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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Moving forward

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 12, 2016 7:17 am

A very strange thing is happened to me or for me!

Im waking up! And Im almost back to starting place!

I mean it when I say; as a small child I was exited! It at been a few years before! But on Television; The beetles were playing live and I watched them for the first time! And I knew I wanted to be ringo star! The drummer! And suddenly, here I am now!

Im missing 45 years of my life!

Without going into to do much detail! I dissociated out of existence!

At one time I was a drummer! However, if you have a house I could practice in! I was a drummer! But without a place to practice! I had nothing! And could not get a place to practice, so my dreams faded into nothing and I faded into nothing!

I wanted to be an actor when young! However, the house hold I lived in destroyed everyone in the house hold! I was thrown away when I was 1o years old! In fact, I wonder how Im here now!

So, here I am now! Im 54 years old! And Im waking up again as this child! And this is incredible! However, I have no better understanding of how to make this life work then a 7 year old!

Actually I have some plans! Because Im studying success based thinking for wealth! Heres the deal; I have martyr syndrome; bad case of it! And its been a battle busting through it to create new goals for myself that are more dominate stories then the boring limited ones I live today! The goal is to get the focus on those new goals! Thats what Im working towards! Thats what Im fighting for!

Lately, things have been lonely and tuff and confusing!

I worked with God and LOA, and the Universe, did a bunch of soulmate stuff; came up with an Asian soulmate pride as my future choice! Intellectual, creative, sensitive, artistic, supportive of my creative dreams! Ive been visualizing and working on stories with her in them as if we have already met!
I have women I can date now! But they are not my Asian soulmate that God and I worked on! What do I do! I must stick to my plans! Asian soulmate it is! But when? And this is the problem with LOA! What amount of alignment do I have to do! How long will this take! I don't know! Should I date in between this! Should I have sex with 378 women first before I meet my soulmate! I don't know! This is very confusing!
At some point, when you make your goal; you don't drop your standard!

I have to continue to set more goals for myself as I want to live; the standard of life and what I want from it! As a martyr, everything died! So, I had no idea of a standard that was reachable! I thought no standard was reachable, now Im learning different! What do I want!

And in the process of what I want; How long will this take!

The key I face at the moment in goals; where do I start! How do I start taking action! Where is the lighted path I need to see that I may start down it!

The next big move is learning how to see the keys of the lighted paths in front of me and start going down them; even if they are small! For example!; lets say I create a small goal or manifestation within my imagination! I ask the Universe to open a lighted path! I can accomplish this! Its possible! Doable! I might need to start with smaller goals until I can learn how to make them happen first!

All of this stuff takes time! I would rather be in a practice room creating! I wonder if I will ever again be able to do art of any kind! I have no practice room! Im hoping that LOA will help with this! Im hoping I can learn how to make a goal and learn to see a lighted path in front of it that I know the direction to start towards it! This is what Im working with God!

ITs important for me to re learn how to set goals and go after them; all of this was neglected out of me when a child!

If and when I learn this; and trust in the process from beginning to end; this creates a kind of freedom! And Im learning it! Its tuff! My martyr syndrome has been like concrete! Ive become suicidal attempting to break out of it; but I will! And I get stronger every week! Hard earned lonely process!
The goal at this point is to start the process of learning how to recognize lighted trails opening up toward my goals; what they look like!
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I have no life! Nothing outside the 12 step meetings and the psych places! I have a new therapist!

I have no friends! Nothing! Ive been able to fit but not belong! Ive gotten the recovery ive needed! But not made any real friends along the way! It feels like one giant truck stop!

It matters not concerning my recovery, accept I want to move on and get a real life like everyone else!
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I wanted to meet more art friends; but with no place to create anything, Im not an artist anymore! I don't know what to do or what to think! I cant believe God would just lead people into this with no way out!

Or leave me in this with no way out! Im working with God for a solution! Im spending my life on never ending uselessness!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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