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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm

Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Terror; Who said coming back into life from CPTSD that I was only going to be scared.
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Im terrified; Im triggered; Its all coming back; so what! O Well!
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Im in Terror; Im not just scared... and it will remain until I finish a project Ive started; something for the real world.. Ill need all the help I can get.
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Im working on something and it must be good; well done.
What im learning; Im not reacting like the regular people; scared and nervous; Im terrified. And terror will stay with me; its not cooling out; my choice to continue; Welcome to CPTSD.
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I have CPTSD and its been a long long time since I lived a life and Im walking back into my life and Ill need help doing it; real help; I may have to have people sit with me while I finish my projects. Sit with me while they get ready to be evaluated. And thus; Im back in my life.
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I have terror; not just fear and it doesn't go away; so welcome to CPTSD land. Im not like the regular people; or maybe I am and have never had to face real world present problems because Ive never been sane; I dont know. Things are changing; more is expected of me.
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Im learning to ask for help; thats laughable; Ill need help every second; all along the journey; all the time; cant be done alone...
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Old narratives; I can play them all night long; and they stab me to death; doesn't matter; Ill have to bring others in so Im not alone; stay present.... My nervous system isn't like others; O well!
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Its about character; I earn a new way of thinking; Im not God; I have to do the footwork... I did not learn about this until well into my recovery; this is not a beginning recovery concept; it comes much later...
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Im not God; I have to do the footwork... Thank God I have to do the footwork; it just may save me in the end; but I cant do it alone. Ill have to open up to others and ask for help along the journey.
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Anyone relate?
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Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
.
Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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