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OMNICELL
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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My first love; what happened

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 29, 2019 3:52 pm

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One of the most important issues to work on; what happened with my first love; why did it blow out; what happened with my first love; why couldn't I continue;
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What caused the collapse of my myself with my first love? And why is this important; it is important because I will not ever be able to interact with anyone ever again after this; be present. Im closed off from relationships because the trauma of being broken and the trauma of having to pull away form this girl I loved and my future with her... I will be for ever removed from reality and my life after this loss of this girl that I loved..... My life was snuffed out for many reason during that time period; but adding to it the inability to go fourth with my first love; it was over for me and my future ruined...
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My goal in recovery was to have the ability to decrease the power of what happened to me when younger that I could talk to people again or talk about my feelings again and move forward with independent relationships again. In many rudimentary forms; this has now been accomplished. This means; If I ever go through another situation with a psychopath and a girl lives up the street that I love and I have a future with; ill be able to withstand the trauma and tell her how I feel about and continue with a relationship with her and a future; and that will make all the difference in the world for my future success in life. And it means; I can step away from the broken trauma bond with the psychopath and create a new life for myself..... My main goal in recovery process was to become independent of the psychopaths from the real world and their influence within me; their voices still ringing out within me controlling me.
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I will paraphrase what caused it; Trauma and CPTSD and dissociative disorder; my mental condition will get worse; I will have a break down while knowing this girl; the force that caused the break down will come from the house Im living at while on the coast.. The psychopath is responsible. she is living in this house and creates another situation where I have a mental break down and break from reality; I will withdraw from life and from this girl and recede back to about the age of a 5 year old and finally leave the area... completely dissociative from trauma and broken; catatonic and socially schizophrenic; and deeply clinically depressed and freaked out from a drub overdoes..... Non functioning... Not present anymore...
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The History; And Ive told this back story many times in my blogs; hundreds of times; still its always relevant;
When I was young; I had a father that kept my mother away from me; but not completely; And I probably went through ritualistic abuse... This caused strange neck and head twitches when young... and other things
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My father kept my mother away from me; my father had been a farmer; and would not put up with anything from her; later he divorced her because she kept getting into his business and his stuff and sabotaging everything... He never received a wife; She did not love anything; instead she tried to gain control of everything through a kind of passive aggression and destroy things; he finally got rid of her; He wasn't the first to complain that she was a home wrecker. In the end; she was already seeing other men before she was divorced; More possible hosts...
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When I was young; I thought I had a foundation; I was under the impressional dillusion that I was loved and cared about; This was exploitation by the people in charge of me and the house hold I lived in. It was not true; no one loved me! unfortunately devastation would occur. Their was no one that loved me or cared about me. However, I was fooled; I was 2 young to know.
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The next level of horror;
I had created dreams based on this false foundation; a foundation faked by those houses owners I lived with. I did not know; I had no idea; I did not have a foundation under me; nothing had been created under me; I was not with people that cared about me; no one was looking after me; no one had built a foundation nor cared about building a foundation... and nothing was safe and that I should be living with foster parents; I had no idea; its 2 bad I had no idea because of what the future would hold... I should have been living with foster parents from the beginning.
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After being thrown away from these people in the 5th grade; I had nowhere to go; and no interest in living anymore; I was PTSD triggered very deeply; I was in serious trouble mentally; I cared about nothing; I lost my parents and all surrounding to my childhood within the second of a cutting of a knife; the cutting of a knife to my spiritual and psychologically throat. Abandoning children means; no more food, and no medical, and no clothing, no house, no neighborhood, No communication, no schooling or future. To abandon a child is to kill them... We in America do it all the time; then complain that in Eastern third world countries, people are throwing their children out into the garbage; small children or babies. And yet; in are own covert legal way; we do it all the time. Pease understand; to abandon a child is a completed message; death is the message; that is the message the child receives; they are not wanted; and its made clear; they are not even worth enough to feed or houz or clothing or to build their minds for a future. Those who abandon children want those children dead and out of the way; out of the way to the plans of the perpetrators doing the abandonment.
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So I ended up at my Grandparents; ( technically I would not call these monsters anything like a Grandparent; they are brutal savages of their own nature; murders of children; sadistic in covert Eand non covert ways; sociopaths or close to it; perverts and child molesters. Evil.... And hiding under a mask...

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These people you call Grand parents; They were no good; they were worse then what I came from because they created the psychopathic mother; and my mother knew I would be living with them for she wanted me destroyed by them the way she was destroyed by them or sexually abused. And she was giving me to my Grandfather as a present to rape.
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I had to get away from my Grandparents; they were evil; and I was being sexually abused and destroyed psychologically; They created the psychopaths I had to live with when born... And they were un human and could break a child very quickly by destroying all good things and connections in the childs life. They created a false front and my Grandfather; I wish their was another name for this monsters; he was into Satanism.....
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They basically took children hostage... psychologically broke them...... like being in a prison camp... raped them. How did they get away with it; Well; I had no other place to live and I was already broken; no one cared; and no one ever asked a word about where I came from or how I felt about it; nothing; horrifying; no one their to rescue or save me; Nothing.
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I had no choice; I had to get away from these people; These Grand parents; My schooling had been destroyed and was in torment and dissociation.
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At the age of 13; I would have lived with these grand parents about 2 1/2 years;
I would be moving to the coast again with my mother; I had no other place to go.. She could not legally turn me down. So; I moved back in when I was 14; she had a new husband. I was in shock from what had happened to me from the past; suddenly being thrown away when in 5th grade; I was thrown away; and she was already on her 4rth husband and had been married before she married my father and I never knew; Anyway; I didn't exist; I mean; this monster didn't care about me or my future; nothing; I did not exist; but I had to believe someone loved me.
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The point is; I had to move in with her. While their; I tried to become independent socially in school; Wanted to become popular; I thought; if I'm popular; Ill have a chance; ill be loved. In the end; this did not last long; I was so traumatized when showing up to this new house on the coast; I could not function or participate in school; I could show up; that was all... I could interact with kids for attention; but the school process did not count; doing well or doing homework; Was in a state of dramatic shock; I was trying to heal it by being popular or around other kids. Get love from them.
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In the process of being popular; my brother who was also living at this house at the coast; knew a guy his age who lived up the street. One day; I went with my brother to meet his friend; He had a little sister my age; we were both 14. And from the first time I met her; I knew. It took about a week; that was all it took; I knew God had sent her to me; She was all that I was asking for; had asked God for; she was perfect as I had asked God a few years back; I wanted someone to love. I had a deep desire to love her and make her my friend and take care of her; and she fell for me now; right now. We were soulmates from the start. I could be on a school bus and thinking something funny from the back of the bus; I could look up to the front of the bus; and she would be looking at me in the eyes and laughing because she could read my mind; we were that in-tune with each other.
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I write much about this girl in these blogs on psych forums; and I talked about her extensively for years in 12 step groups; The reason; I lost the ability to communicate. And this will be a corner stone of my mental condition; This condition will show its beginnings with this girl; she will be the first casualty of my condition; taking my condition to a major disability level at that point; the beginning of my dissociative condition; the roots of CPTSD. I was already developing; but this girl I could not communicate with; this will be the registered beginning of the end; I could not communicate with this girl and I lost her...
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I lost my first love; the reason behind it have to do with the psychopaths I was living with; the foundation of my life at this house on the coast; the foundation broke through; unfortunate this foundation was hopeful and wishful thinking; and thats all; no more foundation existed for me; and I was broken from it; it caught me off guard; this psychopath had done this again; this was the third time; third house. Ill explain what I mean by " 3rd house".
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When young; I was thrown away form my original family system; I had to have a place to live; I chose to live with my father; However, stunned and in shock; he didn't want me; He could not afford me; I had a break down within a few months; their was no love; he was bringing in young women from the colleges; he was a predator; I did not know any of this when living in my first house; I did not know what he was. However, at the age of 7; he began to reveal a sociopathic personalty within him.
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I could not live with my father because spiritually and morally their was no father; this was a monster; non human... I was not wanted; it was if I was a stranger living in his apartment... He was a sociopath narcissist and many more bad things..

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So; I had no choice but to live with my mother. My mother abruptly sold the house from the good neighborhood I lived in; and she moved to a God forsaken nightmare; a city on the coast that rained all the time. Horrible Horrible place. I went into a state of traumatic shock; I was their for 1 year; I flunked out of school completely; I do not remember most of it or living their; Im not allowed 2; God wont allow it; I remember the bullies; they hit on me the first day and the first moment I entered the school. I was scared and in a complete state of shock... I could not function; nothing; I was almost catatonic. 6 months later The teachers finally told my mother I had to go back to where I came from because I was not able to function in their schools.
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I was sent back to my Grandmothers. And this grandmother is what created my mother the psychopath.
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After a few years living with my Grand parents; I was destroyed on all fronts; I had to leave because I had no protection against sexual abuse.
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I moved back to the coast with my mother; I had no choice. and the innocence in me; not knowing what was happening with all this horror and abuse and traumatic shock; I was hoping to move in with her and start over; and maybe she would be a mother now; or act like it and love me. I was unaware of what she was. I know the symptoms and conditions but I was not aware; completely aware; I was 2 young.
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Between eight grade and ninth grade; I moved back over to the coast; and moved in with my mother; She had a new husband; it would not take long before he swung on me. These were educated people that thought they were superior to others and to me; for I was from an old marriage and she was with a new host that had 2 kids. I was a second class citizen in this place and my step father had been prepped or briefed that I was a trouble maker and worse; this was not unusual for a psychopath to do. The psychopath would find a new host then claim to the new host how the world was against them; how their past children were rotten children and thats why they were not with them... And my mother told her new husband these things; so; when I was living their; he was going to teach me a lesson to get me inline; but more importantly; I was not wanted; My step father had found himself a sweet gem; my mother and was not going to share her with me or anyone else; he was a pencil neck geek and was not giving up this opportunity to be was a good looking women! I guess my mother was beautiful physically and would use that to entrap hosts...
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So; I thought I was in a stable environment when I moved into this house on the coast between 8th and 9th grade. But in reality; nothing was stable. In the end the foundation would fall out from underneath this situation and I would have to leave for I was broken again; like having a massive break down; it was a massive break down; nothing had changed; I ended up as I had ended up before around this psychopaths; I was broken within a years time.
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The girl up the street. I got to know her; this was Gods way of creating an out for me; her family was the out; a relationship with her was the out; a thing God had created. but it would cave in. I was in traumatic shock and when it came time to tell her how I felt; I could not; I was suffering from PTSD; or CPTSD; and I was being triggered by the psychopath and her new family I was living with. And I was being eaten alive from it and getting worse. An event happened with the psychopath when in the car with her that made it clear now; I now knew I was dealing with a psychopath; this was the first time I could see it clearly; I was being thrown away again and all the time; but now I could see it; I could this was clearly a monster of some kind; I did not have the name for it; but I knew this was a monster. Was broken and wounded and wounded again and no where to run or go. My nervous system was over ran and I had to leave; I was not in my right mind. I could not interact with this girl anymore up the street. I had to leave. I had to move away; get out of their; I was in to much traumatic shock; I was overloaded with trauma; real electrical trauma.. I was being overran. Nothing had changed.
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The girl up the street; this girl was sent by God and I to her by God and I would have married her... I saw the potential of what was going on; I was aware of it. My future was with this girl and her family and creating my own family and life with her independent of all these other family systems...
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Why is this story important. I was suffering from dissociative disorder and getting worse with time; CPTSD from the early parts of my life and This girl is the first casualty of this mental condition.
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When I met this girl up the street when living at the coast; My condition was bad but I was trying anything I could to make things work; to reach out; but soon, the pressure was destroying me; and I could no longer reach out to the world anymore or talk; I was being destroyed from trauma; from within.
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SO; I was being destroyed when young; I reached out to God and God brought me a girl to love and that wanted my love; and this would be a departure from the house I was living in. What went wrong; If I had continued with this girl; I would have spent my time with her; confided in her; got to know her parents; dated and married her and rebuild a new life; and thats exactly what God brought me. But what happened? it all fell through.
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What happened with the girl that I loved? I could no longer express myself because of trauma; I went silent and retreated within myself and could not get close to anyone anymore. I was severely in shock. And it would get worse. I would go into a mass depression.. and drug overdoes and have to leave the area. I left because I was not going to live with with this psychopath and her husband anymore.
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I was blocked off inside and could no longer tell anyone anything personal about my life or get close to anyone ever again. and I lost the girl I loved. I lost her from CPTSD; thats what really happened; untreated mental illness do to massive on going trauma; enough trauma to drawn me. And I was constantly being thrown away from every family system I was forced to live with.
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I moved back to my home town and moved in with my best friend; And the same thing happened. I was treated like a trouble maker and a second class citizen; My best friend was no longer a friend; he looked at me as if I was filth and no good. His parents looked at me as if I was filth and no good and stupid. they all looked at me as if I had an IQ of 40; they looked down on me. I was despised or hated their. I wondered; why did they take me in if they hated me; Nothing made any sense. and again; i was destroyed living their; PTSD was now flared up twice as bad as before. And these people has always been this stocked socialite type of people; but I never knew until it was 2 late. I doubt I was ever anyones real friend here; more like someone getting used.
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after a few confusing and heartbreaking years at their house; they told me to leave; claiming I was living of them; claiming I was one of those bad people that try to come into nice decent families like theirs and swindle them out of their goods; I was a bad guy supposedly. Of course; nothing could be further from the truth. However, In the end; that prominent family that despised me when I loved them in return; it will later turn out to be a horror and show. And that mother that despised me; when she is old; her wealthy mansion will turn to a drug dealers den and her own niece will die in its basement from overdosing.... Pure evil they were.
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OK; back to the story; My main goal has been to communicate again up close and personal with people and with women; to attract the write people and women; have conversation and allow emotions to flow; telling each other how we really feel; and Ive done that; Ive gone full circle.
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So; If I was 14; I could walk back up to that girls house; knock on the door and tell her how I feel.. and that has been the corner stone of all my work in loa and blogging; to come back to the present with the inner child aligned with me; working with me and rebuilding my life with Gods help that I become independent in my imagination; and from their be the creator of my own realities.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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