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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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moving into know mans land (positive); and then through

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm

So; Im moving forward; the goal is to shore up the gap; can that be done; yes; Ive done this before. Ive shored up gaps before; is this a normal size gap; no; its a long wide gap; very wide; and it requires much or several changes in the middle of no mans land. Ill change 2 or three times during the gap procedure. up and down; rebuilt or take inventory; build up; move forward. all of these movements are things I would have done when young; very young; thats why its scary and sickening; it reminds me of a death trap that was laid before me.... It is truly scary and unnerving. Im being taken into a place and time zone of my own death; The child in me gets ansi and can feel it; However, the child is seeing other things the child is grieving the loss of the time and the natural timing of a life taken away. I had a natural development as a human being. The timing was right; I was a kid; and I was developing in my right time; However, later full neglect then destroyed; So; Im remembering and seeing the life; a life with all hopes and dreams snuffed out. Now; the goal is to keep at this; let all feelings and memories process and stay strait.
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Ill talk about it.
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Heres an example of a goal of shoring up the gap.
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As a boy I went on summer vacation and remembered the whole thing these days; or allot of it; feeling it; not quit their yet. ;
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Im 6 years old in my fantasy; Because I was destroyed at a later date; when Im older; I cant remember or I am not allowed to remember those vacations.. as an adult; or even as a teen; I had to shut everything out. Im blocked from them. So; now I can remember them but not much more; with work and getting familiar with those memories ill remember more.
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In my imagination in the present; I get a girlfriend; we drive up to the vacation spot and have our own bran-new vacation at that same place; Its new; Im new; I get to relive my past and have a girlfriend at at the same...
And is that enough; almost? What was I doing when young; what was I doing at that vacation; Lets see; comic books; mad magazines. pinball machine and pool -table at the local store. boating with a small outboard boat. drawing and making pictures. reading science fiction. And making models. And visiting the girls around the area. But since I have a women with me; that takes care of that part.
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Ok; so; Ive got telescopes, rc remote rock crawlers, art stuff; but that has to be developed first until no resistance; I have to learn to finish what I start. I have science fiction books; but that has to be re developed until their is no resistance to reading them. Models; Im just now getting back into plastic model building again; cant wait; and I have to finish this first model; and I mean finish it that it be done well or terrific and complete. I mean what I say; to feel safe all the way through and finish it; finishing it is very important. And maybe do more; but I need this first one done; it will tie me back to my childhood; a continuation of my childhood.
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Tee shirts; like when young; I know what this means....
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looz- weight; get down to my normal weight.
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My girlfriend will be Asian...
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rock collecting
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Fishing with a basic reel set up. Something simple.
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Sandles..
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The key is to remember what I was doing as a child; O yes; bicycles...
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And an outdoor fire or marshmallows or something.
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The point is; I was doing things; working on things; at that age. Building things.
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Guitar...
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The point is to do those things right now; guitar, drawing, models, clay, rc remote rockcrawler, mountain biking, art... comic books. Do them all and work through the breaks within them; and now Im starting to see it.
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Cart toons;
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Everything I was doing at that age; all of it... Haunted house stories..
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Horror movies;
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im trying to remember; swimming.
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Other things; if I can remember; Flipper TV show; star trek tv show..
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The point is; Im moving forward now; as I was then.
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The goals of all this is to move through this time period as if Im living it again; This time; when I come to the end of it; at a specific child age, I re create a new story for its direction; my life direction and I start to mature in that new direction; recreating the things I would have experienced when I was an older child; a tween and a teenager up to 18 years old. All of it re written and safe. and If I keep doing what Im doing; Ill get their. Ill have re lived the developmental stage; and thats whats happening; also, the childhood memories are coming back; and that is the child trusting me...
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Can I remember my mother and father; I dont think so; I will if the child in me wants to; and I might; simply for the re writing of my past; making all times appear like good times with all kinds of love coming to me.
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My father used to say he loved me and acted like a father; I bought into it; suddenly I was older. older then 7; suddenly it all changes. He is looking for excuses to leave,
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Trauma;
Im seeing the trauma show up as I write; for all of this is forcing a new story from my past; its making me remember what I lost when young; Im remembering more n more what it was like to have Christmas and new years, and school, and Halloween, and Easter and Church and friends houses and many other things.
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The goal is identity work; all of this is reaching into self and getting out the real me and my real memories of my childhood and starting over from where I was ruined; lets start over before that. So; I'm going from a safe time period of about 6-8 years old; and from their; I was cross in between and write a whole new story of my life; and live it in that direction; and again; by reliving events Id never lived before; it will fill in the gaps between 8 and 18 years of age; all the stuff I should have lived and learned; and Ill relive all of those things; and I can already see it; Im not sure yet how the universe is going to make all this happen; but it will. My point is; its going to hurt at certain ledges; I mean really hurt.
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Ive go tectonic fault lines within my mind; places that are broken and twisted at certain ages; and i never experienced any learning; nothing. So; those ages are going to hurt and stretch... its not going to be easy.
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How about that train set. And watching the trains; I love trains and rock hunting.
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As I move into more about my past; I become more n more a middle class person again and not an outcast from society; and this hurts and is strange and strangely to close to the murdering of my life when young.
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I remember who murdered me; And I think; Ill get used to wondering around in my old neighborhood from childhood but at some point; Ill get enough and Ill leave. for the neighborhood gives fond memories; but not the people; for many of them were monsters in white collar clothing. I never knew until it was 2 late; including their spoiled children. Ive like to find a better word for them; pathological performers. Monsters in their own right. horrible and unbelievable. I learned the hard way what these people are about. I never knew when young.
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The goal is to step into the next level of my life; doing the things I did when young; Skiing, and other things.
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I wanted to be involved in drama.... I always thought I would be in plays from the beginning of my life; when I was first born. I was not allowed because I was to be inferior to the psychopaths. According to them; people like me could work on the sets but not be in the plays... So; I have allot of horror and hurt to work through...
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Right now Im about to experience a few new things that I did when young; and I'm looking forward to experiencing them. However, I have to understand that I have to finish what I start.
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Finishing what I start. My mind was ripped apart at that young age of the beginning of growth; about 9 years old; half way through it. So; its important that if I start something that nine year old enjoys doing; I have to finish it and let that project take me through a full range of 9 years old, passing the middle of 9. I have to experience what it feels like not to bend or brake during 9 years old; I have to extend beyond where the fissures are within my mind; fissures from the breaks of reality that tore my mind into; Im now in the process of re building and re writing a new script of scenes for that 9 year old. Its not that easy. I was broken half way through 9 years old; for me to extend beyond that break is uncomfortable. feels strange and unsafe; I have this tendency to drop out of side and go antisocial; So; Im planning on staying social through these experiments; not dissociative or have that glass bottle effect of de personalization.
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I have my work cut out for me; Im scared but Im excited along with it. ITs about healing; and thats not fun; its scary..
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I have to stop trauma bonding with past abusers; I saw one today; I was sitting with him in a meeting; they have control over me; bulling control. I have to stop carrying about what happens to them; Ive been bullied and trauma bonded into carrying about someone that does not have a legitimate relationship with me; its a sociopathic relationship; they force their way down my throat and into my life and I collapse around them.
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I was thinking of air shows........
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Anyway; Ill say more on this later;

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One of the most important aspect of things in no mans land; finish what I start; art must be conquered. guitar song writing must be happily conquered. Model building; no cheating; I must really want to finish a model to the end and have a high level of pride and integrity on this model. I must finish what I start. Create a really clean cool looking finished model; something that looks like I put out work for this thing and did it right. Make it look like Im doing more of them and Im going to do them right..
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Video games; i must finish a video game; I don't think Ive ever done that; I never had a video game childhood. and I want one; but I've got to finish a game as if Im a healthy 9 year old moving into 10 years old moving into 11 years old and so on. Meaning; Im not playing a game at 9; then half way through 9; I get destroyed and erased; so I stop playing he game. Let me say it in another way. I'm playing the game faithfully; if Im going to play at 9; Im playing faithfully just like other kids; Im playing through to 10 years old; even tho; in my past I was decoyed at 9 1/2 years old. Im going to play that game in the present as if I came from a healthy childhood; and Ive seen other kids who play video games; they finish their games; they get good at it. I want to get good at it; I never allowed myself to get good at it.. I stopped; and I believed I stopped because my childhood stopped. So; Ill continue with game play as if I have a healthy childhood.
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Problems avoiding women.... This has to be another blog.... Ill keep working on this until I understand what to do....
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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