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Author:  OMNICELL [ Tue Nov 29, 2016 3:39 am ]
Blog Subject:  moving forward at the beginning!

My social experience in this life was destroyed completely! Its slowly coming back! Im very much like a new high school student that has no social experiences and is showing up for events but doesn't have much popularity! but is strong enough to show up! but that is all! not much notice by anyone! lots of people see him or me as weird! but Im doable! meaning, I can manage to show up! and Im not completely comatose!

The point is; Im on the right track but many if not most will not notice or appreciate! they are seeking their own popularity! and I mean nothing to them! I do not respond to these people; they are a waist of time for me! I have much deeper constraints! Im trying to get the basic interests back in my life of being alive! most of the people Im around, I did not choose! most of them are part of the recovery process! they see me, judge me; ask someone else about me; its negative! and Im labeled and its over before it starts! However, I need the recovery process! Im not popular! most of the interest in me is quick!

Im not controlled or manipulated material so Im of no value to anyone! Im way out in left field! I have not have a family for 45 years! Im learning to have God in my life and slowly learning to come back from what destroyed me when young! no one around me can appreciate any of it! God has to be something or someone that brings life back into me and hope! I have hope; now; I need more decent real people; I have to visualize these people! the problem is! I have no money and no middle class standing! meaning, I come from no money! this can be a problem of whom I want to associate with! I might have the conservative values of those with smarts and money, but those people; they dont see me!

So, I have my work cut out for me! I dont kiss up to anyone! I allow those I dont like or respect to say what they will to me in the recovery process! I dont care, they dont mean anything to me anyway! They dont know me or want to know me! I mean nothing to them because I refuse to tell them anymore then the basics! Im getting the recovery I need but not the personal people I would like to spend time with!

I will have to take this to God!

Im an interesting person; So, I know that women are always interest; some?! Im getting better at knowing Im an interesting person! and I know women like interesting men! and Im an interesting man! So, things are picking up in all directions! However, I dont people please! I do at times because I have dissociative disorder and Im scared to be around people! but in general! Im not showing the real talented person and Im not understood! Im buried within myself! Im getting better! I act as if Im one person; when Im really someone else; but I wont be that other person until Im in the right safe environment where I can flourish!

The problem is; Im not around college people! Im around lower level situations at times! Im generally being slowly brought back to life by the recovery people! no one ever asked any questions! They see you at face value and judge you at face value!

im an artist; Im not in the right environment for this!

The girls I ask out have been at meetings! I dont know anyone else! and I have to work with God on this to get more social!

I ride bike, dont have a car! Im slowly attempting to learn how to wash my clothing! I still dont like people in my apartment! its not enough personal space! I dont like others in my space! its about feeling safe! and I dont keep any thing clean!

I have allot of work to do with God! I allow others to see me as nothing! and leave it at that!~

I have to work with God to find my tribe of people! where they are! who they are!~ Ive been lost as to who I belong to; what girls to ask out! its not about high or low, but being with the women of my tribe! who are they! my tribe! What groups are " me"!

These are the next questions to ask! Im simply attempting to learn how to be in the here now and be stable again! its happening!

Im in the middle of this fight to come to! I lost everything when young and Im attempting to regain it again!

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