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OMNICELL
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Moving on; She's not loyal person; ill Wait for another

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:13 am

I chose to like her; God sent her to me. She was in shambles when I met her. But I liked her. and I finally accepted her; altho I never talked to her... She tried to talk to me. Later she got better looking over time; really better looking.... shocking. She had been a Cheerleader in college.
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When she got close to me I could see she liked me and I was her soulmate but I could not respond to her because of dissociative disorder. I did not like the attention she gave me and all the other guys. and ignored that she was doing it. Meaning; I notice through the time that I knew her; I was not special enough to her to stop giving other men attention. But I was special to her but she continued to give other men attention anyway; And this move needed to be corrected; but that was not my business; God did not send me to her for me to correct her... She must won't what God has sent her bad enough to fight for it; but she did not.... She just wanted her cake and to eat it to and it didnt work.
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I was mostly silent in my head about everything; you would have not known I even knew her or she me; but I did... I knew her enough to pull back until it broke her enough to start asking questions of why I was pulling away from her. She never got the message because she didnt have to and didnt care; and that was the point of the test; and I pulled back even further.... And God was watching the whole time. And that was the best I could do with dissociative disorder; clam up and run away and hide and stay silent. And in the beginning she would run after me in a away; a very non noticeable way; but I noticed; it seemed to make her more curious. But later my signals were to stay away for good; I dismissed her.
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I finally pulled completely back.... because I saw a new man innocently enter the picture and saw she was giving him body language attention from across the room. Because of that; I stopped everything and completely shut her out completely; And as I expected; it got worse... And they hooked up; but not on grounds; offline where no one could see them. But I knew
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She tried to talk to me; but I wanted nothing to do with her... no conversations please; silently I said to myself. When she talked to me was as if she was single and had not gotten into a relationship; she was hiding it and acting like nothing was wrong.... Im not stupid; I walked away and really at this point; wanted absolutely nothing to do with her.
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ITs over now; what ever this was.
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This was a soulmate brought to me by God as I had asked for; and it was the next major experience forward. in the beginning I learned many things with her; mainly how to finally see someone I liked or was attracted to and start talking to her little by little and finally taking her off alone and talking with her. Altho I was technically never really alone with her; she always had a wing girl with her or a crowd; but at least I went up to her and asked her to go talk; but I still managed to make it kind of personal in conversation. But that idea of a wing girl she had; it ruined all of it for me. I could have proceeded but I refused because im better then this. I didnt have to feel the openness of someone listening in on our conversations.

However, I re learned how to interact up close and personal with women who are attractive; ones I liked that made me nervous. And after accomplishing this; it was truly over....
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Going out on social events; she sat with me at one point and it made me nervous and I shut down; for variety of reasons; I felt like a third grader; I was nervous; but also because other men were around; everyone was wearing swimming clothing... And it was 2 much for me... This girl I liked was right up next to me just like that; no warning. But the problem was; she was also giving other guys attention; and that destroyed everything completely. She gave me more attention and I could look in her eyes and she wanted me to love her; but then at the same time; she's sharing herself with others in a popular way; Im like; this Is kind of a disgrace to me.... She is authentic in her feelings with me; id been up around her before and she felt rejected; but never asked herself why she was being rejected; for that I will never talk to her again. And I basically never did. This was always taken to God the whole time; every minute I was praying.
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As she continued to interact with this other guy; finally at a meeting in the park as another women was talking to me she walked up and tried to talk to me; I refused and walked off. later from a distance she with her friends said she dropped my bike and was sorry... I looked at her like. " you would choose to talk to me directly about nothing; just a dropped bicycle'; I just mumbled something; Then she went off on me because I refused any personal interaction... and I walked away and then I put more walls up because I knew her confidence was coming from her being with this other guy; and their it is again; she's up close with me but has other relationships in the background where you cant see them. Sad deal for me...
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At the end of one of these meetings in the park; I could hear them talking personalty to each other about making a date; they did it right in front of me. I just got out of there.
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From that time on completely walls up; no contact; nothing for good.
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I told someone about this; they said; " You sound like a real nice person who is being taken advantage of". they were right sorta.
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I did not have an opportunity with her ever because of monkey branching and infidelity potential on her part and it was over before it started; but I was able to learn and watch and participate as well as possible; remember im disabled from interacting with others; cpTsd and dissociative disorder.
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I can speak from a chair quite well; but cannot interact very well; and its a thousand times harder with a women that likes me that is beautiful and my soulmate.
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she was my soulmate who did not get what she wanted so she changed lanes on her own soulmate; I did not; I clammed up and would continue to until she changed her ways and asked why I was not interacting with her; she should have asked and found out why; she knew I was her soulmate. Instead of the truth; she picked forms of adultery; And because of that is was permanently over.
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she knows nothing about me or how I feel about her; ive told no one; she knows from looking in my eyes; she knows we were meant for each other; she would have been my wife... she was suppose to be; but would not bow down and get inline with me nor God... Because she wouldn't humble herself I could never learn to trust her and thus never get near her; I stayed away. Instead of correcting this; she simply went the other direction flirting with another guy until building a relationship with him.
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When I see her now; nothing; its like we are complete strangers and we are; The universe brought her to show what the universe can do and how it does it. Altho I saw the natural love in her eyes and face for me; I never bought into to it because she laced it was hypergamous convenience loyalty; She liked me when things went right but when they went wrong; she gave me a certain amount of time to come out of it and then moved on; but she never talked to God about it because God does not bring me this kind of person for a relationship. She created the problem in the first place because she is not loyal; but her feelings for me were and she was my soulmate; but its not enough; if your a women; you must bow down and get inline with me and I will get inline with God. No one gave her permission to change lanes and get involved with another man when God put both of us to gather; their is a name for this; "Pure Evil"
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I saw the love in her eyes and watched it come and go; it never amounted to anything because she ruined it with her behavior and her refusal to look at her own behavior and correct it and find out about mine.
Her boy friend asked me a few questions out of the blue one day; I didnt really know him all that well; he asked me if I had resentments against him. He had no idea I knew anything about her or him together or about me... nothing. How nice; nice couple they make. sickening.
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As this other women from online once said to me. I seem like a nice person; way to nice for this sick nonsense; to be around these people.
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ive said my goodbyes of her to myself. all things im writing about no one knows about; its all my own feelings; I have been vurtually silent for the last 8 months while all this has been going on. No one even knows I liked her or she liked me; no one; nothing. It never developed but I was able to get more precious interactions with women close up from this; and thats as good as gold for when my next soulmate shows up.
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I was riding my bike today; and happy because I know my next soulmate is showing up; I can feel it; and at some point all of this is going to come to gather and im going to actually date someone again.
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Most of my writing about women are about working through what happened to me when 14; to be able to date again and be in relationships again; and each new person God brings me takes me closer to this process in my life.
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ive been disabled from relationships; never believing id ever be in one again; so any kind of normal experiences with a women are like gold; it means im coming back to normal. God continues to send one women after the other to work with. I gain a little more experience and then they discard me as not ready for a relationship or as a weirdo; basically as a waist of time; not worth pursuing or putting energy into.... they then blame me for not pursuing them and claim I just walked away from them or meandered away.
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I await yet another women to see what happens this time. im learning. the problem is; it takes months and months for me to trust and open up. I dont want to open up to the wrong person; I have to step back for months sometimes and evaluate what is going on to see if I can trust the person; watch their behavior.

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This last situation is a good example; by becoming nothing; absolute nothing value; she did not stay with me; she was not loyal; she covertly switched lanes with her feet while she kept a smile on her face looking at me.... one might say; metaphorically speaking.
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So; I await the next women to come along. Im praying for someone that is loyal and safe and trustworthy.
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I want someone who is obedient to their alignment with God and the truth. Someone who is submissive to God and the truth.....
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Non of these women ever ask questions of who I am; they just like me; or are my soulmates. But when things dont work out for them; they never try to correct themselves and their behavior; They dont care because they are good looking enough; they can switch lanes very quickly and be with another man that altho spoiled and self centered and narcissistic a bit; they feel is a better match for them; to bad God never told them that; but maybe he did... I dont know.
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ITs all on speculation; all of this; maybe it never happened; any of it. meaning; all of what im reporting is in my head. nothing has ever been outside. As for this women; she has barely ever talked to me ever in 8 months. She may see nothing but a silent stranger that never got or gets close to her and nothing more. And I am the silent stranger who never gets close to anyone and no one cares; and neither did this girl. In fact; she seems like all of them; they wait for attention; if I dont give it to them; they are gone.... They can act away they want it seems; no conscious not ethics; no principles no values; nothing; and im suppose to respond like nothing is wrong... Well; that didnt happen.

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The point is; I made my silent goodbyes to this person and this experience; im out and now free to await the next experience and I hope one of these people is my wife.... this is getting tiring

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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