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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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A gift from God #2
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The Gift from God…
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2 goals; elements of accomplishment
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Work Ethic is Needed Please
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Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

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Moving onward

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm

Physical touch! As I visualize physical touch; I start screaming in pain; this; when thinking about touching women in my imagination; running my hands all over their bodies... It makes me wonder what happened to me that I cant tolerate or remember; I can remember plenty; I went through ritualistic rape and other things when very young; to young to remember much; and later having my rights taken from me over n over n over n over n over; and that may have more to do with it; but its being raped when 10 or 11 to 13 and in their; my whole life pulled to pieces by criminal psychopaths I was forced to live with and then more of them; from house to house; not knowing what was going to happen to me.. I didnt know. Anyway; lots of bad stuff. Left me mentally Ill. Clinical depression; Dissociative disorder CPTSD and so on…. Agoraphobia AVPD…
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The good news; good things are happening….
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After going through bad things when 10 13; I moved away; I kind of came back to life for a while; I met a girl; I was 14; I loved her with all my heart but could not physically touch her; could not handle that reality; But at the same time; I was also able to make out with young women my age at parties when I was 14. So; I was able to get physical.
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Later in the present; or adult years;
In my deepest problems with dissociative disorder; I was also at times able to get physically intimate with women. The problem; I was not able to date the women I really liked or get involved with them. I was not able to get intimate with them; scared me to death that I was not good enough for them; I would be compared to others; not be able to match up. I didnt need anymore put downs... Also; was I really meeting the women I really wanted to marry or have relationships with; no! that was also a problem.

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Im getting closer.
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Im a work in progress.
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every week I make progress in the present….
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Ill try to begin writing from a different time period now.
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3 months ago; And ive all ready written about this numerous times but it keeps growing.
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First; the main goal is to be connected to relationships with others; meaning a girlfriend. I guess I would say; to fall in love with the process of getting a girlfriend; Its more then about a girlfriend; its the strength in process; its about facing the smaller minds in the world and working through them to get what I want. Its learning how to follow God and many other things. Its about connecting in the process; getting the wires to send a solid signal from beginning to end…
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S0; 3 months ago in the park; the meetings were moved to the park; some of them. I attended those meetings and saw a girl I liked; ( women) I liked; but I would not say anything to her; to shy and withdrawn and nervous and scared; fright; mainly dissociative disorder causing problems;' avoidance personality disorder.. and so on.... I just stayed to myself with my own thoughts.
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She was being persuade by another guy and allowing it; I was horrified and didnt understand; I thought she liked me. But I never hit on her or told her how I felt; I was a stranger on the side lines who never spoke up... A secret admirer I guess. To shy to even think about going out with someone. Ive been this way all my life. And I never got an adolescence stage; so; no man development into teenage years; nothing; and the teenage years were cut off or cut short and no development. I was completely withdrawn and dissociative. Lots of bad things will happen to me and sadness and more horror and betrayal and being thrown away and discarded...
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However, in the original teenager years; for a little while; I was able to be a teenager; make out with girls my age; try to create girlfriends and play in a rock band and be popular; I tried; I succeeded for a little while but soon all things came to an end…and I was back being dissociative and alone again…
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In the park at the meetings;
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So; I was mad; I thought this was my soulmate; she is exactly whats on my vision board from several years before... And she responded to me and came up to me and said hello to me several times but I was stunned and in shock and said nothing back. From the dream state to the real state was 2 much for me... And Ill remain this way through out the rest off the year; never really ever interacting with this person for any real reasons of importance... meaning; Im a stranger who has a crush on someone; is that possible; is that real; does that make sense; but I kept it to myself and observed at times and never got involved. And this will continue through out the year. The girl is fairly gone at this point; I rarely hear of her or see her and probably will never see her again. I did allow myself to fall in love with her from a safe position far away and in a deep deep place within myself; I assumed God put it on my heart to love her unconditionally; Im still not sure why; her inner essence; something about her; the way she moved…? She was so beat up at that point within the recovery process when I first saw her; coming off drugs or what ever she was into; I dont know... But what ever it was; and altho she looked like a drowning rat from the ocean who could not put a sentence together; I loved her with all my heart; and I dont know why. Just all heart... even now; its so powerful. Ive taken this to God and I think; attempting any interaction with her; this is to manly for me; I dont have the strength to get involved with someone like this; its over my head I guess. She needs a different kind of man then a sensitive art guy like me. Im kind of a fake. Im brutal from the pain of dissociative disorder but not really a street thug; altho Ive been angry enough to be one; but that does not make me a street tuff; experience makes a street fighter; nothing else and those people have been physically fighting someone all their lives since birth... So; its way out of my league. She seemed more like a women; I more like a little boy.,... So; Ill pass... Ill go back too my art work where its safe. And this may be a character flaw of mine; kind of a coward; I am. Im working on it tho. Im not expecting to just go up to a women like this and ask her out. Im looking to start out at much simpler means; but first I have to be connected again to the human race; and Ill talk about that in a minute. Asking her out; shes the kind of girl you need a car and a life and some status; all I had was immature problems….
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Anyway; Im in this park watching this; Im trapped within myself or Im within myself and cant really interact openly; dissociative disorder causing the problem. I can only watch or choose to only watch. I'm watching this women I like being picked up by other men and its breaking my heart to death but its also alarming me that something is wrong…. Maybe my interest in her is just a passing fantasy and should have only lasted a few minutes and then im off into other things; This should have never been something on going in my mind or nervous system. But my condition is conducive to such things… She gave me a chance several times to interact with her; I was to nervous and never did; I went silent; finally she passed on me… And soon I saw her merriering other guys and trying to get their attention. I was old news or out before I started; so i passed.. But in my fantasy; I didnt want to; I wanted her… but the girl in my head was safe….
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ANway; Im watching this and getting sick to my stomach; I finally start speaking up about my opinions of things; its my time to share. I start talking about marriage and what Im looking for. God puts it on my heart to start thinking in terms of what I want from a marriage…. I have all new thoughts. And for a month I talk about it in the park during these meetings.
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The first thoughts are
She must be
Safe
Obedient to her own heart.
Submissive to prayer to God to ro God…
Faithful
Loyal
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So; I started with these things; this was a new way for me to Think; it took allot of work to go from what she looked like; what kind of eduction; how smart she should be; is she an artist and so forth. I made my way into looking at her character and values. So; this was new for me.
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So; everything starts their; at that point. This was three months ago.
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Im trying to remember the time line of events..
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At this time period;
I end up with a friend of mine talking in his truck and playing disk golf…. We talk about women and recovery; and the theme is; “ I need to move on beyond the meetings back into the real world; the outside world to find a wife; not from the meetings”; And I knew this.. And I had been working on it in general but now it was becoming more specific… And my friend was spelling it out for me; so I took this information in and analyzed it.
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I walked away from the meetings for a few months; it was hurting me to much to see these people together; the girl I liked and this guy; her new boyfriend . And I knew their would be no future with that women at this point; Id never really trust her ever again nor get near her for any reason at this point. I knew she had a base interest in me at one point and she did not honer any of it; regardless of the legal rights for her to have romance with anyone she chooses; she can; but it doesn't make it morally OK; and this was not morally OK. in the process of what she did; she lost me; Id never return to her and this was a door she shut on her own for ever; she knew what she was doing. In a sense; she shut the door on God… But maybe she was never with God; I thought she was for the first 5 months I observed her; but then I was silent around her; I never talked to her… And this is important; all I ever had was eye contact at times and nothing more…. So; their it is…. a kind of breathless fantasy…. I guess God wanted me to go through this for some reason; maybe to wake up.
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As of right now;
As of right now; Ive been moving on from this for a while now. Shes still in my mind but Im not so sure how much of my heart buys this anymore; Its been past tense for awhile; or maybe it never really started; I saw to much betrayal and my heart is or has moved on; now my mind must follow but it doesn't want to. Or the child in me doesn't want to move on; he wants her back but he does not see the adult things I see; the truth that she is not what i thought she was; she is a complete stranger I probably never really understood or knew. She is not what I thought she was; she is a complete stranger in every word… so; better to move on from something that never existed in the first place. Keep silent and quite and move on.
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Ok; back to the story.
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THe next development…
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Im trying to remember.
Yes! I want to take my recovery to the outside world. So; the next step God showed me. Ill need a group of men to call my own gang or tribe that will help me grow up and grow outward; and that is what started to happen. I started to open up to friends and become deeper friends with guys from the groups Im in; I did not have to go outside into the world to find them they were right their in my back yard.
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The phone; the beginning use of this contraption for any good purpose; so; I had to keep by the phone and check it regularly when people called; I never had to do that before because no one was calling; they are calling now and Ill keep working with the universe for more of them to show up…
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After developing some friends.. I began to show up at their houses and talk and go places with them; call them and ask for rides and I did….
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Next; calling men to go have coffee. And I did and it was really hard… Its better now. Now I have men I coffee with and some I talk on the phone with and some I visit their houses..
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Next level of development; The discussion of having a car. Not sure when it started; but I started bringing up the need or desire for wheels; first time in my life. A friend is a mechanic and he knew everything and so; I have good information of cars and what to look for….
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Next level up; The discussion of the adolescent period with my friends…. And asking friends to go play disc golf from other meetings; and I was and have been… And we talk about adolescents stuff; stuff that helps me develop..
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Next; Going out to coffee; more calling for coffee dates and the beginning of talking to women of quality about women and how I really feel about women. And this started and I begin to open up to people and they began to see a side of me they did not know.
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Next;
The general idea was to work with God to get me out of the meetings and asking new women out; not women like my mother; but women with a nice middle class personalty the equaled myself; my own personality. In the past I was always asking women out that had no value to me and it went nowhere… I was asking women out that were like my mother…. And it was always a disaster. but i would never ask out women I really liked ever…. I could make out and have sex with the wrong women; but never be able to feel worthy to touch the women I actually wanted or liked.
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So; three weeks ago; Im asking people out for coffee. and one morning I decide to go to the bank; I ride my bike; after my business at the bank I ride away; but hear a women say hello to me. I say hello and keep going; then I see who it is and I get this feeling; go back and ask her out. So; I went back to her and asked her out. “ have coffee with me” I say. She response with a Thank you but she is in a committed relationship/almost married; we talked about it for a it; she was hurt when younger and really found someone that cared about her. What was marvelous about this; the fact I responded from God so fast and asked her out on the spot; this was not a women like my mother; this was a healthy women in personality and she was like me not like my psychopathic mother or the psychopaths from the meetings; she was a middle class women; that kind I could not ask out before. So; a true connection had been made in the middle class; I was heading back into society; finally.
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So; I crossed the divide into the general middle class again; I was back; or the start of it. This is represented by the women I asked out…. This is the real beginning. And it took 2 weeks to accomplish; I went from 11 years old to 14 years old or 15; in 2 weeks.
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Allot of my success is do to my staying of success based thinking process; the base is Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. Next is laws of attraction work and loa coaches.
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Next; and it still continues.
Cars and more cars; more n more looking at cars….
Im now looking at more n more cars for sale working with God on what I want.
As Im working on it Im ending up at a friends more n more talking bout women and cars and learning more n more and helping others..
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My friend said; if I want a wife and car and many other things; start helping others and praying to be helpful on a daily basis. And so Ive been praying for such things and hanging out with others that are helping others; making myself available. This was not possible in the past do to dissociative disorder and CPTSD; but I still have those problems; Im growing a new part of myself for the outside world; God is creating it.
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So; a definition of my future wife from my past three months up to that point.
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First
Her heart and my heart blending; both locked together; both hearts best friendship. Our hearts hooked to each other and God….. Soulmates
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And a new things have come to me;
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My future wife; And I saw myself in my car going skiing with her in my imagination; and God told me and I felt it; I would be her teacher and her father. and God said; I would be much more then that. I would be every role; Father sister aunt uncle brother; cousin teacher; you name it; all of them. In general; I would be her Care giver; I would be that person that gives her Care; that person that loves her and cares about her where no one else did or ever saw her real worth.
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I would be the guy that finds her; finds who she is deep inside. No one loved her; not her mother or father or other family members so no one ever saw the inside of her or cared and I would; I would find her and see her as a jewel. and undiscovered jewel. And i would love her all of her; just like I loved my first love that I lost when 14.
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God was bringing me back from age 11 to 14 where I would start over again learning how to love someone who needed to be love; I would gather the energy from God and being in my man tribe and go out from their; And it happened; I asked out a women in the real world; and thus completed the start of it; and it started from the man tribe; learning that men had my back and were my friends; but I had to be a friend. And learn what that meant. And from their coffee dates with people of all kinds and phone dates; talking to people…
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And finally the opportunity presented to me to ask a women out as this new person and I did.
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Now; God told me; she; my future wife would be someone that prays to God all the time on her knees and where would I find such a women; would i find her with the pretty people in fancy churches on Sunday mornings in my home town; no! She would be in old Cathedrals in places like Ireland; she would be praying in the basements of such places; maybe wearing a nuns outfit; what ever that means…. you would never see her;’ she would be unknown to most people; maybe someone from poverty; that is where I would find my wife; she would be on her knees praying as Im on my knees praying; that is what i would have in common with her; her heart and my heart hooked together as one with God before we meet….
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And when I was out having coffee with a friend in the middle of a closed street of business where chairs and tables had been set up. I could look up and see the women cross in front of me; 6 feet in front of me. And I realized; the ability to meet educated women and call them and talk to them on a nightly basis was only 6 feet away from me. Its only a matter of time and work before God sends the right instructions and opportunities for me to presented with the opportunity to meet these women; thus getting phone numbers and calling them.. And from calling them and talking to them; asking them out; and from this a girlfriend….
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We will see. Im not sure how this will happen yet; who will be contacting me that I meet these people. Its like an Ocean that comes in with the tide; the tide comes in and with it my new life and connections; all I do is pray for it and imagine it and want it and it will come; it will show up; it will start to show up….
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And all of this is important because my middle class life is coming back from nowhere; from nothing but my imagination and hard work. I got nothing from the people or places or things of the past for it was all erased as I was erased; so; Ive had to start from ground up or less then that was an idea and Im now about 6 feet away. And when I regain the ability to have relationships with middle class people again and middle class women and have a wife; No one will ever be able to take this away from me ever again for I have earned it and it came from no house or neighborhood or group of people watching over me; It came from me.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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