Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (956)
Archives
- July 2019
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Music creating; blocked

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am

Music creation does not feel like its mine; it feels owned by someone else or owned by trauma. I feel dictated to. I feel like music is not my own; is owned; what do I do. When I write this; I see the fake property I came from when young; this was a stop over home for a few moments before the psychopaths left; thats all it was. Remember; psychopaths do not tell you anything; you do not know whats coming next because they do not tell you anything; this is important because they act like everything is OK in their world; and it is; regardless of what happens to you according to them.
.
If the psychopaths are setting me up to die; they will look calm and collected. They will not give off a signal that something is wrong. They never do; nothing; you have no idea anything is wrong.
.
I watched TV and thought life would be like a family on TV or a family that lived down the street; so much so; I went down the street to hang out with my friend at his house all day; However, in reality; he ws not my friend; he was a fake; just like the fake neighborhood and fake family and fake house. All of my childhood was a fake; all of it; I was groomed into believing everything was safe and fine; in reality; I was being held over sharks nest on a plank, slowly being walked to my death; and their eyes; the eyes of the psychopaths were watching ever step; grooming every step; all of those steps that would eventually land me in the water; and at the point; the ship would leave and never return. And in the future; if I had to find that ship that abandon me to the sharks and I had to board the ship and live their again; no one claimed to know me; I would be no better then a ships mate like the rest of the workers. I would be treated like a second class citizen, And all this I had to find out through experience.
.

A complete mistake; because I had no friends in that neighborhood; and the neighborhood was not mine and the neighborhood was not my friend. It was a stark lonely place I was never invited into; those people were not my friends; but I had to try to get out of their; get out of that house I was living in and try for something else. I had to try; I had nothing; it was empty all the time; their was nothing their. I had no idea just how much was not their.
.
Looking back; my mother was resistant to cook or feed me or anything else; she was resistant; she was doing it to keep her cloak on; disguise. So; I had no choice but to go with it; I call her my “ mother” because of the memories of specifics; washing clothing, or being fed. But she was resistant; I could feel it all the time. all the time. When I was fed; she was pleasing my fathers wishes; not because she was meek; she was putting on an act. IT was all an act.
.
I was never told by either one it was all an act on anything; Looking back; I wasn’t their; thats why; I was a ghost; I had my own life; I did what I wanted. That would soon stop; And other problems of bulling would start; and that would causes problems; if someone took advantage of me; pushed me around or stole from me; I had no one to help me; I would get angry; and was with out; and they got away with it; the thieves.
.
I still deal with bulling today; I dealt with it recently; it sucks; I get caught off guard.
.
Im truly wanting to have my own car so I can go places; but I also want a friend to go places with; My Asian Soulmate. This will take time; its not about her; its about my healing. And coming back to speed. But it is about her.
.
.
.
Back to music;
The music is not present; its not my own; Im not present and dont feel safe; and dont know what to do about it; its been this way all my life; Ive asked the universe for help; but no help comes; I dont understand; if the universe is not going to help me; I will continue to report to you fine people and everywhere I go that the universe will not help me.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 235 times

Who is online

Registered users: ArchCannon, Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], CULTLEADER77, DaturaInnoxia, DouglasStync, Exabot [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, grace571, IainEtc, Majestic-12 [Bot], MakersDozn, MeUnknown, SomethingSane, Tommy2, Tyler, VioletFlux