Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1760)
Archives
- March 2024
Manifesting new things
   Tue Mar 26, 2024 4:43 am
The new road...
   Mon Mar 25, 2024 7:26 am
Expectations and life on lifes terms
   Mon Mar 25, 2024 5:30 am
learning how to work at things in reality
   Fri Mar 22, 2024 4:44 am
Finally feel like Im moving on from the past
   Thu Mar 21, 2024 4:00 am
Friend to Friend; leaping forward
   Wed Mar 20, 2024 5:42 am
Next sign of breaking away from the past…
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 11:10 pm
Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals o
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:55 am
Seeing green when its Red...
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 3:49 am
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

My mother blocked me from loving anyone

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 28, 2021 12:24 am

My mother blocked me from loving anyone!
.
I Was put thorough abandonment and horror.... She was the equivalent in nature of a serial killer; did the same type of behaviors but I was never killed by her; She was the same type of psychopath. I was thrown away discarded the same way. So; take my word for it; don't argue with Omnicell's blogs...
.
I was destroyed at the core; as I write; Im seeing sexual abuse at one of the houses I was dumped off at in the adolescent period; scary; fear and terror... always being on the defensive to survive; confused and to young.
.
Dealing up close with this beast caused a special kind of self rejection and self hatred; done on purpose but much much worse; this was a monster; the equivalent of a serial killer; and to be up close to them; the sick way they talk to you; I cannot describe it; the kind of inner core abuse thrown at me; it was like being captive.... and destroyed over n over n over; but the effect on it caused a specific kind of damage or internal sickness to my soul; psyche; personalty; I cant describe what it did; it deteriorated my identity and personality; and person; I totally violated all of my insides.. and that caused a strange disease within me; like PTSD of the internal self not just the nervous system; the other areas of me; my internal lining of self within my body; all infected; all of it where no one is suppose to ever go. It was like an alligator breathing on me and talking to from pure hell or satantic nature; 2 inches away from me; like a lizard berating poison down my throat into my body where the poison saturated and infected the inner lining of my self; all of me.. caused a great sickness where I cant do anything anymore and cant function and dont care about living anymore; cant do anything; and could not love ever again. could not do anything.
.
Now; However, That has Changed. Ive work extremely hard on the recovery process and God and Universe and me and the small child within me and my inner beings alignment with the universe; all creating an awareness working with the universe; the universe has sent me plans and solutions to learn how to love again; why is this important because it makes it possible to become independent again with new relationships. And these relationships do not require my mothers control over me as a dependent on her the psychopath. I was broken completely; destroyed. And I could only be dependent on others; I could not longer love myself; that was burned out of me; destroyed and thus I was split in 2; and had to have dependency on all others to survive; I could not function anymore; I was complete disabled finally; and getting worse.
.
Now; things are different; Im getting stronger now; In the face of all odds its happening. Work work work work; and its happening...
.
Im learning again how to love someone unconditionally. Im learning from God; ive found that I gather great courage because I choose to follow got to love again; it requires great amounts of courage because that person Im going to love has no clue and owes me nothing; Im working with God to love someone... Im stepping out on a ledge. thats what It feels like; They love me back because I loved them; not because they ever liked me. ITs God in the background; I in the forground... its choosing to love someone because I know Im suppose to. God wants me to. God brings the light energy moving froward like a tsunami and sends me to a person that needs the connection; In this case we are talking about women to love....
.
So; Im relearning how to love again; brand new.. Its not scary; but I just want to be successful.I have negative thoughts about it; but those are being destroyed because theirs no such thing as anyone owes me; so I loose nothing by taking massive chances with someone. I have to stay with God the whole time; and the more I love myself and life the more addicting it is and the more God will send something for this addiction to love. This is a good addiction; its a love addiction; meaning; Im suppose to be obsessed with love for someone; real love; unconditional love. The right kind of love and situation. Im not talking about co dependency issues or something or " Love addiction"; the kind that is not real but an avoidance of the persons real problems; Im not talking about that; Im talking about loving a soulmate with unconditional love. So; Im heading back to that.
.
The problem;
Who to love? I have to stay out of it as I heal; God will allow that person to show up... id like it to be specific people but I cant. God has to put it on my heart to be around them; they will be safe or no go.
.
Self love!
In my case right now; God has me working on visualization of loving; thus creating a self love; I wont go into the details; trust me!
.
So; the one side of me is loving the other side of me; altho thats not what Im loving in my imagination; but ultimately thats who's really getting loved; me. Im loving the other side of me and in turn this is preparing me to love others outside of me; Its happening and growing and Im developing. I have a long way to go and the breaking point or limiting beliefs caused by my mother are a huge abyss for me.

.
The divide or abyss.
It was like my head was beheaded and my nervous system split into 2 people separated severed by a large gap; neither side could communicate with each other the ability to connect; the connects with internal self and outer self complete severed; like being beheaded. Massive destruction. I wont go into the details.
.
THe 2 sides have new tentacles and those tentacles are finding each other in the primordial soup Calle a biological bowl... An internal aquatic adventure.... primordial connecters tracing each other; finding each other and when looking at each others; slowly allowing the other to become friends; slowly figuring each other out and finally allowing connection; connecting to each other because they recognize each other; and God has done this; is doing this; re creating these biological tentacles.... And its happening right now; As I practice visualizations; I wont go into the details; more n more I must break through fully beyond the crevasse of the abyss. This is happening; a whole world is being brought forth from within me; ran by God.
.
So; Im being re taught how to love again; and this is important; that forced love I shove out into everything is what makes life worth living; with out it live is a torturous nightmare. So; God is making the 2 halves of me come together; completely regenerating the inner core workings; bringing new ones back; the spirit of God; the Holy one; The Holy Spirit is regenerating all new areas and workings for a reconnection of self; and its been happing and it continues to get stronger; and stronger it will get.
.
The ability to me to love is important because God will have others for me to love with all of my heart unconditionally; Its not over yet...
.
continued practice visualizing what I want.... So; Im in the practice of practicing for what I want; practicing a new way of thinking; thinking about new things the universe has created; new strategies the universe has implemented in my mind.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 3838 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Dalgidanchew, Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], szntz