I have to go back in time and see all those who bullied me and used me and abused me; see the interactions.. and learn a new way to have dealt with them that I can come up with ways to come out of freeze mode from that time; finding alternatives.
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The goal is to escape those time periods…. find ways to un lock myself from those people and places and things; thus coming up with the truth of what really happened; my role in it.
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And after seeing my role; undo my self from that roll of yarn; and pull out of being tied to those time periods; thus coming back to the present. The goal is to have new behavior for the present; not so dissociative and more expressive and present.
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I was extremely passive aggressive during that time and I want to break through that; have ways of standing up for myself during those times; work with God on how this could have happened. I sincerely had no place to run in those times; no place to go accept becoming a run away… and that would have been to much for me. I ended up dead inside with no goals and all desires dead. The girl up the street I loved; all gone.. No one cared and no one cared if I died or what happened; they all wanted to get rid of me with contempt…. I want to examine how I interacted with these clowns. I want to see aways beyond them and come up with plans I could have used at that time to take back control and power of my life and with Gods help; had a plan to get out of there; I became brain washed into helplessness and I want an answer to that…. that I can wake up again…
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Im passive aggressive and give in where I dont want to and I avoid everything; and that allows others to violate me and walk over me who will continue to do so if they can get away with it...
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Ive found manipulators dont stop unless their stopped...
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I had an interesting situation occur today. I was at a store buying someone with a friend for the 4th. A women came up and touched me and said hi! I said hi... she walked by; no big deal; but I headed down the lain to buy something else and saw her again. I asked her if she new where the baking section existed in the store... I guess I crossed the line by talking to her because she looked at me like I was a stalker... certainly a double standard... bait n switch... This is a women I know from the meetings I go to. I notice Im not acting correctly around people; Im needy and hovering... instead of walking by. But I dont like others being in control of me according to what they want. I want someone around me that likes me or they can leave. Something wrong with this. But Im interested in my behavior... Im weak and giving in and I want it to stop; so; Im working with God to put a stop to it... to learn to trust God and keep working forward.