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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Music creating; blocked

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am

Music creation does not feel like its mine; it feels owned by someone else or owned by trauma. I feel dictated to. I feel like music is not my own; is owned; what do I do. When I write this; I see the fake property I came from when young; this was a stop over home for a few moments before the psychopaths left; thats all it was. Remember; psychopaths do not tell you anything; you do not know whats coming next because they do not tell you anything; this is important because they act like everything is OK in their world; and it is; regardless of what happens to you according to them.
If the psychopaths are setting me up to die; they will look calm and collected. They will not give off a signal that something is wrong. They never do; nothing; you have no idea anything is wrong.
I watched TV and thought life would be like a family on TV or a family that lived down the street; so much so; I went down the street to hang out with my friend at his house all day; However, in reality; he ws not my friend; he was a fake; just like the fake neighborhood and fake family and fake house. All of my childhood was a fake; all of it; I was groomed into believing everything was safe and fine; in reality; I was being held over sharks nest on a plank, slowly being walked to my death; and their eyes; the eyes of the psychopaths were watching ever step; grooming every step; all of those steps that would eventually land me in the water; and at the point; the ship would leave and never return. And in the future; if I had to find that ship that abandon me to the sharks and I had to board the ship and live their again; no one claimed to know me; I would be no better then a ships mate like the rest of the workers. I would be treated like a second class citizen, And all this I had to find out through experience.

A complete mistake; because I had no friends in that neighborhood; and the neighborhood was not mine and the neighborhood was not my friend. It was a stark lonely place I was never invited into; those people were not my friends; but I had to try to get out of their; get out of that house I was living in and try for something else. I had to try; I had nothing; it was empty all the time; their was nothing their. I had no idea just how much was not their.
Looking back; my mother was resistant to cook or feed me or anything else; she was resistant; she was doing it to keep her cloak on; disguise. So; I had no choice but to go with it; I call her my “ mother” because of the memories of specifics; washing clothing, or being fed. But she was resistant; I could feel it all the time. all the time. When I was fed; she was pleasing my fathers wishes; not because she was meek; she was putting on an act. IT was all an act.
I was never told by either one it was all an act on anything; Looking back; I wasn’t their; thats why; I was a ghost; I had my own life; I did what I wanted. That would soon stop; And other problems of bulling would start; and that would causes problems; if someone took advantage of me; pushed me around or stole from me; I had no one to help me; I would get angry; and was with out; and they got away with it; the thieves.
I still deal with bulling today; I dealt with it recently; it sucks; I get caught off guard.
Im truly wanting to have my own car so I can go places; but I also want a friend to go places with; My Asian Soulmate. This will take time; its not about her; its about my healing. And coming back to speed. But it is about her.
Back to music;
The music is not present; its not my own; Im not present and dont feel safe; and dont know what to do about it; its been this way all my life; Ive asked the universe for help; but no help comes; I dont understand; if the universe is not going to help me; I will continue to report to you fine people and everywhere I go that the universe will not help me.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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