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OMNICELL
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My mother destroyed my sexual development!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri May 13, 2016 1:19 am

My mother destroyed my sexual development! Unfortunately, when I was older, after the age of 10; I was forced to live with relatives; I was prod'd and sexually chased or harassed or inappropriately touched; later being raped! And later, I fooled around with animals when 13 years old! Many cats! Sometimes dogs! I had no attention and I was in shock and freaked out and being tortured by all of this! I had no home anymore with no explanation and all things gone, now Im being raped and psychologically abused! And I have nowhere to run! What do you expect a 12 year old boy to do!
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I do not care that my mother was giving me to the person that probably created her into a sadistic psychopaths! They all need to be taken to the town square and killed! Burned alive and gotten rid of! All of them!
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The point is; after this; I moved back in with my mother to get away from being sexually abused! unfortunately, I did not understand that the person I was moving in with caused all this in the first place and knew what was going on and probably planned it that way! and I was thrown away! she did not expect me to travel clear across the state to find her and live with her; she had already worked her way into manipulating yet, another family! and their was no room for her previous throw aways!
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However, she worked for the state! And could not say no! She simply had to keep up appearances!

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When I lived their; I had no confidence in myself, and all my sexual capability was raped the retarded and mutilated; psychologically! And emotionally! My sexual understanding was of no interest; I just wanted a family and wanted to be loved! I did not understand what was going on! I had no duplicate family to run to; their was no one! I was completely alone in the world! I was thrown away in all directions!
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Anyway! I tried to date at times and meet girls and I did fall in love with one girl up the street! But to no purpose! I could not fully respond! I shut down; PTSD and the beginning of dissociative disorder! And I was of a stunted growth and very mentally weak!
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I had girls over the house, but my mother would go into a rage as if I was her object, and no other was to touch her property! I was not human to this mad degenerate idiot! I was an object! And she was not going to share what was hers! She had control and wanted this object dead and stupid and raped and totally controllable by her!

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I had to have girls come into through windows and leave through the windows! It was ######6 strange and sickening!
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Then one day I made the big mistake! I was in the car getting a ride and I told my mother about my feelings for this girl up the street! What I got was a complete sadistic psychopath! I got a horrified grueling sickening message and abuses rant! I cannot describe it! It was inhuman! It went through every personal boundary I had as a human being! It was like being molested by words! And worse; tortured by them! What they implied! pure sadistic abuse rant!
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What did my mother do; she crossed all human rights and boundaries with her words; as if I had no human boundaries! As if I was nothing more then a piece of wood! It was so hideous, that it freaked me out so much, knowing what she was! And realizing what she was, I left the area and came back to my home town! I was so messed up from this experiences! And it got into me! Controlled me! Took advantage of me! Horrible! I felt like I been raped by the intent of this maniac! It destroyed my ability to feel safe! I was horrified! And sickened and needed to get out of their and never go back! I was truly stuck!
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As for the girl up the street; it was over, I was in to much emotional catastrophe! I had to leave! It effects me to this day! Because this thing was not human; this vile angular psychopath! It was like listening to a predator reptile talking; no human quality! I cant describe it! It's not safe! Its like being up close to a giant poisons lizard; and you cant leave! Your in the cage with it breathing down your throat!
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The point is; it went through me like a knife and stunned everything in me to the core! I had to leave and never go back around this ever again! As for my development; this was one more knife in the coffin of my development and sexual development with the opposite sex!
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Now; of the present; I have mass amounts of PTSD when it comes to getting close to women! most of it is indirect! its not about women; its about my mothers interfering with my development while interacting with women! so, I have allot work to do!

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Normal males get around women because they want to make out with them and kiss on them! and its no different for me; but, all was stunted! and Im a few years behind in development!
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I will catch up; and when I do; I will be at that place I was at, at age 16 or 15! when I broke from reality again! and left everything behind including the girl I loved! This time, their will be no mother around to destroy everything!

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I called the girl many years later and told her how I felt! she just laughed in my face and hung up; she tried to make a fool out of me while on the phone! her fiancé was sitting next to her as she was talking with me; she was mocking me the whole time and playing me; and they were laughing the whole time; at me! I had to tell her how I felt! she simply shunned me as if a fool retard weakling and said; Seeya, hope ya have a nice life" '' click"! and during the phone call; playing the role of stuck up cheer leader talking to someone that worshiped her and never had a chance with her!

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When I called, it was honorable and respectable! I truly loved her with all my heart! at any time I could have taken her; I could have married her! but why! describing the phone called above; why would I marry someone like this! its true, I could have taken her back and put her in her place; but what would I have! I said no! I simply called her in great pain! told her the truth about how I felt about her; I loved, her, she was my best friend, and I was in lover with her! and I left it at that! the rest was up to her! and I did not get involved after this; I simply stayed on the phone long enough to tell her how I felt! then got off the phone and never heard from her again! this phone call was 10 years after I had met her! or had seen her!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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