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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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My goal is to work through adolescence.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

My goal is to work through adolescence. What type of plan is required for this. Well; I need a play house and a play. I need a new script of my life and to follow it word by word and finish what I started. Ive found that when working toward goals at any level I began to become a " present" person. My shift of focus is on the future and on where Im at now; knowing where Im at now and where my destination is. And I have ideas of this; and ideas require plans; several plans; plans that are tried and refined; this is happening. courage is of the day.
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I want to work through work issues. Maybe another blog.
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My goal is a change of attitude; " I don't follow dreams"; I hunt goals!" couldn't say it any better; thats where I want my thinking. I want my focus on " what I want"; what makes me feel good; what makes me happy; and going after it; I want freedom from what others think or I think they think. I want freedom so I have to go after freedom; Im scared to go after freedom; it frightens me; this will require plans and pathways and I stepping out onto those pathways.
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I have these negative thoughts; they are loathing thoughts when I attempt to think about plans for my pathways; its horrible. Im treated less then a dog and its all coming from my own mind. And then when I want to challenge it; I switch out; I have dissociative disorder. This loathing pathways are a problems; its a sad affair; I dont feel them anymore it went so deep. Im not feeling that sub human level; the goal is to feel again and stay away from the bottom end of things; work my way out.
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So; Ive got the right angle or idea; I just have to keep working it out and not run and hide but continue to keep my soul and my mind open to my pathway.
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The pathway must be conquered in the mind first before in reality. I must win on paper before I win in real life. I must have a plan forged in my imagination first and it must move in my imagination to the point that it starts moving the outside world.
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Im having dead dumb spots when it comes to creating plans. I have to trust!! This is a hard thing. I dissociate and go blank. My mind dissociates and Im getting tired of it dissociating.
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Im working through. thats the goal. Keep the focus.
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The main focus is to keep up the pathway and no matter what thoughts come up or flashbacks; hang on until I can see clearly the path in front of me. It's hard. I'll do it. I can do this.
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My pathway is filled with the right things; I just got to see it first; keep working until I show up to see it.
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I can feel myself moving through adolescence. In the past; I had the past defining my adolescence; Im now working on planes to change this and bring back my original self and add to that original self; hard work; blocks and divergence and flashbacks and critical voice; its like being attacked....
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Im having a problem believing. Im not following through with my beliefs concerning manifestation; Ive had a problem with it. The goal is to keep at it; learning how to hunt that goal down; keep at it; don't quit.
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Pride; one of the biggest problems Ive got if not the most centralized problem. I think Im to good to struggle for what I want; it should be handed to me; Or I see my grandfather controlling me; the one who raped and molested me for 2 years;…. a place my mind goes blank in; the horror of this. Its associated with destroying my growing up years. So I dont feel good enough.

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“cant you see what Ive been through”; it's a legitimate resentment; a righteous resentment; and these are lies; no one owes me nothing; not for what Im working toward. But that part of me thats angry about the losses Ive had; many; no part of my own doing and many; I had to make impossible choices that would leave to sorrow no matter what direction I went... So; I have to work through those times and understand that Im not a victim of those times anymore; these are new times and Im safer now; I hope and am trying to believe.
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I pick great goals but Im afraid of what others will think; they will think those goals are stupid and care more about what they think then what I think...
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Im scared to stand up to bullies that think negative things about me; Im scared to be free of them; they scare me; I am trauma bonded to them with a noose.
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Im trying to get the courage to stand up to the bullies of my past; its over my head and overwhelming and it scars the heck out of me; scares me to death that I can just freeze and make them go away; but that didn't work; and Im not stooping to their level and then me getting in trouble for associating with them; so I go silent or freeze; but that doesn't work; but why doesn't that work; they should not be bothering me in the first place. And I had no home to go to; no one their but monsters... no one cared about me; Pure emptiness; Horrible. Not wanted; complete contempt and I was a sensitive innocent person. So; I have allot to work through.
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Im scared off my mother and why she thinks of my future; if Im a good boy or a bad one where I will see the monster in her. I dont want to see the monster anymore; it is a demon.... I dont want that monster around me anymore; I want to run and go somewhere else please. My house is being taken from me; so is my way of life and I cant do anything about it.
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I would like to continue to change this story concerning my house when young; deal with it; trust God…..
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And Im scared of being triggered and seeing that monsters in my mind from others triggering me.
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This is all hard.
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And its hard to set a goal of desire that does not fit into others schemes. I want so much to people please and make sure everyone else is happy that I fit into a roll within a family; any kind of roll; but I have no family anymore; not that I ever created a family for myself; I haven't.
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Its strange waking up in a lonely world from a child state. Its like; I was in a house as a child and now Im here.... Very hard; but Ill make it.
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Ive got goals and I want to learn how to make those goals a reality... how bad do I want it.. And thats the problem; a part of me doesn't care; its lazy and just wants pleasure and to be taken care of; this is the child in me I think or maybe the bum in me; maybe the child in me actually wants to do something but the adult has been so beat down he just wants to retire from life.
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Flash backs; real ones; bad ones that knock me out; this is a problem. a big problem; or wall. Ill work on it.
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THe goal is to keep working on goals and replacing the past family stuff that does not exist anymore; replace it with something wonderful and good and learn to feel worthy enough or it.
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If I want a family; Ill marry a rich girl that I feel comfortable with; that would be great in my situation; and Ill have God supply her to me…. She will be the right one but also have money; but I have to believe it….
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I have to keep following through with my goals and as I get stronger; replace the old memories with ones of support for I was never supported when young; I was thrown away at the age of 9-10; 5th grade; somewhere around that. in the 5th grade. In the 4th grade; real signs of neglect; problems showing up all over the place in school and in my personal life; I was like a 5 year old in maturity.
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Work issues have to be addressed. I feel so stupid; I am smart; but I see myself as a blue color kind of guy doing very little; something like selling things; working at a regular place.
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However, I can that if Im into something; really getting into it; I would get good at it; but what am I interested in; Art! Is their anything else; Im so dam pissed; I want something that makes money... Frustrating.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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