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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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My first love

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:52 am

This blog is about learning how to go through with it!


The first girl I ever loved; I loved deeply, with all my heart. I pulled back from her to see what would happen. And many things happened!

1. She finally turned on me without finding out the truth!
2. I was banished as a weakling dumbass. Was I a dumbass ? no!
3 contempt; she turned it around as if she was popular, and I was a nobody! She thought she was superior. How can you do that! How can you twist everything into the opposite direction! Why would you do that to someone that loved you! Why would you have no regard for people that truly care about you! In this case, deep, real fist love! Its demonic; thats what this was! I fell in love with a f#cking Demon.

She never started out this way. ( she had always been that way; she was not that way to me; I loved her) Possibly she needed guidance and I was to be that guide. Possibly! Ive talked to God about her recently, and God lets me know that I was sent to her to help! so Im the one that did not follow through. Or there was nothing to follow through with! Did God want me around these people?

Taking a deeper look;

From my point of view, she used me, set me up and laughed in my face! and all of these things she did. She judged me later as being a weakling, and she saw me with contempt and never bothered to think anything more about it! I was forgotten as a dumbass!

What was she like before this! She liked me, and wanted me, and allowed me to get close to her all the time.. real close...

I could have married her if I wanted to. My view of this; I look for reasons to turn on her and not trust her. I knew I couldn't trust her! I found plenty of reason later not to trust her. I had every reason not to trust her. Was I a fool! did I actually believed this girl would stay with me! of course not. Why would she stay with me! Why, I can't give an explanation for that; not to this day! But that is not the correct answer!

I truly believe she would have or should have gotten rid of me at some point! I adored her with everything in me! No human being was ever so deeply loved. I loved her with everything in me! And she waited for me for almost a year. And I could not respond. I was to young...

At that time I had the problems I have today. I did not have names for them. However, they were eating me alive and would finally consume me; the Long term PTSD problems, Dissociative problems; mental breakdowns, clinical depressions. the family system I was staying with in this different city, did not want me. I finally realized this and lost hope of everything.

I realized I was a throw away and no one cared what happened to me! And all this was on my mind.

And many other psych problems and behavioral problems and lack of hope and trust and the world is caving in on me! And many other things! my family system had been destroyed 6 year before.... I had been molested and many other things.

And now, Im flunking out of high school I am in shock! mental shock and don't care. I am not what I appear to be when I first met this girl. I am a darker side of dying...

So, Im dealing with a wealthy girl from a wealthy upper middle class family. She is upper middle class. She is of the top 5 best looking girls in the high school. She is the head cheerleader, and she is a strait A student that will be heading to a big private University... She is stuck up beyond belief to everyone. She is the elite.

And I love her with all my heart.. because around me she was just a broken girl, that was never loved by anyone except me! And I could have married anytime I wanted to. And later In life I could have. But I did not! to many red flags. I do not believe God wanted me around her!

Many problems I found in her. She was pathological! Her parents; both sociopaths in there own right.. she was not at first...

I kept wondering if she would turn on me if she thought I was weak. So, I played dumb. And she fell for it! She played me off as a weakling dumb ass. She never took the time to check why I acted the way I did. She had no compassion or remorse. She struck out in every direction! No way was going to get involved. She was part of the world. F#ck that place and all people in it! But what about my love for her! I ended with nothing but pain and sadness.

later, after doing 12 step work on resentments and forgiveness; A few years into the future,

A new view began to emerge of my interests in this girl. I thought I was the victim! I had been screwed over by a stuck up cheerleader. I was a victim again by the world and did not understand why no one loved me or cared about me!

later, I remembered a few things that confused me!

1. This girl did not act the way I wanted her to act. But when I took an interest in her, she responded. This went on for a year. She liked me for a year!

2. She could have had all jocks and anyone else in that school! But it was me that was at her house in her bedroom at 12 midnight! I was the one going to the big city with her on the weekends. I was the one she wanted to stay the night! Not for sex; it could have been for sex. She liked me!

3. She liked me! its that simple!

4. I ignored her and treated her like she meant nothing to me; she finally forgot about me. I was just being defensive because I was young and in love with her!

Later when I was having problems, I called her to study with her, she said no, as if I was a dumb ass that didn't matter.... I did matter, I was being destroyed from the upper middle class people in every direction... I never really saw her again, and this broke the final straw of the camels back!

So, She forgot about me and went after real men! And I was the real one that loved her! My take; she was evil, like the world she came from, but how do I explain that she liked me for a year. How do I explain that I loved her so deeply if she was evil!

My findings first suggested that she was young, and was not aware of the other future possibilities she had in front of her! She had plenty of rich guys that would like her and take care of her; I felt I had no chance, and she would find this out soon enough! She would find out she could get better in every direction.. And in away she did.. She ended up with the typical rich kid boy friends and the same life a rich upper middle class person may end up with. But something was wrong!

First, who was she when I met her! I met the real her! I met the real girl. And the real girl was like a country girl. She was down to earth, lowly and sweet!

She was sensitive. Way to sensitive to be around these horrible freaks in her family!, She was more of an artist! not a sociopath! at least not at first!

She waited for me to respond to her. She through herself on me 114 thousand times... And the look in her eyes of sadness.. And she knew I loved her! and that is why she let me come over so much! She accepted me when I loved her at my deepest and waited for me...

Yet, the same girl writes me off as a nothing a year later...

10 years would go by. I was destroyed from age 16 onward. Mental illness with ravish my mind and I will be a drifter none functioning.

I called her! Had a friend call her first. I told her I loved her, had been in love with her and that she was my first love, and I cared about her, and always thought of her as my best friend. I was polite, I made sure to be polite that I meant no harm intruding on her life at that time. I just needed to tell her how I felt about her!

She gave back the typical stuck-up b#tch response with no emotion. Instead, almost a thrill seeker dealing with a weakling of no value; me! she could spend a few minutes playing the weak guy before she got of the phone.

But I had value. I had loved her with all my heart! She was my first love! and this came from God; my feeling for her.

I had to call her, the PTSD problems were so big, I had to get this part of my life settled. I was never planning on seeing her, or talking to her again! She had little value for me , and no value for what I had said.
----------------------------------------------------------------

From the above information, it seems to I had got involved with the wrong person! and possibly I had... But I don't believe that!

However, I had loved her, and she did accept it!

And God let me know! I was to love her! and take care of her and teach her !

Now looking back on it, I was to escape her and the hell that I was in!

God did want me to love this person; And if I had stayed with her, I do not know what would have happened. I could never function as a human being, I could not work, or anything. I could not function; would she still be with me because I loved her. Possibly! Yes! I had away of grabbing her and drawing her back! Love is more powerful then anything! Did I ask God to stop loving her.... No, but I think the holly spirit had had enough of this and her! She as evil; you are what you practice. She could not tell good from evil. Right from wrong; she had no conscious at many levels. Not all levels, and she seemed to get worse...

I think she wanted a boy that would love her for who she was; and that was me! But I never went through with it!

And this blog is about learning how to go through with it!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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