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OMNICELL
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Moving away from women; It's more about abuse

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Feb 05, 2021 5:36 am

Moving away from women; its more about abuse.
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It sounds like Ive blamed women; I think its literally my fear of someone getting close to me; I think anyone getting close to me are monsters... Its from the abuse the PTSD... the long term CPTSD. over n over n over. its not about any real women getting close but it is; but the inside of me is messed up because they came in to my personal life and boundaries and ripped everything away from me; everything completely; Like ripping me in half with a chainsaw... everything. took everything; stripped everything away.. And it happened over n over n over and they would not ever stop unless I left... So I had o choice; I mean I could not function anymore around anything or anyone; nothing anymore. I was and am so damaged; that side of me.
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In fact; it seems funny that I would remotely blame women for this; outside women; They represent the outside world I cant let inside; I guess Im mad about that; I dont know how to tell them about the problem I have. its like my ability to allow someone to get close to me has been ruptured. thats what I have to work with.
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Im going in new directions with this; and Im praying to God about how to heal this; I dont know. Im oK; Im on a disability so I dont have to be around other people if I dont want to but I wish I could be around some of them maybe that I could choose as safe. I think this is why PTSD just want to sleep; they are injured and could be injured when they are awake. This whole thing is so exhausting.
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So; the truth about the outside world is; their is no outside world its a lie ive created. Ive not ever been able to let any women ever get close to me ever and Ive lied about everything else. Im; for the first time trying to learn how to work through trauma to do anything in the outside world.
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One part of me has been destroyed; damaged; the other part of me separated from that destroyed side of me. I'm trying to being both sides back together; that is the work god is doing for me.
Ive been thrown away by all the people who I have ever wanted or ever wanted a relationship with me; they changed their minds and threw me away. The problem I have is; how did they ever get involved with me in the first place. why was I not around decent people in the first place but I think decent people or down to earth people scared me; I was afraid they would turn on me and become monsters. So God brought me a different kind of people to associate with. maybe people who have been hurt like Ive been hurt. But I never responded to them correctly either so they wrote me off. I guess I was scared to show them who I really was. I would not be enough. I would be to weird or innocent or something. Ill explore that at another time. I dont know.
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Im going off topic. A part of me is smashed in and ruptured and cant fight back. And so another part of broke away from that part of me so I could function. So; Im damaged goods and Ive tried to be in society but its never worked. either I didnt have enough money to be around safer people and accepted or I was accepted by the wrong group of people with no conscious. I dont know. no place to escape.
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I dont know.
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The people ive been around in this small town; very few if any are my real friends; they have no idea who I am; im so completely fare removed from reality for them to know; but I survive with them.
As for women; I think God got tired of the women who were interested in me; to hard care and animalistic; these wont work for a guy with severe CPTSD. Wrong people... They are; They dont even understand what went wrong; they are not the right kind of people for someone like me; they are more like the victimizers.
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I just want to hide in my room and be left alone from all those others....
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So; blaming women is ridiculous... They dont even exist...
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I have techniques Im working with right now to slowly open up what happens in relationships...
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I had forced relationships with the wrong monsters; they forced themselves on me or in my life against my will and scared me and traumatized me against my will and I had no place to run; terrorized... into a state of madness and freeze mode to survive. and it destroyed part of me; I could not fight back. I was in constant freeze mode.
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So; Im fighting all of that; the flash backs and memories and PTSD and I want to get into a relationship with someone? I think maybe I want my freedom back from this conditioning that has ruined me. I want to prove I can come back to life again and freedom and I think part of can happen if I continue to do the work I'm doing. I can at least work with God on it until Im feeling better about it.
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As for the type of person I want a relationship; I dont know because they all get physically close. I dont know. ITs frustrating. its like dealing with the rapist or molester that forces themselves on you or around you or traps you with no way out constantly.
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Hers something I do know; no one else is going to rescue me; I am. And its possible and Im working on it right now with the help of God and other sources; and Im on the verge of something new... Im trying to break out....
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So far the kinds of women that have liked me are players that are looking for reform; they have been players but they see me as a nice person and I could be a good longer term relationship; but they never last long enough for me to go out with them; they end up getting picked up by an alpha male and they spit in my face right in front of me.... and with contempt show off their new relationship with pride completely affronting me; its shocks me and saddens me...
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Then they want to also have feelings for me while in this relationship; seems to put them on top fo the social world or status world where they have affluence and power with their girlfriends or social situations; and Im left at the bottom of all this and left out. thrown away. and Im torn to pieces and hurt. And some times the girls come back and want a relationship with me...
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I finally realize what God was showing me all along; these are not a match for me because they really dont know me or what is really going on with me. They see only the Batman suit im wearing and nothing on the inside of me. Or they see someone they can walk on easily and they do at some point as if they can get away with it. And when I see this they are out; I mean; Im letting them ever come back around me again ever and I think that stuns them at some point.
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Others blame me for being someone Im not. They were interested in me and I didnt turn out to be the person they first met. When they find out I dont have a future; they dump me quickly even they are soulmates; even if God did send us; And they wright me off as a wierdo or weakling ; and that always happens.
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in the end I sit back and observe them. And watch. And realize I wasn't not the someone they thought I was. Im totally different damaged goods. I never presented that to them; I fooled them the whole time and they wrote me off.
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So; as for women; I dont know; I have no idea who would really know me or how they would really know me. I dont know anyone who really wants to know me. I cant function. Ive never been able to. I just get written off.
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Ive never been around any nice girls that wanted to date me; ive Neve been around any nice girls. So; maybe that will be the next thing. ive not been around any women that did not cheat on people at some point. Ive not been around any nice people.
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ive been around women that were cheaters that wanted to reform and choose me; but they never made it out of the gate; some guy they or their girl group thought was hot came and hit on them and hooked up with them they proudly hooked up with them in front of me; and that destroyed any possible future with me ever again of any kind ever. And those same women will come back around me and test the water and maybe hope we can be friends or hook up or maybe something might happen but they are mistaken; it will never happen; those are the wrong women for me to associate with but out of desperation for loneliness and being completely alone they were a better bet then being alone.
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The women ive been around; choose them because I did not want to be alone; so I put on an act in front of them and they thought they were getting someone more normal and functioning . I did not respond to them. its been going on for 45 years; ive Neve functioned.
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IVe Never been able to be around normal nice women or people. Not really. Not people that treated me as an equal..
The women that have liked me thought they were getting someone totally different then who is writing; in fact; so much different they had no idea I had the problems I do; I'm a totally different person they they had perceived and many of them moved on and wrote me off as crazy. Many of them moved over the top of me; walked over me and started dating others right in front of me writing me off as harmless weakling.
The sad fact was; I was neither. I was a complete stranger to them and they didnt know; it. Their would be no way they could ever get close to me; impossible; I knew that; I just thought maybe; just maybe they might be able to; maybe just one; maybe; but they couldn't ever. They never passed the test. they were not nice girls and they could never pass the nice girl test; its almost laughable.
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So; A nice girl is required... And right now; God is creating practice abilities for me to re fix old relationships within my imagination; Ive mentioned this already in my other blogs over n over numerous times.
Im trying to put myself; the 2 halves back together with Gods help and the result is interesting; we will see what Im like after all of this work is completed. Who knows.... I dont know.
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Im isolated from my condition away from people so; I end up around people and try to fit in so im not alone and many times I have to play act like im one of them when in reality Im nothing like them. Im in groups where Ill say the right words and act the right way to fit in but Im not one of them; Im just trying to fit into anything so im not a throw away; im trying to come back socially from being lost.
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Im more then a fact or imposter or poser....
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Im kind of a liar and a fake. ive done it to fit in socially so im not alone with out any family; I dont want to be alone. Its that simple. The women find out Im not one of them; not who I claim to be; Im not the man I claim to be Im an imposter. And then they write me off and move on to someone else. they see me as a weakling to prey upon.
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As I said; they might come back around and give me the sad love look in their eyes; after theyve gone out with another alpha male; Like just maybe their might be a chance for her and me". thats the look they give me; silly; IT will never happen; they have no idea Im an imposter... Im not who they think I am.
Im just a mentally ill guy that does not want to spend his time alone; I never functioned in the first place but I sound like I do.
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I have fiends. they are all long gone from years and years ago. no one was ever their in the first place but imposters using me and I never knew it; I know it now. And that brings up the bullies and that scares me as im writing about it. because remember them up close in my face in my personal space and it scares me to talk about it.
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ive lived a life like an autistic person; very close; in my own dream world while others never knew I was autistic. And at some point they find out and write me off as incompetent... They write me off and go away and never return. They never return. I loved someone of them but gave that up; worked through it. They were never who I thought they were; I thought God had brought me nice people; He did not; The women thought I was one of them; and responded to me; I was not one of them; I was just this mentally ill person who did not function who should up around them wanting a place to hide or that was safe; thats all I wanted.. .I didnt want anything else. I had no friends. I had nothing and nowhere to hide or go. nothing; I was just looking for something safe; some safe place to hide. Nothing more. I was nobody but nobody knew.
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And none of them cared; no one did.
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So; can I get a girlfriend; maybe when I become the real me and show who I really am. if I can ever accept who I really am; maybe. And stop trying to be someone Im not. maybe. But can I ever accept myself and open up that vulnerable part of me I dont know.
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Not to many women are interested in me anymore. Im getting old; the last one was last year; but ; and its sad; I never allowed anything to happen with her because I didnt want to get rejected because Im not who she thought I was. I was just the opposite. And she couldn't see that. Im afraid she had to find out the hard way because I completely ignored her; I didnt know what else to do; I didnt think she would accept me the way I was. I was lying. I was sounding good from a chair talking but in real life I was nothing like I was talking; I was mentally ill. I wasn't home. did she really want to go out with a non functioning mentally ill person; no! Im guessing she didnt. Im someone who lives in their own world alone. Did she really want to be part of that; and do what; be a psych maid for me; maybe; but as soon as a younger guy came in more able; she would take that guy; that opportunity; And thats what she did. and afterword; now if I ever see her again; she will give me the sad droopy love eyes of half guilt for going after a better man then me and the sad love eyes of; she always wanted me but I would give her a chance look. its always the same with these Wh_res. Nothing changes. But why am I around Whores. Why!
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It doesn't matter who im around. I dont care anymore; my mind is to injured to care. Im like allot of people with CPTSD PTSD; our minds are damaged; all we want to do is hide and sleep... we are gravely damaged people. And I dont know how Im going to allow anyone around me ever... not really. Not up close; maybe in my dreams but not in the real world; and when I actually want someone they never pass the test they always flunk on purpose. They are not going to join me in my status level; they will give me up to keep their higher level status.
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Maybe Ill just die away alone. Maybe....
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I dont know if I can ever let someone into my inner world after what Ive been through with so much PTSD damage; I dont know.. they never prove themselves. It's not that their bad people; its more like their normal people; thats what scares me; even the Whores are normal; I mean; they dont have these problems; these problems area alien to them and they dont relate or respond; they just write me off. I dont function.
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I keep working with God and maybe God entertains me with the idea of hope. I do things that look like their will be hope for me; but in reality; Im broken record. I end up places and try to fit in but Im not one of them. im just a broken guy faking it who has no home or comes from no home; comes from nothing; I was thrown away from my home as a boy and come from nothing.... lost person..
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I have a hard time being who I am not. And being who I am and accepting who I am. and who I am not; its horrible because I want to fit in... So; I give an impression of someone great when all their is is this broken lost mentally ill guy on SSI.. thats all their is... its not even their business. Im only around others so I dont have to be completely alone; thats the only reason. no other; I never did it to get to know anyone. I never thought I could hold relationship in the first place.
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I never wanted relationships with anyone in the first place; I just wanted relief; thats all I wanted.
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The reality with relationships; Im working on that now. God has me doing some exercises for my imagination; we will see if they work.
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I feel like my life was ruined long ago and Im an after thought. But I wont let anyone else know that... because I have to fit in...
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Im tired of being invited to events with no girlfriend;. Im not interested anymore. Its not right. Ive got my pride... Its not fair. but Im only around people because if I wasn't Id be all alone. Ill write more on this and see if I cant get down to the bottom of all this.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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