutely nothing and that was just to much for me; what had I done... This is insanity....
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This will plaque me for 45 years over n over n over up into last year..
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Finally Im talking about it openly at meetings; iF a women likes me; In my mind; its as if thats enough; this silent attraction for each other; we own each others; we are technically together. And we are girlfriend boyfriend. Thats where my mind goes; back to being 4-5 years old. or 8 years old. But no further. It cant stand going any further; nothing; I just cant. So; what happened between the ages of 8 and 14; or 13 makes everything intolerable; and I can feel it; all the dissociation of that time period; way over my head; I just want to go to sleep and run and hide... Not deal; with it. But its made me immature and unable to ask a women out for a date; to follow through with women that all ready like me. Its about self esteem and getting my life back; I just didnt believe; couldn't believe something good was actually happening for me; It just couldn't be; they must have asked my parent for permission for this to happen and they didnt ask my parents for permission so I didnt believe it. So; by writing this; Im facing some things; I can feel it.
And I told the group today; I hang out with a women that likes me or I know of a women that likes me and I wont respond to her; ill ignore her but we both know we like each other; thats what Im telling myself; she will finely give up on me and go out with someone else; sometimes in front of me; Ill be jealous and furious. How could she have done this to me; How! She knew what I was doing; she knew I was shy or with drawn or nervous or bashful and broken; she knew this. And she allows another man into her arms right in front of me...
It hurts to write this; and Im still not sure the women is off the hook morally; but as I write this and get my feelings out; the more the kind of women Im interested in surfaces. Im thinking normal house old middle class educated kind of thing. But its been a very long time since I felt worthy of anyone that actually liked me.
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So; I never asked them out and yet I think they owe me; How dare she go out with another man; im heart broken; it never really hits me; the reality; I never asked her out; so she doesn't owe me anything; its completely pathological. And I would get mad at their indifference. But the fact remains; I have to ask them out before their is any kind of arrangement where Im actually with them in a beginning relationship; other then that Im just a stranger or acquaintance...
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Its hard for that pathological part of me because Im stopped; I go into freeze mode. Im completely shut down catatonically. Im completely shut down and thats that and I blame the girl for not rescuing me but they try to and Im still shut down and so I think their worthless; their not good for anything because they dont understand. Im in real trouble and I need them; But it never occurs to me they are little more then strangers who do not know a thing about me; Its that specific part; that information that they no noting about me and are no better then strangers; its that part I cant seem to accept; meaning; they are truly strangers but in my nervous system I see them as in close girlfriends and we are one together; As if we have been dating for a year or more when we haven't; but my nervous system doesn't seem to know that. and thats whats scary about all of this and freaks the women out thats interested in me. And she moves on to other guys and Im left dry. I get mad at her claiming she is a Witch.
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Non of the girls that liked me; non of them did not just let me hang; meaning; each one told me they liked me tried to get me to tell them that I liked them to start a relationship with them; they all tried but I got hostile and walked away from that as if this wasn't real or something; I didnt believe it; didnt believe them; didnt believe this could happen to me; something good like this; instead; this must be a bully setting me up to take a fall. Its a bully thats setting me up; a sociopath thats stringing me along and then will attack me.. setting me up for something evil to happen to me.. its a monster thats going to hurt me... take advantage of me. So; its all PTSD and Im relieving bad people and places and things and I dont trust them at all; Im projecting or reliving flashbacks... I dont trust them at all. and if they really liked me they would prove themselves and Im not telling them whats wrong with me or they could sucker me in with a smile on their face and then destroy me at a later time because its all fake.
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So; ive got all this anxiety from all the bad things that had happened to me from before. And all of that comes out so I can hardly have a relationship with anyone; I run in terror. Now; if I really want a relatiocsop with someone Ill have to tell them what a wack job I am and that scares me worse and it scares me that Im alway running away and avoiding; I wont be worth much with a PTSD based nervous system like the one I have; whats the use. Whats the point.
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Shes provably like my mother a pathological monster so ive got the wrong girl; shes not a nice girl.
but then I ask myself; why didnt I have sex with her.. I mean; that would have been fun; but im to overwhelmed with triggering and flashbacks and so sex cant happened because this is a monster. and I wont get near monsters... So their it is...
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As I talk more about it; the anxiety leaves and I think ill get a little bit better as time goes on. But this is an area of horror for me; pain and being over ridden.
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At times I left them be and just watch them to see if they're safe; allot times; they end up going out with other guys right in front of me; horrifying; not safe people.
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The point of all of this is to slowly address my fear indirectly.
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