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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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moving through a wall

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Feb 25, 2014 11:49 pm

Im on the other side of the wall; the inside... Im knocking on it! busting on it! smashing on it, yelling at it! Im trying to move my arm through it! Im trying to move beyond it. The key is; do not skip processing the past information. The past information has to do with memories of family. And this was stolen from me; it is hard to look at! I will look at it. This will be hard.

The idea of someone stealing my family experience is a form of Genocide. Thus, such things are brought about by sociopaths that were charge. It is most unfortunate this occurred. However, such things do happen. Things like this happen oversees and in other poorer countries all the time, and it has happened to me.

The idea is: break this down, and accept things.. accept that many things happen to people, and it happened to me. I must know Im safe. this is very important! I need to know that what happened to me in the past is not happening now! This is most important to me! It is everything to me.

I want to reach out and grab my parents and be safe, rap them around me and be protected, knowing Im loved and safe at home. Knowing the sociopaths can't get me! knowing I won't be destroyed by remorseless crooked sycophants. That no one would think of coming into my middle class American home and steal me away or take my life from me; such things are bad children's dreams. I am safe, I have relatives and friends and a nice simple way of life in my neighborhood. I have friends down the street. I go skiing or snowmobiling in the winter with my father! he spends time in the basement building shelving for his skies.

I can wait to go to the lake again this year for vacation... I have 2 older brothers that I love with all my heart! And we build tree houses outside in the trees. The backyard has a double room build under the tree... the tree in front my other brother build. It has green shag carpet; it has three decks. Each deck you must climb the wooden planks. Each plank; one on top of the other to the next level.

My best friend lives down the street. We always tandem together on his families double bike; every saturday and other times. We spend most of our time together doing stuff; usually at his house. carving things, making tree forts, or riding our bikes places: out to the local slide.

I love to go to my uncles ranch and hear and see my cousins. I like to play in the old buildings, and play on the combines; chase whirlwinds in the wheat fields. I drive with my cousin at times to the nearest small town and have a coke; driving the old 1950's truck!

Im good at school and can't wait until snow fall, and the christmas specials... I love to rake leaves with my father,,, I love to go bowling with my friends. I love halloween stuff at school. I love to day dream...

And many other things I dream of and love!

Then it happens...

In a second, it is no more and I am no more! The sociopaths have destroyed everything. They are not from the outside. they are from the inside. They are my parents! and now everything will change. I will be abandon, the friends gone! I will later be raped! and treated like a second class hostage... My father we leave, or secretly escape. He will never return. He is no better then a rapist! I did not know this growing up!

I will never see my relatives again and I will not want to; my opinion of these people will change. My opinion of all will change.

I am now outcast from my best friends house and from him. I am now outcast from the school system I lived.
I am not wanted by mother ever again. Although I am forced to live with her over n over at different times; I am not wanted and never was! and this is not out of character for a women or mother sociopath. Not all abusive mothers are sociopaths and non sociopaths may never talk to there kids again because the mother is abusive. However, a sadistic sociopath might not mind if you spend a few months with them! They might have there own agenda, and since no conscious exists just EGO; it might not bother them. I did bother my mother because I was a test tube for her sadistic nature; and those people don't like looking at there past victims; they want to move on!

----------------------------

Primary goal at this point!

1. Clean clothing/ and new clothing when needed

2. clutter free and clean apartment; 1 room relapse; the bed room. The solution; big plastic containers with lids. I get a couple of those thrown around the room, and I always have something to throw things in and close the lid; its a start!

3. stay in shape. Well. Its about weight gain and lifting weights. Lucky, I have most of it down. I just have to participate a bit more; I mountain bike all the time! Im a few pounds over weight and need to watch it! Im consistent with this stuff so it will be OK. It gets hard when you don't want to lift anymore and your gaining weight. I know I have to get back in the gym and start walking again and cut the food intake; it sucks.

4. Art activities; PTSD problems and psychological hardness play a huge factor. I can't sit down and concentrate. I do not feel safe; I feel restless. ITs hard.

6. Conversation as hobby. I believe the next big break is conversation. Conversation requires clean clothing, well groomed and apartment clean! and lots n lots of studying and practice. I need scripts and sets... The scripts are practice things. Im not going to throw a script at a person, as If Im rehearsing for a play!

social Sets are important; they allow a 45 minutes worth of material I can depend on incase I freeze up! and its important for backup! comedians use sets when on stage for there performances.

Im heading towards letting go of mom n DAD. IT will be possible! I will have to bridge the cap between my childhood and teen years. I will have to sift through my teen years; what a horrible nightmare! and it was because I could not protect myself and no one cared about me; I had no support at any level. No protection; I was destroyed before I got started.

Im attempting to come out of childhood and teen years and 2o,s on my own! At this time Im using the community for help; there is no personal family systems.
-----

All my life I dreamed about social, and interactions and relationship. nothing ever happened. It was stuffed down my throat. ITs horrible that I was alone from the first day of my life until now! its gruesome and inhumane.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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