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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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Music

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 18, 2020 1:39 am

I started out in life loving music and wanting to play instruments; of course this never happened because of the psychopaths I was living with.
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later; when I had to move around to house to house with people that looked down on me and thought I was filth trash. I was not allowed to be me; to be myself; I was suppose to play this weirdo nothing slave like character; this loser that was suppose to look up to that like they were my massa- Yez- massa- No! Massa-; what ever you say massa- Like I was a slave from the 17th century.
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My ability to be free was silenced; I could not longer play music or be he depth filled person I was born to be; it was all taken; all of my identity was ruled out. I was ruined. And my thoughts concerning music and playing an instrument are all mangled and broken up; I have to work with God to change them so I can be myself again; this will take some work...
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I find I dissociate everything Ive written above.... It goes away... Im trying hold on to it. Its not easy....
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Bulling;
I want to get over bulling. I have bad faces and things from the past. I didn't ask for it; and I dont know how to process it accept through emir and new visualizations; changing my thinking....
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Its hard to change my thinking but Im willing to do it; ive been holding on to memories that I had not seen for a long time within myself. and Its all I had but they were fake people I was associating with.
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So; I have allot of bad people that got away with murder concerning me... Im in pain. Lots of overwhelming pain.
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I have to get rid of this fear of attack or that I can be used and bowled over so easily; Like I cannot protect myself; and is all PTSD.. Im getting their; Im dealing with a horrible thing right now to get over this; its tied into my early childhood and through my early 20s and more...... Unbelievable.
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Im not sure what to do about bulling; I have to or want to get over it.... it hurts; the humiliation.
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Im trying to come back to being the real me. its hard; I dont want to be closed out....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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