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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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moving into know mans land (positive); and then through

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm

So; Im moving forward; the goal is to shore up the gap; can that be done; yes; Ive done this before. Ive shored up gaps before; is this a normal size gap; no; its a long wide gap; very wide; and it requires much or several changes in the middle of no mans land. Ill change 2 or three times during the gap procedure. up and down; rebuilt or take inventory; build up; move forward. all of these movements are things I would have done when young; very young; thats why its scary and sickening; it reminds me of a death trap that was laid before me.... It is truly scary and unnerving. Im being taken into a place and time zone of my own death; The child in me gets ansi and can feel it; However, the child is seeing other things the child is grieving the loss of the time and the natural timing of a life taken away. I had a natural development as a human being. The timing was right; I was a kid; and I was developing in my right time; However, later full neglect then destroyed; So; Im remembering and seeing the life; a life with all hopes and dreams snuffed out. Now; the goal is to keep at this; let all feelings and memories process and stay strait.
Ill talk about it.

Heres an example of a goal of shoring up the gap.
As a boy I went on summer vacation and remembered the whole thing these days; or allot of it; feeling it; not quit their yet. ;
Im 6 years old in my fantasy; Because I was destroyed at a later date; when Im older; I cant remember or I am not allowed to remember those vacations.. as an adult; or even as a teen; I had to shut everything out. Im blocked from them. So; now I can remember them but not much more; with work and getting familiar with those memories ill remember more.
In my imagination in the present; I get a girlfriend; we drive up to the vacation spot and have our own bran-new vacation at that same place; Its new; Im new; I get to relive my past and have a girlfriend at at the same...
And is that enough; almost? What was I doing when young; what was I doing at that vacation; Lets see; comic books; mad magazines. pinball machine and pool -table at the local store. boating with a small outboard boat. drawing and making pictures. reading science fiction. And making models. And visiting the girls around the area. But since I have a women with me; that takes care of that part.
Ok; so; Ive got telescopes, rc remote rock crawlers, art stuff; but that has to be developed first until no resistance; I have to learn to finish what I start. I have science fiction books; but that has to be re developed until their is no resistance to reading them. Models; Im just now getting back into plastic model building again; cant wait; and I have to finish this first model; and I mean finish it that it be done well or terrific and complete. I mean what I say; to feel safe all the way through and finish it; finishing it is very important. And maybe do more; but I need this first one done; it will tie me back to my childhood; a continuation of my childhood.
Tee shirts; like when young; I know what this means....
looz- weight; get down to my normal weight.
My girlfriend will be Asian...
rock collecting
Fishing with a basic reel set up. Something simple.
The key is to remember what I was doing as a child; O yes; bicycles...
And an outdoor fire or marshmallows or something.
The point is; I was doing things; working on things; at that age. Building things.
The point is to do those things right now; guitar, drawing, models, clay, rc remote rockcrawler, mountain biking, art... comic books. Do them all and work through the breaks within them; and now Im starting to see it.
Cart toons;
Everything I was doing at that age; all of it... Haunted house stories..
Horror movies;
im trying to remember; swimming.
Other things; if I can remember; Flipper TV show; star trek tv show..
The point is; Im moving forward now; as I was then.
The goals of all this is to move through this time period as if Im living it again; This time; when I come to the end of it; at a specific child age, I re create a new story for its direction; my life direction and I start to mature in that new direction; recreating the things I would have experienced when I was an older child; a tween and a teenager up to 18 years old. All of it re written and safe. and If I keep doing what Im doing; Ill get their. Ill have re lived the developmental stage; and thats whats happening; also, the childhood memories are coming back; and that is the child trusting me...
Can I remember my mother and father; I dont think so; I will if the child in me wants to; and I might; simply for the re writing of my past; making all times appear like good times with all kinds of love coming to me.
My father used to say he loved me and acted like a father; I bought into it; suddenly I was older. older then 7; suddenly it all changes. He is looking for excuses to leave,
Im seeing the trauma show up as I write; for all of this is forcing a new story from my past; its making me remember what I lost when young; Im remembering more n more what it was like to have Christmas and new years, and school, and Halloween, and Easter and Church and friends houses and many other things.
The goal is identity work; all of this is reaching into self and getting out the real me and my real memories of my childhood and starting over from where I was ruined; lets start over before that. So; I'm going from a safe time period of about 6-8 years old; and from their; I was cross in between and write a whole new story of my life; and live it in that direction; and again; by reliving events Id never lived before; it will fill in the gaps between 8 and 18 years of age; all the stuff I should have lived and learned; and Ill relive all of those things; and I can already see it; Im not sure yet how the universe is going to make all this happen; but it will. My point is; its going to hurt at certain ledges; I mean really hurt.
Ive go tectonic fault lines within my mind; places that are broken and twisted at certain ages; and i never experienced any learning; nothing. So; those ages are going to hurt and stretch... its not going to be easy.
How about that train set. And watching the trains; I love trains and rock hunting.
As I move into more about my past; I become more n more a middle class person again and not an outcast from society; and this hurts and is strange and strangely to close to the murdering of my life when young.
I remember who murdered me; And I think; Ill get used to wondering around in my old neighborhood from childhood but at some point; Ill get enough and Ill leave. for the neighborhood gives fond memories; but not the people; for many of them were monsters in white collar clothing. I never knew until it was 2 late; including their spoiled children. Ive like to find a better word for them; pathological performers. Monsters in their own right. horrible and unbelievable. I learned the hard way what these people are about. I never knew when young.
The goal is to step into the next level of my life; doing the things I did when young; Skiing, and other things.
I wanted to be involved in drama.... I always thought I would be in plays from the beginning of my life; when I was first born. I was not allowed because I was to be inferior to the psychopaths. According to them; people like me could work on the sets but not be in the plays... So; I have allot of horror and hurt to work through...
Right now Im about to experience a few new things that I did when young; and I'm looking forward to experiencing them. However, I have to understand that I have to finish what I start.
Finishing what I start. My mind was ripped apart at that young age of the beginning of growth; about 9 years old; half way through it. So; its important that if I start something that nine year old enjoys doing; I have to finish it and let that project take me through a full range of 9 years old, passing the middle of 9. I have to experience what it feels like not to bend or brake during 9 years old; I have to extend beyond where the fissures are within my mind; fissures from the breaks of reality that tore my mind into; Im now in the process of re building and re writing a new script of scenes for that 9 year old. Its not that easy. I was broken half way through 9 years old; for me to extend beyond that break is uncomfortable. feels strange and unsafe; I have this tendency to drop out of side and go antisocial; So; Im planning on staying social through these experiments; not dissociative or have that glass bottle effect of de personalization.
I have my work cut out for me; Im scared but Im excited along with it. ITs about healing; and thats not fun; its scary..
I have to stop trauma bonding with past abusers; I saw one today; I was sitting with him in a meeting; they have control over me; bulling control. I have to stop carrying about what happens to them; Ive been bullied and trauma bonded into carrying about someone that does not have a legitimate relationship with me; its a sociopathic relationship; they force their way down my throat and into my life and I collapse around them.
I was thinking of air shows........
Anyway; Ill say more on this later;

One of the most important aspect of things in no mans land; finish what I start; art must be conquered. guitar song writing must be happily conquered. Model building; no cheating; I must really want to finish a model to the end and have a high level of pride and integrity on this model. I must finish what I start. Create a really clean cool looking finished model; something that looks like I put out work for this thing and did it right. Make it look like Im doing more of them and Im going to do them right..
Video games; i must finish a video game; I don't think Ive ever done that; I never had a video game childhood. and I want one; but I've got to finish a game as if Im a healthy 9 year old moving into 10 years old moving into 11 years old and so on. Meaning; Im not playing a game at 9; then half way through 9; I get destroyed and erased; so I stop playing he game. Let me say it in another way. I'm playing the game faithfully; if Im going to play at 9; Im playing faithfully just like other kids; Im playing through to 10 years old; even tho; in my past I was decoyed at 9 1/2 years old. Im going to play that game in the present as if I came from a healthy childhood; and Ive seen other kids who play video games; they finish their games; they get good at it. I want to get good at it; I never allowed myself to get good at it.. I stopped; and I believed I stopped because my childhood stopped. So; Ill continue with game play as if I have a healthy childhood.
Problems avoiding women.... This has to be another blog.... Ill keep working on this until I understand what to do....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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