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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/moving_into_life_b-14731_sid-dbd18d2c0a30980ee55c1594e60b5a25.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Jun 17, 2022 12:30 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Moving into life |
I look at my struggle in several areas and time frames. However, I can break down my interest in life into 2 areas; First; breaking down the walls into life; Next; once the walls are broken down and Ive established a ground footing; The next step is living my life; creating magic; a a magical expression; Living life; So; its 2 areas of life for me right now; Breaking into the ground of life; creating a foothold within life. Next step; creating a real living life of expression and fulfillment on top of those footings; that solid established ground. . Ive accomplished the basics for the first segment of interest toward life; I; with the universes help; have broken down the walls that kept me from life.. Ive broken down several walls; thus proving it can be done. I spent more then half my life trapped behind numerous walls unable to move; as if in a strait jacket freeze mode... . I have successfully broken down several walls. . After breaking down walls; I experimented a bit. I got used to my footing on the ground. . Here is an example of breaking down a wall and establishing footing on the ground. Leaning to play guitar. . For most of my life I could not play guitar; I had to many anxiety disorder walls surrounding it. To much failure and PTSD entrapping it. However, within the recovery process and learning how to think like successful people; I used my skills and learning and the universe and I broke through. I had a goal; I learned the basic proficient of playing the guitar I wanted to play chords smoothly from one chord to another and to strum correctly and with style and thus be able to use the guitar anytime I wanted as a song writing tool. When practicing I always used a metronome. And; I did it!!!! I learned how to play guitar up to that level of basic song writing ability. I will always have the choice to play the guitar if I feel like it; If I stop for a year I can always pick it up where I left off. I wont pick it up as a novice; The experience will be more like a serious beginning student or a bit more then that maybe; just enough that Ive got the basics down enough to practice and get better any time I choose. I dont have to go through the beginning novice introduction period; and I think that lasts about a year. . And the guitar example is a perfect example of breaking through a trauma wall... . Several examples of breaking through the wall. With breaking down several walls that trapped me; I became open to socialize more, create art; play the piano again with some direction; start writing lyrics for my songs when I decide to write them; work in progress. And many other areas have become opened... And this is examples of being present and creating a future; co creating with my higher power and inner being. And this is the first goal in life; this example of breaking through several areas of interests that I have mentioned. . THe next goal in life is to LIVE. This means creating magic on top of the basic foundation in life I created. Here is an example of creating a life; not just smashing down walls. . Ill use the guitar example again. As Ive mentioned before; I broke through walls that allowed access to learning how to play the guitar. However; Now I would like to create new guitar passages expressed on that guitar foundation. I would like to write songs on that guitar; go out and perform on that guitar. Live and love on that guitar; Am I making my self clear? Can one see the direction Im going that describes living my life vs just breaking down walls... . Im now at that place; that Ending Point; to a new Starting Point. The next level of the journey or trek or venture; the second half. A place at the end of the island; hard to reach... a remote spot; the end of cliff; the jumping off point. the point from which something is begun. Im heading toward living my life and its hard and its scares me. The interactions with people and places and things scares me; the commitment to be good at something in life scares me. A gap resides from where the raft stops at the edge of the shore and the land beyond the sandy beach; Some walking is required and I call that the gap; the gap within no mans land; a very lonely place that needs to be shor'd up. . . Im starting the second half of my journey into reality. . This is what I know; Ive never accomplished anything in reality; And for good reason; I was never established at anything independently. . I do not know how to make money. So; I would be learning for the first time. . So; Now that Ive got some stability; working with a higher power; recovery and some cash from the state; I have a marginal but seemingly worth-standing base for development. . The next level of life at this point; . Working with the universe to obtain; 1. house 2. truck 3. career 4. money 5. vacations 6. wife 7. use of talents and hobbies. 8. losing weight . What does all this mean; It means several things. First; it means some things are realistic physical goals; house, truck; stuff like that. Some goals are metaphorical psychological spiritual goals; love, acceptance; happiness. Some things seems in the middle; The creating of music, the creating of art.. . I still want to be a science fiction writer and a writer of ghost stories. . How long will it take to be mature enough working with the universe to obtain a truck; 5 years? Maybe. Could be more; I hope not. I have to remember; IVe never done it before; Im just starting out for the first time and Have no experience or maturity in the real world obtaining a truck. This is very important. In addition; my past dysfunction is still present. So; this slows things way way down... Im trying to make a point. Im fine! Im a work in progress in an area Ive never dealt before. Am I behind the general normee's in society; yes; by a long shot... Is that OKE; Yes; its OKE. . Ive mentioned trucks. Ill also mention women and dating... Same thing. I dont know how to get a date; Ive never gotten a date with someone l liked or wanted to go out with. Ive never dealt with those emotions before; putting them on the line exposed; open, unmasked, unsealed, brought to light, laid bare, on display, unhidden, unsheltered, uncovered, unprotected. Just; kind of innocent and very young base emotions on the line; no protection and exposed that Im going after something... . Im clueless dealing with the real world and following through. Ill be practicing for the first time how to ask people out in the real world; ( people I sincerely want to go out with), Who knows what to expect?; certainly Ill work with the universe on this... This will take real world development and practice; How long will it take? I dont know; a few years when Im sincerely working at it. I guess. . And the same can be said for money... Ive never gone after money as a subject... Ive talked to my higher power about; but never been well enough to be functioning in that part of reality. Ill keep working with the universe on it. . . The point of this Essay; Im starting out with no experience into something absolutely new. This can cause mental breakdowns for me.. In my past; any interactions at this level causes such dissociation I would become ruptured; my personality. I would no longer be present anymore. . . Am I creating the right picture for the reader; I don't have to win at impressing anyone in life; or going fast or equal to the middle class'rs in life; concerning doing well. just making it to this place; this starting over or starting in the real world for the first time; just making it to this place is a miracle. And Im praying as I experiment with all this that I don't decompensate from reality through mental break downs. In the past; I would never be able to get close to something real. That's what's changing; Im getting better at attempting to get close to something real. . So; Im heading into a new realm of reality. . . I tried reality long before I was put on social security; I was ran into the ground and destroyed; I had never heard of recovery before at that time period. I was all alone trying to do what I thought everyone does; but I was completely traumatized and knocked out from what I had gone through when young. I just wanted to do what was right. I was so mentally sick and not present I would never have any success at anything...( I could hardly move), I was in a massive state of dissociation and it will get worse. . . Here is another example of moving forward in reality. . I like creating Art work; I tried to break through into Art work; creating it again. After numerous years; I broke through and was able to create again freely if I wanted to on a daily basis concerning art. However, I could take it no further. I could kind of create like an 8 year old... Art was mine; close and intimate but I could do little more then put scratches on paper; I couldnt take it any further. I could not take it seriously. But I could do it; I could express myself with a canvas next to; In fact; I keep a canvas on an easel next to me; next to me right now. And within the art pen tray in front of my desk; as I am writing right now; I can reach down with my right hand; pick up a crayon from the pen tray, make a mark on the canvas and put the crayon back in the pen tray and continue to write at the computer; A bloody miracle; thats what this is. I can express spontaneous ability all day long and I prove it; However, Im only making marks on a canvas; I am proving that Art can be and is back in my life; but it seems; I can go no further. This is an example of breaking through the walls but going no further with art. . Here is another example between of breaking through the walls and going no further; Lets say ive always had a phobia of driving. Finally with Gods help; I am able to approach my car; I am able to open the door of the car; I am able to sit in the car; And then? I exit the car. And I can turn around and do it all over again; approaching the car; opening the door; sitting in the seat; grabbing the wheel and imagining Im driving; Just like an 8 year old... But that is all I can do; I dont go any further; I cant go any further. And this is all a miracle from God; and a great thing; that I could get into a car and sit in a car and do this repeatedly; a true miracle; However, If I wanted to take this further and start the car and drive the car; that is a whole other realm outside my possibility. I would have to go beyond the basics of just breaking down the walls of approaching a car and sitting in a car freely... Id have to take this to a whole new level; from sitting in a car like an eight year old; to driving a car much like an adult; 2 different worlds. . Back to the Art example; THe point is; I would like to express myself artistically and do something with Art; go somewhere with it; become fully emersed in it and sell my work or have it shown in places. What would it take to be a pro level artist turning things into an ambitious art career... Could I handle that kind of involvement; reality. . Going beyond breaking down the walls. I see allot of overwhelming PTSD when I think of going beyond breaking down the walls. . So; I would like to express myself as a real artist... showing my work; creating... Putting in the time to become a great artist... commitment; to become fiercely committed. . I am a fiercely committed person who claimed he would never be committed to anything or anyone again on this planet; not after what Ive been through. I trust no one; nothing. I feel more comfortable dealing with a murder'r then a self proclaimed righteous man; at least with the murder'r Im not shocked when they try to lie or murder or cheat; I know its com'n. From the self proclaimed righteous man Im not sure who or what carnival ride I was just put on. I feel helpless and powerless of the direction of that carnival ride I had just got on. And I dont know where or when it starts or when its going to stop. Im at the mercy of the carny operating the machine; the carnival ride. And the same for the Fake self proclaimed honest man in society; those " descent" men of the community. I do not trust them; they are snakes wearing the hats of saints... . OKEY.. So fare; Ive mentioned why I wont participate in society; everyone is a snake? Great! However, what do I do if I want to change and become part of society again? That is a good question. . Back to Art Work! On one side; I Was able to break through and make art mine again; I own it; I own the process for me to create art work at an intimate level. However, I went no further then an eight year old.. Thats all the further this concept runs. I accomplished what I wanted; I wanted to create again; be free enough. Not disabled completely like before where I was out of my mind and at a low level frequency where all I could do was mindless fragmented thinking with no real involvement on the canvas. I was able to break through and scribble on the wall... make archaic markings or draw sick people; And Gosh! I could do it when ever I wanted to; but fear and contempt has held me back from creating anything more sophisticated; even tho I can create more sophisticated. . Dating; talking to a friend of mine tonight about the truth about dating for me and about women GOd sent me that I shoved away... out of pride cowardess or fear and safety. . I can never talk to women again out of safety; Id be safe; but is that what I want from life. I mean; Im right but Im not happy. I certainly dont want to be around unsafe people. I want people in there places and civilized when I deal them; I dont want to baby sit anyone... Im not here to pacify someone or entertain someone. But I dont want to be right either; I want to be happy; and in order to do this; I have to take a certain amount of chance taking. No one is going to save me if Im wrong. . Have I ever gone forth with women; got to know them and then dated them; NO! I've never been in an environment I felt safe enough; Ive been in survival mode and that is all. Thus; no women! Nothing. IVe never felt in the same economic or social realm that women seem to adhere to. In other words; Im not good enough. of course I know Im good enough; but from womens perspectives Im not much of a catch if any value at all; but Im valuable to GOd; But I seem to be no value to women. IVe talked to God about this and this does bring up a perplexing question. How am I going to have a happy life and maybe a family some day if Im still alive from old age; How is this going to happen in this life if God does not bring to me the right maiden for my charms... Meeting all the wrong people will not work. I have to become the right person? How can this be? What about being myself and attracting those people in society that are like me; I guess; working with God that is whats going to happen. . I have not had good luck with people; none of them. Most are snakes and nothing more; and allot worse.. much worse; so; How am I to have relationships with them... . . I do not want a relationship with a snake. And I do not want a relationship with someone that associates with and looks up to snakes. I do not want it. . . When Young; I had no one to talk to and no one to talk to about my overwhelming situation. No one cared about me; I was all alone. So; when a girl liked me when I was young; I was star struck stuck... I was in survival mode and had no practice telling someone how I felt; and then I would get mad at the girl because she didnt think about this; that maybe something was wrong. Im like; WHy cant she have some depth and think about it. The problem with this is; How can she think about something if I dont give her a base of what is going on to think about. From her perspective; Im this guy that doesnt make a move on her or say anything about how I really feel for her. I mean; I was being a bit unreasonable. I mean; whats it look like from their perspective. Im a guy that did not respond to them. I went into freeze mode; and I was in a dissociative survival mode. WHo sent them to me. God did. I knew that. I guess I knew that; maybe I was wrong... . I dont need to go to sunny Jesus to know she likes me because she feels I was sent to her and we are suppose to be in a relationship. . The problem was; I was pulling away from her, retaliating against her the way I retaliated against my parents. The problem is; How is she suppose to fix it if I dont get into a relationship with her... How is she suppose to help me. Is she suppose to help me? or am I suppose to go to a therapist. It almost seems like women are part of the Kings realm. Only those in the court of the kings palace get to date them or have relationships with them. Im looking at God and wondering what is going on here; How this insanity happened in my country; We must be the laughing stock of the world at this point. Ill have to trust GOd... and work with God on this; and that is the answer.. . ALl the girls God sent me; I never got into a relationship with. Way to Scared of being destroyed. However, did I ever tell them that! No; I told them nothing; so; they had nothing to work with. I never gave them a chance. . I never gave them a chance; and that is the crime.... . Women and children. I thought to myself; How am I suppose to support her and her children; impossible. Why is she bothering me with the idea of being with her when I realistically cant support her. Maybe she thinks I have more money then I do. However, Sunny Jesus pointed out to me that maybe she will take care of her own kids and she wants to be with me because she likes me... Do I really believe any of this? . Either way; Im finding Im very immature when it comes to everything; especially women and dating. But; I am very innocent; and that innocence keeps me safe... . The immaturity comes in the concept of; I never meet anyone that is right for me on purpose and if I do; they will see my immaturity and not get involved with me or maybe they will but Ill make a complete fool out of myself. In other words; they are not worthy and not safe so why bother with any of this... . However, Ive seen allot of guys I know who are in relationships and its like; they took the plunge. Its not exactly my fault for the way Ive acted; Ive been legally messed up; but did I ever explain this to anyone that was interested in me. NO! Do I want to stay completely safe my whole life. No! . I wouldnt have had any problems if I would have just told the girl I liked her and got things started; and I have to learn; thats where it starts; if I dont; nothing exists accept potential from the eye of the beholder. I get mad because Im like; Ya know; I want a women that knows better; knows something is going on and Im worth taking a chance to open up to; but Ive had that; and it didnt work. I always feel like a women is looking for someone other then me. Im not good enough or even in the ball park; and that money solves everything. Ive been around numerous women that marry sociopathic thugs and are just fine; And they struggle to learn how to teach there thug how to love them; the problem is; Those thugs are sociopaths and one cannot have a relationship with a sociopath... And I have no respect for the sociopath or the women that marry them; but more n more; in one form or another; that is all I see... and its about money; the marriage. . It seems I truly have nothing to offer anyone. What I have is spat on by women; they seem to want everything Im not. They almost want to get violent around me... Spit in my face. . God likes me; ( SMILE)! . SO; its about getting recovery in general. And telling others whats really going on concerning dating. . . I have to learn how to tell someone how I feel; pray about getting those feelings out. . As I was talking to a friend tonight on the way home in the car; I realized how good I felt; like; I can work through the past; no big deal and move on to other people. I mean; I get it... I can do this.. . I can start over; Im getting closer... I have to keep opening up about the past. . THe biggest problem was; no one to work any of my stuff out when I was young and Ive held onto it all this time. . Ive never let the walls down. until now! . THings are changing again. I hurt when I was younger but I never told anyone how I felt. Nor did I ever look for the right type of person to trust. I refused to be available even as GOd brought me new people. I refused to associated with them or give them a chance... and suddenly they were gone. And Im not so sure they came from God... and thats why they are gone. . Part of the cure is to get better in general and talk with others about whats going on; keep working with GOd on it.. let the stuff out.. I mean; thats the problem. . No one wants to have these problems with dating or women; but I do have these problems. And all of it has to come out if Im going to move on... . Finding a better quality women solves the problem... . Tonight I was sitting across from a women that used to like me; she was with her soon to be husband and 2 kids and we had eye contact a few times and it really hurt. I looked into her eyes while I was sharing and I thought; SHes gone. SHe belongs to someone else.. she looked at me like; " I used to like you but you did nothing about it". But then; she wasnt safe? I finally walked away from her or maybe never got involved with her in the first place. . In a sense; its in the past. And the key is; I know its in the past and its time to get over my problems if I can; and keep working with others and keep talking and letting the pain out and go out and allow God to bring new people to me and start dating them; let them know Im interested; that has scared me more then anything else. Not being able to trust anyone else or myself. To much anger and pain... . Im getting slowly better; but I dont want to get hurt again. I want to be with someone who know better... . However, God brings people to me or used to. Hopefully I can get better and God will bring me new people and I will respond correctly. . Ive found I purposely wont hang out with the right people. And I wont hang out with the wrong people. I wont hang out with any people. . . I HATE LOSING WIEGHT>.. . Im like allot of people; Ive allowed my self to get over weight. and I have to lose the weight. I dont like the weight lose process; I hate it. I just do. But I like the idea of being thin again. But being over weight I feel powerful and in control. but I also feel fat... . The real goal here is to work through and get over the past; and that is whats happening. . At a deeper level; the poison has to come out; I had to bury everything when young; my whole life to survive. In fact; i never really understood thats what I was doing. . Later I did this because I had no one and no one to trust. . Now; its possible to do the best I can to allow the communication to others of what is slowly getting uncovered. . When young; I was thrown away continually; continuously; I had no place to go; no one wanted me... So; I had to bury everything and stay silent. . When it came down to it; No one wanted me... . Out of survival and desperation and with no training or guidance on how to live; I meandered to other peoples homes hoping they would be my mother and father or sister or brother; a new family; I was so exhausted and traumazed; It didnt matter where I ended up; If I could go to a new place and adapt with the people at that new place I did. Unfortunately I learned a horrible horrible deplorable lesson the hard way... Later in recovery through the 4th step and Gods help rehashing the subjects over n over n over; investigating over n over over; years and years and years; I began to find an opening of discovery created by the universe for me to crawl through that I could find the truth; and slowly it uncovered. . I had meandered into the arms and houses of the wrong people. I believe; really good people do not open there homes to people; they stay silent and in hiding and only open up to people well screened. I unfortunately found myself in houses were it was open for me to visit and it was a big big mistake. Not knowing it; I had meandered into the homes of sociopathic pathological people; whole families of them... And I was destroyed at some point from it. I was clueless at first. Later; more n more; the evidence showed these people were not who I thought they were; they were very dangerous people; I did not know at the time; I was to innocent and naive. I actually got confused by there behavior because I did not understand it. It seemed they could either take me or leave me much to easily. I was destroyed in those places by those people. I had been destroyed... and told myself I would not be that gullible again. I was wrong; I had no defense and was destroyed again. . Now I have a God Higher Power and recovery process. I know longer travel door to door for my family love... To many cobras behind those doors masquerading as people. I never knew! . . Now; I would like to continue to see more evidence indicating Im correct about this; let more evidence show that I was not wanted nor were these people my friends; they did not like me and I meant nothing to them. In many cases I was groomed and used and thrown away simply because the offenders saw me as a Simp easy mark and nothing else. I walked right into a hornets nest; one might say... I was very easily manipulated... I didnt even see it... And it happened numerous times... over n over n over. I had no clue until getting in touch with a higher power... The universe opened ideas up to me I had never thought of; and slowly the truth began to immerge and suddenly everything made sense and my eyes were open. . Today; I continue to allow those thoughts of yesteryear open up and be examined. In many cases; the cases of the past are solved. In some cases; 3/4ths of the cases and motives are solved but not complete acceptance.... Ill need more evidence. But that evidence is coming; showing up more n more as I allow my real feelings to show up about what happened. ANd its shocking because what I believed to be the truth was 100% wrong. My evidence suggests that the people involved were not capable of having any sort of relationship with anyone like me; not a human one fore they were sociopaths... And more n more this evidence is uncovered; and its still hurts; its still hard... . The scariest part is when I first met these people; They appeared normal. And thats whats always bothered me; bugged me. I was groomed so easily... to easily; way way to easily; I mean; I never had any chance. I never saw what they really were... and that is unsettling. However, in the end; God rescued me. Atho it was a hard rescue... but God did rescue me; and I mean that; God went in and literally pulled me out of those situation and brought me back to God right next to him and just kept me... and this happened several times. . As I said; in some cases; its 100%; I know exactly what happened and have no problems saying goodbye to those monsters who were portraying humans. In other cases; the child in me has false memories of some people and those memories need to be rinsed out that the truth be the only redeeming quality; but that is happening and will continue to happen until I finally accept what happened; or should I say; What didnt happen. . . Ill keep working with God through all of this confusion. |
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