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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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movement

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm

Ive had a few signifiant things happen so far; Im learning to face some things; This reminds of being thrown away; Im staring to remember in the 7th grade; I had no one; I was completely alone; so; I got nowhere in any direction; school or social; nothing. Did not expect that when young; I did not know I would not have a family helping me; what I didn't know; they were just wanting to play with little kids; once we got beyond the age of 5 or 6; it was over; completely over. I was instantly thrown away; they did this three times to three different children. One after the other; all games..
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They conveniently left us right at that moment when we needed someone to show us how to live and develop. stripped everything
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So; here I am now; trying to heal up and grow again and have the right thoughts; good thoughts about my future and my life; and if I can get too a high enough level; I just might get that level of good thoughts.
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Years and years Ive been waiting for my condition to less'n so I can respond to the women that have had interest in me. Interestingly enough; those women are pregnant by other guys. I guess they weren't waiting for me. I left for about 9 months. I came back; everyones pregnant. However, I would bring up something;
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If I got someone pregnant; I sound like a teenage victim; meaning; someone roped me into it; IF no one is judging me; what do I care; it's my life; If I want to get some pregnant; I didn't know thats anyone business; not even mine; in a way. I mean; my actions are mine; but I feel like everything is in response to what someone did to me along time ago. Im just reacting; I don't have to take any responsibility for anything I do ,
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One women I talked with the other day; I walked up and asked for a hug; she gave it to me. She looked me in the eyes; I looked her in the eyes from 2 inches away; she told me how she felt about my progress and spilled her guts a little bit about how she loves to hear me talk and how we related with each other. However, she also had the mean hurt frustrated look coming from her because Im not the one who impregnated her like she wanted. And Im sure the universe had a hand in this. Heres the point. This is the first time Ive walked up to a women that was attractive to me and wanted me and I walked up and had a personal intimate chat like this; its been years; eye to eye, personal, not flinching or going victim; just being myself at her and I's level as humans. And it was not easy on my PTSD. It took me back to 40 years old; and all the pain and horror before that and after. Ive been locked out of my life; like a glass maze between me and everyone else. Now Im starting to challenge that glass; Im starting to press against it; drill wholes through it; find a trap door and go beyond it; Im seeping through the glass. At some point; Il be completely on the other side; if that's what I practice; for that is what I want and it's happening now.
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I had several accepting moments white women yesterday; 3 actually. Im starting to understand that women are easy; but if a man is locked off inside himself; it's no go; women don't go their. When Im present and say hello; and Im looking at them friendly; then they respond and they are. We will see.
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Ive been mad at God and the universe lately for not manifesting what I want; or showing me the journey to the things I want or how to get there. I understand; A gap reside between where Im at and getting up to speed to accept and receive the instructions for the rest of the journey; it hurts so much; that's why I feel the universe abandons me all the time; I don't get it.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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