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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Move or die

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 16, 2015 4:46 pm

I must move forward! I must move into the arms of society! For society has what I want! Scary; this is beyond scary!

In my world; in my imagination; I can be anyone! But out in the world, Im no one! Whats going to change?!

Im going to show up and stay!

-===============================

Ive moved in and among the people at the meetings! Ive gotten closer!

One great thing about 12 step meetings; people! All the time; people! You have numerous amounts of people to work out your stuff with! In one way or another!~

Bullies, psychopaths, predators!, pretty girls, hot nasty stuck up girls! Older people, younger people! Thugs, street cons!, well educated! You name it! different colors and backgrounds; You want to work on human stuff! You got a smorgasbord of choices! And they always show up!

Ive gone from the back of the room to the main table! The main table is a long craft table or business table! Portable! Long, about 2 1/2 feet wide; 30 feet long!! Ive got people on either side of me or across from me!
If a pretty girls is across from me! And I'm bashful and I like her and want her! I have to sit 2 feet across from her for one hour! Or next to her for one hour! That means, I was fantasizing about her yesterday, and today, she's right up next to me! touching me! that close, for 1 hour! You want to talk about being scared! ###$! You dont feel good enough for someone that good looking and soft! and that beautiful long brown hair!

Yesterday, marked the first real interaction I have ever had with her! She handed me a preamble and looked me square in the eyes! It was the tufted ######6 $#%^ Ive dealt with in a long time! God, I love this girl! I mean; I'm not in love with her! ###$, I want her! And it's not about sex! That scares me! But I wont know what its about until I try something! It's so ######6 hard! Its beyond anything I can describe! And she's not the only one! I wont know about any of them until I try!

Its easy to go after people you don't want! Hook up with them!; Hooking up with someone who is beautiful and you like! Thats another story of terror! I am terrified! scared shitless out of my ######6 mind!

It's not just the girls! Its everyone! You cant judge people! You need them, their 2 ######6 feet away from you!

Black guy is 1 foot in front of me depending on me! Im working with him at the main table! am I going to judge him; ###$! when! he's 6 inches away from me! and we need each other for recovery! Its not possible to judge anymore when your on a raft together and you got to work together to survive! Im not important anymore; Im just one more shmuck on the bus!

Im trying not to judge! Im trying not to dissociate!

If you want to be part of something! You jump in and hang on until you adapt! Im not in control! no control! ###$!

It's so ######6 hard when you don't like yourself at the core level! I was thrown away from my parents! How the ###$ do you think I feel or feel about myself! Its bigger then I am!

And Im supposed to interact with others? Really!

If I want friends and girlfriends! I have to interact with them! No choice! You start by showing up and interacting with people!

All I can do is sit their! dont lie! it starts with sitting! sitting next to others! the next move is earned! you have to earn your social abilities; they are not given to you! you must earn them! each new move!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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