My mother blocked me from loving anyone!
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I Was put thorough abandonment and horror.... She was the equivalent in nature of a serial killer; did the same type of behaviors but I was never killed by her; She was the same type of psychopath. I was thrown away discarded the same way. So; take my word for it; don't argue with Omnicell's blogs...
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I was destroyed at the core; as I write; Im seeing sexual abuse at one of the houses I was dumped off at in the adolescent period; scary; fear and terror... always being on the defensive to survive; confused and to young.
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Dealing up close with this beast caused a special kind of self rejection and self hatred; done on purpose but much much worse; this was a monster; the equivalent of a serial killer; and to be up close to them; the sick way they talk to you; I cannot describe it; the kind of inner core abuse thrown at me; it was like being captive.... and destroyed over n over n over; but the effect on it caused a specific kind of damage or internal sickness to my soul; psyche; personalty; I cant describe what it did; it deteriorated my identity and personality; and person; I totally violated all of my insides.. and that caused a strange disease within me; like PTSD of the internal self not just the nervous system; the other areas of me; my internal lining of self within my body; all infected; all of it where no one is suppose to ever go. It was like an alligator breathing on me and talking to from pure hell or satantic nature; 2 inches away from me; like a lizard berating poison down my throat into my body where the poison saturated and infected the inner lining of my self; all of me.. caused a great sickness where I cant do anything anymore and cant function and dont care about living anymore; cant do anything; and could not love ever again. could not do anything.
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Now; However, That has Changed. Ive work extremely hard on the recovery process and God and Universe and me and the small child within me and my inner beings alignment with the universe; all creating an awareness working with the universe; the universe has sent me plans and solutions to learn how to love again; why is this important because it makes it possible to become independent again with new relationships. And these relationships do not require my mothers control over me as a dependent on her the psychopath. I was broken completely; destroyed. And I could only be dependent on others; I could not longer love myself; that was burned out of me; destroyed and thus I was split in 2; and had to have dependency on all others to survive; I could not function anymore; I was complete disabled finally; and getting worse.
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Now; things are different; Im getting stronger now; In the face of all odds its happening. Work work work work; and its happening...
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Im learning again how to love someone unconditionally. Im learning from God; ive found that I gather great courage because I choose to follow got to love again; it requires great amounts of courage because that person Im going to love has no clue and owes me nothing; Im working with God to love someone... Im stepping out on a ledge. thats what It feels like; They love me back because I loved them; not because they ever liked me. ITs God in the background; I in the forground... its choosing to love someone because I know Im suppose to. God wants me to. God brings the light energy moving froward like a tsunami and sends me to a person that needs the connection; In this case we are talking about women to love....
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So; Im relearning how to love again; brand new.. Its not scary; but I just want to be successful.I have negative thoughts about it; but those are being destroyed because theirs no such thing as anyone owes me; so I loose nothing by taking massive chances with someone. I have to stay with God the whole time; and the more I love myself and life the more addicting it is and the more God will send something for this addiction to love. This is a good addiction; its a love addiction; meaning; Im suppose to be obsessed with love for someone; real love; unconditional love. The right kind of love and situation. Im not talking about co dependency issues or something or " Love addiction"; the kind that is not real but an avoidance of the persons real problems; Im not talking about that; Im talking about loving a soulmate with unconditional love. So; Im heading back to that.
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The problem;
Who to love? I have to stay out of it as I heal; God will allow that person to show up... id like it to be specific people but I cant. God has to put it on my heart to be around them; they will be safe or no go.
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Self love!
In my case right now; God has me working on visualization of loving; thus creating a self love; I wont go into the details; trust me!
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So; the one side of me is loving the other side of me; altho thats not what Im loving in my imagination; but ultimately thats who's really getting loved; me. Im loving the other side of me and in turn this is preparing me to love others outside of me; Its happening and growing and Im developing. I have a long way to go and the breaking point or limiting beliefs caused by my mother are a huge abyss for me.
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The divide or abyss.
It was like my head was beheaded and my nervous system split into 2 people separated severed by a large gap; neither side could communicate with each other the ability to connect; the connects with internal self and outer self complete severed; like being beheaded. Massive destruction. I wont go into the details.
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THe 2 sides have new tentacles and those tentacles are finding each other in the primordial soup Calle a biological bowl... An internal aquatic adventure.... primordial connecters tracing each other; finding each other and when looking at each others; slowly allowing the other to become friends; slowly figuring each other out and finally allowing connection; connecting to each other because they recognize each other; and God has done this; is doing this; re creating these biological tentacles.... And its happening right now; As I practice visualizations; I wont go into the details; more n more I must break through fully beyond the crevasse of the abyss. This is happening; a whole world is being brought forth from within me; ran by God.
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So; Im being re taught how to love again; and this is important; that forced love I shove out into everything is what makes life worth living; with out it live is a torturous nightmare. So; God is making the 2 halves of me come together; completely regenerating the inner core workings; bringing new ones back; the spirit of God; the Holy one; The Holy Spirit is regenerating all new areas and workings for a reconnection of self; and its been happing and it continues to get stronger; and stronger it will get.
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The ability to me to love is important because God will have others for me to love with all of my heart unconditionally; Its not over yet...
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continued practice visualizing what I want.... So; Im in the practice of practicing for what I want; practicing a new way of thinking; thinking about new things the universe has created; new strategies the universe has implemented in my mind.