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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2021
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What car to buy
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
   Fri Jul 23, 2021 10:14 pm
moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
   Mon Jul 05, 2021 3:38 am
The hard work of things.
   Fri Jul 02, 2021 4:56 am

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My goal is to work through adolescence.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

My goal is to work through adolescence. What type of plan is required for this. Well; I need a play house and a play. I need a new script of my life and to follow it word by word and finish what I started. Ive found that when working toward goals at any level I began to become a " present" person. My shift of focus is on the future and on where Im at now; knowing where Im at now and where my destination is. And I have ideas of this; and ideas require plans; several plans; plans that are tried and refined; this is happening. courage is of the day.
I want to work through work issues. Maybe another blog.
My goal is a change of attitude; " I don't follow dreams"; I hunt goals!" couldn't say it any better; thats where I want my thinking. I want my focus on " what I want"; what makes me feel good; what makes me happy; and going after it; I want freedom from what others think or I think they think. I want freedom so I have to go after freedom; Im scared to go after freedom; it frightens me; this will require plans and pathways and I stepping out onto those pathways.
I have these negative thoughts; they are loathing thoughts when I attempt to think about plans for my pathways; its horrible. Im treated less then a dog and its all coming from my own mind. And then when I want to challenge it; I switch out; I have dissociative disorder. This loathing pathways are a problems; its a sad affair; I dont feel them anymore it went so deep. Im not feeling that sub human level; the goal is to feel again and stay away from the bottom end of things; work my way out.
So; Ive got the right angle or idea; I just have to keep working it out and not run and hide but continue to keep my soul and my mind open to my pathway.
The pathway must be conquered in the mind first before in reality. I must win on paper before I win in real life. I must have a plan forged in my imagination first and it must move in my imagination to the point that it starts moving the outside world.
Im having dead dumb spots when it comes to creating plans. I have to trust!! This is a hard thing. I dissociate and go blank. My mind dissociates and Im getting tired of it dissociating.
Im working through. thats the goal. Keep the focus.
The main focus is to keep up the pathway and no matter what thoughts come up or flashbacks; hang on until I can see clearly the path in front of me. It's hard. I'll do it. I can do this.
My pathway is filled with the right things; I just got to see it first; keep working until I show up to see it.
I can feel myself moving through adolescence. In the past; I had the past defining my adolescence; Im now working on planes to change this and bring back my original self and add to that original self; hard work; blocks and divergence and flashbacks and critical voice; its like being attacked....
Im having a problem believing. Im not following through with my beliefs concerning manifestation; Ive had a problem with it. The goal is to keep at it; learning how to hunt that goal down; keep at it; don't quit.
Pride; one of the biggest problems Ive got if not the most centralized problem. I think Im to good to struggle for what I want; it should be handed to me; Or I see my grandfather controlling me; the one who raped and molested me for 2 years;…. a place my mind goes blank in; the horror of this. Its associated with destroying my growing up years. So I dont feel good enough.


“cant you see what Ive been through”; it's a legitimate resentment; a righteous resentment; and these are lies; no one owes me nothing; not for what Im working toward. But that part of me thats angry about the losses Ive had; many; no part of my own doing and many; I had to make impossible choices that would leave to sorrow no matter what direction I went... So; I have to work through those times and understand that Im not a victim of those times anymore; these are new times and Im safer now; I hope and am trying to believe.
I pick great goals but Im afraid of what others will think; they will think those goals are stupid and care more about what they think then what I think...
Im scared to stand up to bullies that think negative things about me; Im scared to be free of them; they scare me; I am trauma bonded to them with a noose.
Im trying to get the courage to stand up to the bullies of my past; its over my head and overwhelming and it scars the heck out of me; scares me to death that I can just freeze and make them go away; but that didn't work; and Im not stooping to their level and then me getting in trouble for associating with them; so I go silent or freeze; but that doesn't work; but why doesn't that work; they should not be bothering me in the first place. And I had no home to go to; no one their but monsters... no one cared about me; Pure emptiness; Horrible. Not wanted; complete contempt and I was a sensitive innocent person. So; I have allot to work through.
Im scared off my mother and why she thinks of my future; if Im a good boy or a bad one where I will see the monster in her. I dont want to see the monster anymore; it is a demon.... I dont want that monster around me anymore; I want to run and go somewhere else please. My house is being taken from me; so is my way of life and I cant do anything about it.
I would like to continue to change this story concerning my house when young; deal with it; trust God…..
And Im scared of being triggered and seeing that monsters in my mind from others triggering me.
This is all hard.
And its hard to set a goal of desire that does not fit into others schemes. I want so much to people please and make sure everyone else is happy that I fit into a roll within a family; any kind of roll; but I have no family anymore; not that I ever created a family for myself; I haven't.
Its strange waking up in a lonely world from a child state. Its like; I was in a house as a child and now Im here.... Very hard; but Ill make it.
Ive got goals and I want to learn how to make those goals a reality... how bad do I want it.. And thats the problem; a part of me doesn't care; its lazy and just wants pleasure and to be taken care of; this is the child in me I think or maybe the bum in me; maybe the child in me actually wants to do something but the adult has been so beat down he just wants to retire from life.
Flash backs; real ones; bad ones that knock me out; this is a problem. a big problem; or wall. Ill work on it.
THe goal is to keep working on goals and replacing the past family stuff that does not exist anymore; replace it with something wonderful and good and learn to feel worthy enough or it.
If I want a family; Ill marry a rich girl that I feel comfortable with; that would be great in my situation; and Ill have God supply her to me…. She will be the right one but also have money; but I have to believe it….
I have to keep following through with my goals and as I get stronger; replace the old memories with ones of support for I was never supported when young; I was thrown away at the age of 9-10; 5th grade; somewhere around that. in the 5th grade. In the 4th grade; real signs of neglect; problems showing up all over the place in school and in my personal life; I was like a 5 year old in maturity.
Work issues have to be addressed. I feel so stupid; I am smart; but I see myself as a blue color kind of guy doing very little; something like selling things; working at a regular place.
However, I can that if Im into something; really getting into it; I would get good at it; but what am I interested in; Art! Is their anything else; Im so dam pissed; I want something that makes money... Frustrating.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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