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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1005)
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- August 2019
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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moving forward out of the fire!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 14, 2016 5:30 pm

The goal in me; the child in me was in control! The small child, telling me what to do! Telling the system what to do! I was destroyed! I was fully taken over by dissociative disorder! My mind was 100% consumed! Nothing was present! So, the child within was direction!

The goal of the child within me; get to the therapist and start the process, ultimately go out into the world in groups, and let them brush up against you; let them pull you awake! Let them wake up you! And grab you and pull on you to wake up!

And thus they have! Ive awoken!

Im now successfully able to interact with someone when I want to; I don't have to wait a month or 6 months until it is safe! Ive actually been able to see someone I wanted to talk with; someone I found attractive; walk over to them, introduce myself and walk away; in real time!

This is a sign of great significance! It's a sign of great independence; for non of the original monsters are around! Its me; starting over!

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You have to be safely on the other side off things, functioning again, before you are allowed to see what you came from; to assess what you came from!

I am now able and starting to see the much bigger picture of the horror of which I came from! I have now officially started a new life!

How do you know you have started a new life! Simple! Your able to create a desire and goal with in my imagination and follow it through! And your able to do so in real time if you choose! For example! Im in a social situation and a new women arrives! I watch her and glance at her; I think she's cute! I I listen when she speaks! I decide I want to meet her! I don't want this opportunity to pass me by! In a while, I walk down stairs to the outside area! I and many others are socializing; I see the women from the corner of my eye; I decide; this is the time; and I hit it! I walk over to her and her friend! I stand to the side and interrupt the situation and as I look at her, I put out my hand and shake her hand and introduce myself; she's seen me upstairs in the meeting rooms! I smile at both women and walk away!

In this little social victory is 20 years of recovery work! If I can face forward and interact with what I want in the day time, in reality, making decisions about my future; about what I want and follow through with my plans; this suggests I can survive on my own; I like myself enough or love myself enough and have enough hope in the present to go after what I want to go after! And all of this is new! This is a new person! I am a new person, the old is gone! Much of it is in my PTSD user banks! But I am safely on the other side!

The destruction of my life continued into my 20's! It did not end at age 10 or 12!~ my destruction includes a several experiences away from my home town! In fact; there is no home town for me! Nothing! Their will be no home town until I decide where I want to live!

One experience is in high school in a city on the coast! I had no choice but to go back and live with the psychopaths! I did not know what I was doing; or who these scum monsters really were! I did not know they were not on my side; that they were my enemies and the enemies of the human race!

All experiences with the psychopaths are over! I have safety made it to the other side and started over! Officially!

ITs like coming out of a storm of information into the clear! Your anger or resentments have been burned off you! Your mental illnesses almost gone! Your beat up from the street up!

You know when you've made it to the other side; the side of sanity and life once again! Your able to venture out on a desire and complete it in real time; no past needed!

So it begins for me! And how nice it feels that the horror voices in my head are now locked up in the past! Those voices and ghosts that controlled me! They are officially past tense; I am off building and experiencing and participating in a new life! I have no interest in a past, for I know what it is!

As for the past; I feel nothing; its just information! I am well safe in the present and the future!

This is truly a great day because the past includes all the players; not just a select few! All of them; and none are coming back because I love myself enough to see who and what happened!

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I have the understanding that secondary situations of the past; People, places, and things associated with that time; never counted for anything! They had no value! They were part of the sadistic psychological games I was thrown into! I met friends along the way for short times, and many of them turned on me; some were never friends; they were just going on with things until I could be gotten rid of! But I know this now! And I know who they were and what they are! And technically they are history! Or just robots on a chess board as I fly by!

With the ability to establish a new life! I can go anywhere!
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This does not mean things are fixed; things are technically quit confusing! Where am I from? What town, what background! I was stolen out of my child experience! It was stopped! Now what do I do!

All of my dreams as a child ruined! Or and much worse then this!

So, now what do I do! What do I remember! Who am I! Where am I from!

I come from nothing, no family systems! Nothing, no background! I was used by these people and thrown away! Its strange to talk about! Its as if it must have happened in a dream and not reality! But it did happen in reality!

I had no idea my childhood was going to be destroyed! I was not prepared for it! One possible answer, is to continue on where I left of as a child! This is what Im fighting to get back! I look back at some of the good independent things I experienced; and start from their! This might be possible! It all depends on what self doubt I can get rid of! What bad memories I can get rid of!

As for friends or other people at that time; completely useless, all of it! It was a complete fail! There is no reason to remember any of them or any of it; associating with the people I met while a child in this horrible situation! It's interesting; words like " horrible," do not describe this! Genocide describes this! The deliberate cold and malice act of destroyed children in your community!

I have allot of rebuilding to do and forgiveness to keep this thing going; I have allot of support I need in this situation! Im beat up from the street up!

In order to regain my dreams that I lost; I must turn them into desires and run them through my imagination; see them as first person POV's!

So, their is hope! it just hurts a great deal

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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