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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Moving forward!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 20, 2016 4:53 pm

My goal is to become so independent that I dont need to be in my home town! I can leave, and leave everything behind! Im 54 years old! so, its a bit strange; all of this! Im no different then anyone else on this site or anyone else struggling with this stuff; mental stuff!

My life was destroyed when very young! and Im attempting to pull my life back! Ive needed mass help for this! Ive gotten help, and worked on stuff! The problem has been; letting go of old people! I came from a very unfortunate situation of the wrong people! They amounted to being the worst type of humanoids their is! its unfortunate! I had no idea! Before, I knew what to do; it was 2 late! I hate been destroyed and or taken advantage of! These were criminal psychopaths or sociopaths; all of them!
Unfortunately for me! The rest of the community shut its doors in my face immediately! schools, friends! you name it! I was of no interest anymore! No one asked me a question, or could care less what was happening to me! I had no place to turn! I was locked out of the community! This happens to severely abused people! people that are being thrown away!

Because of the state of trauma involved, I could not function! nor function in the school system; so I was getting horrible grades or flunking out completely! I came back to a school, and had flunked out of 6th grade! This was due to abuse! trauma! I came back to a school and when they saw my grades, treated me like I was a trouble maker! they simply wanted me out of their schools! They were not interested in why I had a problem! I was labeled a trouble maker! and this has happened numerous times!

The goal is to completely move forward from all people of the past! That means; understanding how to have my own independent life away from the false memories of worthless people that destroyed me and would continue to rob me and take advantage of me if I associated with them! They were never my friends! they did not care about me or what happened to me! and never will again! they are robbers and criminals and nothing more! and this type of scum does not relate with decent human beings!

I study positive thinking programs to find my purpose in life, and change my thoughts on a daily basis; those thoughts that cause so much pain and damage!

The biggest problem has been my talents! I was not suppose to be someone thrown away! I had a massive amount of interest in school and talents and social things! it was all destroyed! However, I started working within the 12 step system structure; going to meetings all the time and now; with success based thinking! I have a chance at a new life!

My main issue is a childhood issue! all of the dreams I had from childhood! they were destroyed! meaning; I was thrown away and never able to accomplish anything! Im now waking up! Ive been awake twice before in my life! and now! its very strange!

I was watching a rock group I listened to as a kid! that was 50 years ago! I feel like nothing has changed! Im still the kid that was planning my life! or actually figuring out how to emotionally survive at the time!

The point is; All relational stuff when I was young; it was faked by others! nothing was real! I was lied to; it was all a lie! I had no real family or schooling or home! it was all in my young head that I was surrounded by decent people that loved me and cared about my future! no one cared about my life! I was thrown away when I was 10 years old! And they had never cared about my life from the day I was born! I did not know this! Unfortunately, I expected a normal life! I watched television, had friends at school! and thought I was no different! I was different! I was living with monsters! Sadistic sociopaths and psychopaths!

The goal is to work into the life Ive always wanted, with out the help of those of the past; create new friendships with decent people and start over under Gods help! And this is happening! this is no easy task!

Im now at a point; after 2 years of working with success based thinking; Im making plans for what I actually want in my life! what kind of life do I want to live; and write it out on paper! and start working with God to get rid of the negative limiting beliefs and thinking that control me! once those thoughts are gone! Im able to concentrate on what I want!

Its not to late to turn ones life around! the goal is to align with God! for God has my blueprint of my life! Aligning with source energy God; Jesus Christ, for me! Higher power, Universal! Aligning with God is the key and then making a decision!

I know Im alleging with God; I can feel it! it goes through the core of me! and I feel better! Ive so off centered, on the wrong paths of my life! I was always waiting for someone to love me; to prove it and come back and set me on the right path!

The love I want, wont come from the scum I came from! I was truly an independent vessel! No one knew me or my worth! seems, no one ever has! nor did they care!

The human race is or can be a horrible experience and it can be a good experience!

Im trying to learn to believe again! its not easy! its in my thoughts! I have to imagine what I want and work with God to watch it happen! I get hit was counter thoughts telling me nothing is possible!

I have to work with God on these things! and let go of all people and places and things from the past! they were liars and cheats and were not going to help me in my life to succeed! no one was! they destroyed me and got rid of me! Psychopaths!

The goal now is to keep working on my thinking because the real me is trapped deep down inside me and needs to come fourth so I can remember who I am ; and that I dont need any of those people from the past!

The horrible thing is; I was left to die basically, over n over! no one cared why! I was judged worthless after being thrown away and received more abuse! and thrown away further! thus is the human race! worthless! Not all of it! but the scum is worthless!

The goal is to imagine who I want to associate with and find them; work with God to find my tribe and my life!

I always had self doubts because of my lack of money and no support as a human being! who would want to be friends with me that would count!

I believed no one of any importance would want anything to do with me because I had no money or advantage!

I have allot of negative thoughts! they must go! I must create my dream! and go with it!

---

I had brothers or friends when young! in reality, I didnt have brothers or friends! they were not what they appeared to be and were no family of mine! yet, Im in denial! it will take much work to get the child in me to let go of the fantasy he created around these scum! they are dangerous and have no business around decent people! They have no business around me! never did!

Its hard to throw all of this at a child; the child in me! Its hard to throw the negative choices I faced that cause separation from myself and what I want! I dreamed my brothers and I were always close! they were never real human beings! so it was a pipe dream! they were complete strangers! they were not friends of mine and could care less what happened to me; they were not human, They were sociopaths! One was not; he was personality disorder at a severe level of strangeness! he is a complete stranger! and still is and is unsafe to be around! and its not my responsibility!

My responsibility is with myself!~

Its not easy letting go of things you loved! I loved because Im a decent person! it was a waist of my feelings! their was no one their In a normal family, or normal life, this would have been different!

I was not in a normal life or a normal family! What do I do! Im learning what to do! The firsts thing; stop giving credit and chasing after bad people and trying to say they are good when they are not! move away from them! However, that leaves me alone; Im now alone and insecure! now what! and thus; Im dealing with it! Trying to come to my senses!~

I had no idea who I was living with! no idea! never saw it when a child because I was alone or with outside people growing up! never saw it; and non of them ever saw me! the family system I came from has no idea who I am! Im a complete stranger! and I was a stranger to the friends I had when growing up! and they were strangers to me! I had no idea who they were! they wrote me off as worthless! I was the one who was worth something! they had money! what they did will send them to hell! God will not allow them to get away with it! many of them were upper middle class! meaning, wealthy! or well to do! rich! well off!

I had my dreams and I want them back!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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