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Movements forward and problems!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 03, 2015 5:54 pm

I must trust God; and keep talking to God!

I must show up to something!

I get discouraged and burned out!
Showing up to anything is very hard to do; as I was forced against my will for a long part of my life to do things I did not believe in or want to do! I had to do it with no choice of my own! With no one on my side! Over n over n over! I had to live a life like a slave! Scared, terrorized and always with no protection! Until I went insane! No one around me cared, and no one cared if they ever saw me again!
I just saw a cousin of mine from the old family system! I ignored her because I want nothing to do with that family system or its memories and I think she feels the same about me I guess! I remember that she said she did from several years back! Also, Im on SSI! And the town I'm living in is now a recovery town for me! It's a place to say goodbye to the people of the past, and get on my feet again as a person; and with my disabilities, learn again how to interact with others and find out what I want to do with my life and how to go about doing it!
Ive never had any adult control in my life! Ive never been able to use my brain for anything! The PTSD problems stopped everything! So, here I am! I would like to get better!
I would like to get better so Im not so much a victim! Im a real weak victim when Im around people! Its horrible! And allot of the people are 2 faced and out to make themselves into big shots!
She people that think they got it going on; you got to stay away from them! They will run you into the ground any way they can! They can take anything they can find and twist it into anything! They can create doubt in others minds and ruin you! Ive learned some basics to stay away from these people! Im not good at it! Ive simply learned; red flag means run! Get away, stay away, go into another direction!
Children; One tricky area of society is children! When Im at a Christian based 12 step meeting; its held at a church! Within this church is food first: potluck!
When sitting with allot of people; they have kids! Some of the kids I know and are running to get my attention! They attack me and want me to give them attention and play with them or get tortured by them! Then other kids see this and they come running over to get chased! This might go on for months! Finally, something happens! Maybe one of the girls is secretly told by her mom and dad that her young brother can play with me but not her! So the girl walks over by me or runs over by me and then suddenly stops and go's no further! Its as if she been ordered not to get to close because Im not safe! This is what this implies! Heres the deal! Now what do I do! Ive been playing with these kids for months! All in front of the parents! Nothing hidden! Now, suddenly publicly the parents make sure everyone can see that young girls stop playing with me and back off as if Im not safe! And this is public! What does this mean!
Ive learned; get out of there now! I simply pulled back immediately and stopped playing with all kids! They would come to me! Not the other way around! I would pull back, and not associate with them! And I stopped all association with the parents!
Im in the recovery process to get help, not play these sick ######6 games with degenerates! It's sickening! But something else!
Im older! And Im seeing something else in the mothers and their children relative to men! It might not all be about me! Im seeing the mother protect the children by not letting anyone play with them! Or no one dares to play with the children because of the mothers! The children get to play with the moms and designated baby sisters in the children's rooms!! Men seem to be excluded from such interactions in general! I mean out in the dinning hall with everyone present! Men are simply not playing or having fun with any of the children! When I was young, it was normal for everyone to chase the kids and have fun!
Today, I learn! As soon as I see someone using cohesion and manipulation against me by using their children as blackmail! Im oudda their! Goodbye!
In all fairness it could simply be that the parents don't want their young daughters playing with adult men! It does sound sick! I mean; thinking that men are going to take advantage of children! But reality is reality, and parents have to protect themselves! But the way they went about this with me; it was a way of destroying my status with the group; like putting me in my place and building the parents up!
It worked in my favor and it might have worked in theirs! Im not associating with the parents anymore or their children of those families! I pray the children be OK! And that God is with them!
The kids are being used s pawns against me! You get oudda their!
The kids were therapeutically helping me and it made me look good in front of everyone else! So, the parents pulled the plug on the jug and stopped the whole thing before I became more popular! However, it worked! My interaction with the kids helped to develop more social interaction!
The parents were never my friends and I had no idea it was this bad, and should have never been around them in the first place; and this is part of the problems.
One could fight this I guess! But I know better! Best, to let it go, and walk
So, you keep the kids away from you and all others associated with the deal! And I stay away from all of these people!
Ive noticed the parents; not around me! They have no interest in me; never have! They are not my friends and never were! And this is the greatest of points! The parents are your enemies but the children are not!
When children like you; it's a great sign to the rest of the world about your character! If other have cut your character down; the last thing they want to see is kids chasing you everywhere! It makes you look to good! If kids like you; you are probably a good person!
If your with people that don't like you; they will turn this thing on its head and make it look like you like kids just a little to much! And thats how they will destroy you! What needs to be recognized is the parents of the children! How well do you know them!
After I started waking up; the answer was! Stay in your own crowd! Just because these family are people I know from recovery; this does not mean they are my friends or they like me or trust! Me!
Don't play with your enemies kids! Stay away from all of it! Trust God, talk to God!
I go about my business as if I had never met those people! And get on with things!
Food; gaining weight again! It's so hard to keep the weight off because I eat! It's the eating part that is causing problems! Sugar!
Wight lifting and walking and losing weight!
This is not helping my attractiveness with the opposite sex you need to be thin! Period!
Music and practice rooms! Im working on this at the moment!
My ability to open up and talk to people; this is helping!
Other areas; paying bills off
Keeping the apartment clean and washing clothing; sucks! sucks , sucks
Keep song writing!
Developmental problems; I have problems from the PTSD! Its very hard confronting anyone! Dealing with anyone!
I see a whole community and wonder; what can I do in this community! Where can I develop; what do I want to do and how do I go about doing it!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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